Tag Archives: 1983

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: Chained Heat (1983)

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Sometimes I wonder how far a movie can go down the toilet. Good news — Chained Heat left me with little room to ponder. It’s written and directed by Paul Nicholas, who brought us another slice of insanity, Julie Darling.

This is yet another descent into madness for poor Linda Blair, who has endured some of cinema’s worst tortures. Here, she’s naive teenager Carol Henderson, sentenced to serve 18 months in the slammer for accidentally killing a man. As the new fish, can she survive?

This is one horrifying prison. Warden Backman (John Vernon) has a hot tub where he films pornography with the inmates. Captain Taylor (Stella Stevens) is a madame who uses the inmates to make money when she’s not making whoopee with Lester (Henry Silva). Meanwhile, Lester is making time with the prison’s leader of the white girls, Ericka (Sybil Danning!), who is battling the leader of the black girls, Dutchess (Tamara Dobson, Cleopatra Jones) and strangely TV’s Jason of Star Command) for dominance.

Edy Williams, the former wife of Russ Meyer, shows up, as does Nita Talbot (Marya from Hogan’s Heroes) and Louisa Moritz from The Last American Virgin and New Year’s Evil.

Because this was made in the 1980s, the ladies want to riot in the hopes of getting a better warden. Instead, perhaps they should seek the means of power for themselves. Then again, you can’t expect a 1983 women in prison movie to be woke. You have two men in prison, and you need to know what and when it was made for.

In my perfect world, Sybil and Linda would have teamed up for Thelma and Louise and spent most of the movie’s running time killing men with chainsaws. This is probably why I don’t get to make the movies, only write about them.

CBS LATE MOVIE: Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983)

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 was on the CBS Late Movie on April 29, 1988.

I’m fascinated by the fact that at one point, this movie may have been called Smokey IS the Bandit. Articles at. the time said that the plan was to feature Jackie Gleason as both Smokey and the Bandit with the original version filmed from October 1982 to January 1983. Test audiences reacted poorly, finding Gleason playing both parts confusing, so reshoots were filmed in April 1983, with the Bandit scenes re-shot with Jerry Reed playing the role. That’s one story. Another is that Gleason was only Sheriff Buford T. Justice, but would become the Bandit when he took on the challenge of the Enos brothers. An early trailer for Smokey IS the Bandit had Gleason appear in character as Justice to explaining to audiences that to defeat the Bandit he would become his own worst enemy.

Why no Burt? He and Hal Needham were making Stroker Ace and after two of these movies, he seemingly had no interest.

According to Snopes, the jury is out on this story, but I want to believe. They cite Hick Flicks: The Rise and Fall of Redneck Cinema by Scott von Doviak, which states that no such movie exists or was even planned: “An urban legend persists (propagated by Leonard Maltin, among others) that Smokey and the Bandit 3 was originally filmed as Smokey IS the Bandit, with Gleason playing both title roles. After a disastrous test screening, Jerry Reed took over the role of the Bandit in reshoots, or so the story goes. In reality, it’s hard to believe this idea ever got past the pitch meeting, and not so much as a production still (let alone a full-blown bootleg copy) of the supposed original version of the movie has ever surfaced.”

However, the Ocala Star-Banner did report as the movie was being filmed, “As in the first two films, Texas Sheriff Buford T. Justice, played by Jackie Gleason, is hot on the tail of Bandit. This movie originally was titled Smokey Is the Bandit, with Gleason playing both roles, but that idea was scrapped and Jerry Reed, who played trucker Cletus Snow in the first two films, will play the Bandit and drive the black and gold 1983 Trans Am.” Similar articles appeared in trade papers in 1982.

There is also evidence of the trailer, mentioned above:

And there’s a photo of Gleason as the Bandit.

Finally, my last proof is that in May of 2016, a 114-page script for Smokey Is the Bandit was posted online. Written by Stuart Birnbaum and David Dashey, this was listed as the final draft and very similar to what was shot for the film, with no scenes of Jerry Reed, Gleason showing up as Bandit (who has no dialogue other than his giggle), Dusty Trails being a member of the Enos family and a very similar ending.

The Lost Media Wiki even has an image of a heavy-set stuntman playing Bandit and he looks just like Gleason, not Reynolds.

As for the movie that was really filmed, it was directed by Dick Lowry (Project: ALF, Archie: To Riverdale and Back Again, The Jayne Mansfield Story) and had eleven scripts from writers Stuart Birnbaum (Summer School, The Zoo Gang), David Dashev (The Fish Who Saved Pittsburgh) and Gleason, who had final script approval. He said of the story, “Why do we even need writers?” Keep in mind that Gleason was 67 at this point and had already seen a dead alien thanks to Nixon, if the rumors are to be believed. After all, he had a UFO-shaped house that he called The Mothership.

But I digress.

It all begins with Sheriff Buford T. Justice retiring. The Enos brothers (Paul Williams and Pat McCormick) make a bet with him, just as they did with the Bandit, but he turns them down, looking to relax. Yet even a few hours of retirement is too much for him, so he takes them up on their wager: $250,000 against his badge if he can transport a large statue shark from Miami, Florida to Austin, Texas.

Justice and his son Junior (Mike Henry) avoids all of their traps, so the Enos family hires Cledus Snow (Jerry Reed) to dress as Bandit, drive a similar car (Grandson of Trigger) and steal the shark back. He also picks up a girl named Dusty Trails (Colleen Camp) at a used car lot, just like the first movie, to help him.

The hijinks include a battle with bikers at the Gator Kicks Longneck Saloon, a chase through the Mississippi Fairgrounds, an orgy at the Come On Inn that ends with Buford being pursued by a muscular woman named Tina (Faith Minton) and Buford actually winning the bet. Then, he goes to arrest the Bandit and has his mind destroyed when he realizes it’s Cledus.

Let’s get deep. Buford and the Bandit come to the understanding that their lives have no meaning without one another. A Smokey. is nothing without his Bandit, so to speak. The Bandit — now Reynolds after a short, contracturally obligated cameo — drives off with Tina as Buford leaves his son behind.

To make this even stranger, in 1983, Gleason was also in The Sting II, a movie that didn’t have Robert Redford and Paul Newman. 1983 was the year of this, as Curse of the Pink Panther also came out berefit of Peter Sellers.

A good portion of this film is very Boogeyman II, as it repeats almost everything we’ve loved in the first two movies. This makes us judge everything we see after and what we find is lacking, despite how much we love the characters. Just like the speech at the end, we need Reynolds with Gleason. Otherwise, what’s the point?

RADIANCE FILMS BLU RAY RELEASE: Tchao Pantin (1983)

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Bensoussan (Richard Anconina) is a drug dealer, but really, he’s small-time. When the cops are on his trail, he hides in a gas station and ends up befriending the night manager, Lambert (Coluche), a bitter old man who finds hope and seeks to redeem the younger criminal.

However, debts and bad decisions lead to Bensoussan being murdered while Lambert can only watch, helpless. As he goes for revenge, he becomes close with his dead friend’s girlfriend, Lola (Agnès Soral) and explains how he was once a cop until his son got into drugs, just like Bensoussan. And much like his lost young buddy, his son was killed by his habit.

Nobody is getting out of this alive, but maybe there can be some payback. And perhaps a tiny living before the bullets hit.

Coluche was going through a divorce and a drug habit of his own when he made this. He felt responsible for the suicide of his friend Patrick Dewaere, so his emotional performance comes not just from his acting ability but from his life.

The Radiance Films Blu-ray release of this movie has a 4K restoration by Pathé approved by cinematographer Bruno Nuytten. It also includes extras, such as Once Upon a Time… Tchao Pantin is a documentary film featuring interviews with writer-director Claude Berri, novelist Alain Page, stars Richard Anconina, Mahmoud Zemmouri, Agnès Soral, cinematographer Bruno Nyutten, and others. There’s a reversible sleeve featuring original and newly commissioned artwork by Filippo Di Battista, as well as a limited-edition booklet featuring new writing by Manuela Lazic. It’s a limited Edition of 3,000 copies, presented in full-height Scanavo packaging with an emovable OBI strip, leaving the packaging free of certificates and markings. You can get it from MVD.

88 FILMS BLU RAY RELEASE: Hong Kong, Hong Kong (1983)

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Man Si Sun (Cherie Chung) is an illegal immigrant who has escaped from mainland China. Kong Yuen Sang (Alex Man) is a drifter looking for fame as a kick-boxer. Directed by Clifford Choi, this drama about being an outsider in a new country is very appropriate to the time that we’re living through. It also proves that Shaw Brothers made more than just wuxia and kung fu films.

There aren’t many choices for our heroes: Die in Hong Kong while trying to make a better tomorrow or go back to China and, well, die anyways. Maybe love won’t be enough to save them.

This is an appropriately named film, as Hong Kong could very well be one of the stars. The city lures people into its arms with the promise of more and yet at times, it also chews them up and spits them out. Maybe we can’t all identify with a champion kick boxer, but we can empathize with people with a dream, those that are exhausted by life yet refuse to give in.

The 88 Films Blu-ray of Hong Kong, Hong Kong is a great release that again, reminds us that Shaw Brothers hit so many genres and even made award-winning films like this. Extras include commentary by David West, a stills gallery, a poster and a trailer. You can get it from MVD.

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: BMX Bandits (1983)

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Pig-masked bank robbers in Australia go up against BMX experts P. J. (Angelo D’Angelo),  Goose (James Lugton) and Judy (Nicole Kidman). Yes, Nicole Kidman in her second movie.

Perhaps even more amazing is that this was directed by Brian Trenchard-Smith, who you may not pick to make a kid movie, but here we are. As they go up against The Boss (Bryan Marshall), Whitey (David Argue) and Mustache (John Ley), the kids use their BMX skills to stay ahead of the bad guys and get them arrested. The cops even build them a BMX track —  not Helltrack — as a thank you.

Kidman hurt her leg doing a stunt in this — jumping into an open grave! — and her stand-in ended up being a guy in a wig. As for me, I love that this was financed by The Rank Organisation, along with that old opening of the muscular guy ringing the gong. They also financed Twins of Evil, the Carry On movies, The Uncanny and so many more movies.

You have to love this in the credits: WARNING: The Stunts in this film were performed by professional stunt riders. For your own safety, PLEASE DO NOT IMITATE.

Sizzlin’ Summer of Side-Splitters 2025: Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life (1983)

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June 30- July 6 Puke Week!: Throwing up isn’t very funny, but making your internet friends watch a puke movie is!

The Meaning of Life was the last feature film to star all six Python members before the death of Graham Chapman in 1989 and it’s pretty perfect because it has no interest in a story to connect anything. It’s just life, from the miracle of birth to a Catholic man reminding you that “Every Sperm Is Sacred” in a song that I quote from often, including most of this speech that follows it:

Harry Blackitt: That’s what being a Protestant’s all about. That’s why it’s the church for me. That’s why it’s the church for anyone who respects the individual and the individual’s right to decide for him or herself. When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in fifteen-seventeen, he may not have realised the full significance of what he was doing, but four hundred years later, thanks to him, my dear, I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas. And Protestantism doesn’t stop at the simple condom. Oh, no. I can wear French Ticklers if I want.

Mrs. Blackitt: You what?

Harry Blackitt: French Ticklers. Black Mambos. Crocodile Ribs. Sheaths that are designed not only to protect, but also to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress.

Mrs. Blackitt: Have you got one?

Harry Blackitt: Have I got one? Uh, well, no, but I can go down the road any time I want and walk into Harry’s and hold my head up high and say in a loud, steady voice, “Harry, I want you to sell me a condom. In fact, today, I think I’ll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant.”

Mrs. Blackitt: Well, why don’t you?

Harry Blackitt: But they – Well, they cannot, ’cause their church never made the great leap out of the Middle Ages and the domination of alien Episcopal supremacy.

School, war, finding an elusive fish, live organ surgery, man’s place in the galaxy — “The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding In all of the directions it can whizz As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know Twelve million miles a minute, and that’s the fastest speed there is So remember, when you’re feeling very small and insecure How amazingly unlikely is your birth And pray that there’s intelligent life somewhere up in space ‘Cause there’s buggerall down here on Earth!” — Christmas in Heaven, The Crimson Permanent Assurance, choosing how you wish to die and, of course, Mr. Creosote.

This sketch was filmed at Porchester Hall in Queensway, where hundreds of pounds of fake vomit had to be cleaned due to a wedding being scheduled hours later. There’s so much puke and it’s beyond gross — ribs sticking out of an exploded man — starting with this order:

Maitre d’: Would monsieur care for an apéritif, or would he prefer to order straight away? Today we have, uh, for appetizers: Excuse me. Mhmm. Uh, moules marinières, pâté de foie gras, beluga caviar, eggs Benedictine, tart de poireaux– that’s leek tart,– frogs’ legs amandine, or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd– c’est à dire, little quails’ eggs on a bed of puréed mushroom. It’s very delicate. Very subtle.

Mr. Creosote: I’ll have the lot.

After all of this death and destruction and, well, puke, Maria arrives to clean up the dead body and again, all the puke. She reveals to us the meaning of life: “I used to work in the Académie Française, but it didn’t do me any good at all. And I once worked in the library in the Prado in Madrid but it didn’t teach me nothing I recall. And the Library of Congress, you would have thought, would hold some key, but it didn’t, and neither did the Bodleian Library. At the British Museum, I hoped to find a clue. I worked there from nine till six, read every volume through, but it didn’t teach me nothing about life’s mystery. I just kept getting older, and it got more difficult to see. Till eventually my eyes went, and my arthritis got bad. So now I’m cleaning up in here, but I can’t really be sad. You see, I feel that life’s a game. You sometimes win or lose, and though I may be down right now, at least I don’t work for Jews.”

I grew up obsessed with Monty Python in a non-Internet time when you never knew when you would get the chance to watch it again. I love that this won the Grand Prix at the 1983 Cannes Film Festival, which suggests that even though this movie is ridiculous, it still has something to say through all the death and vomit.

It all ends with this: “The Producers would like to thank all the fish who have taken part in this film. We hope that other fish will follow the example of those who have participated, so that, in future, fish all over the world will live together in harmony and understanding, and put aside their petty differences, cease pursuing and eating each other and live for a brighter, better future for all fish, and those who love them.”

Chattanooga Film Festival 2025 Red Eye #5: Get Crazy (1983)

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Allan Arkush based most of his early films on his real life. Rock ‘n Roll High School is pretty much about going to New Jersey’s Fort Lee High School. And this film is all about his experiences working at The Fillmore East as an usher, stage crew member and in the psychedelic light show Joe’s Lights, which got him on stage with everyone from The Who, Grateful Dead and Santana to the Allman Brothers and Fleetwood Mac.

I have no idea what experiences helped shape Heartbeeps, Caddyshack II and Deathsport, which he helped finish.

That said — Get Crazy lives in the exact heart of everything I love: hijinks movies, huge casts, rock and roll and cult films. It’s pretty much, well, everything.

This movie takes place on one night, December 31, 1982, as the Saturn Theater is getting ready for its annual New Year’s Eve blowout when its owner Max Wolfe (Allen Garfield, who sadly died of COVID-19) has a heart attack when arguing with concert promoter Colin Beverly (Ed Begley Jr.), leaving his stage manager Neil Allen (Daniel Stern) in charge, along with past stage manager Willy Loman (Gail Edwards). Man’s nephew Sammy (Mile Chapin) is trying to find his uncle so that he can get the rights to the club and sell them while everyone else tries to put on one last show.

This is a movie packed with familiar faces, like Bobby Sherman and Fabian as Beverly’s goons, who continually try to destroy the building and ruin the show. Seriously, there are so many people to get into, like Stacey Nelkin (Ellie Grimbridge!), Anne Bjorn (The Sword and the Sorcerer), Robert Picardo, Franklyn Ajaye, Dan Frischman (Arvid!), Denise Galik (Don’t Answer the Phone), Jackie Joseph (Mrs. Futterman!) and Linnea Quigley.

At this point, you may be saying, “Where are Clint Howard, Dick Miller, Paul Bartel and Mary Woronov?” They’re here. Of course they’re here.

I haven’t even gotten into the bands in this!

Nada (Lori Eastside from Kid Creole and the Coconuts) has a 15-member girl group that plays New Wave, garage rock, bubble gum and when Lee Ving jumps on stage, punk rock. Beyond Ving, Fear members Derf Scratch and Philo Cramer also appear.

King Blues is, well, the King of the Blues. He’s played by Bill Henderson (who was also Blind Lemon Yankovic and the cop in Clue, which also features Ving as Mr. Boddy).

Auden (Lou Reed!) is Bob Dylan, hiding from his fans, driving in a cab all night trying to write a song.

Reggie Wanker (Malcolm McDowell) is Mick Jagger, bedding groupies the whole show before he has a moment of mystic revelation. His drummer, Toad, is John Densmore of The Doors.

Captain Cloud (the Turtles’ Howard Kaylan) and the Rainbow Telegraph have a van just like Merry Pranksters and drugs just as powerful.

I mean, how can I not love a film that has a theme song by Sparks? Come on!

This was directed at the same time that Arkush did Bette Midler’s cover of “Beast of Burden,” complete with an appearance by Stacy Nelkin.

Anyways — forgive the fanboyishness nature of this. Actually. don’t. We should all love movies this much and feel this strongly about them.

I got to interview Allan Arkush about this movie:

B&S ABOUT MOVIES: So how does it feel finally having Get Crazy get released 37 years after it was — for all intents and purposes — a lost movie?

ALLAN ARKUSH: It feels good on two levels. Naturally I couldn’t be happier that the movie will be available looking better and sounding better than it ever has. But in many ways equally rewarding was reassembling some of the original editorial team from Get Crazy and Rock ‘n’ Roll High School to make all of the extras. Kent Beyda and I go back to 1978 and he cut the extra The After Party, but he did more than edited it, using all 60 hours of interviews he wrote it and gave it shape. He also had edited the two 1983 videos. Mark Helfrich from RNRHS cut “Not Gonna Take It No More 2021” from the iPhone footage “Nada 2021″ gave us and I couldn’t be happier about that. The extras were a way for all of us to tell the whole saga of Get Crazy. Tara Donovan, one of my AFI students, working for a year producing it for nothing. Ed Stasium, The Ramones producer did the score and our original music Editor Ken Karman came back to spread his magic. And so many more…No Dogs In Space and almost all the cast and crew. What a joy. But let’s go back to the beginning.

I worked at the Fillmore East as an usher and then on the stage crew and working the lights for psychedelic shows. I was living in that environment — which was very exciting — and going to NYU film school at the same time and realizing that you could do so many of the things in your life that you’d like to do. And making a living from it!

So after making Rock ‘n’ Roll High School, I thought that it’d be good to do the next part of my life and tell the story of working in rock ‘n roll. Danny Opatoshu and I got together to write the script and it ended up becoming a real memoir of the events of my life as well as an actual plotline.

We ended up meeting with a few companies and one of them said, “We love this, but you need to set it in the present day.” We changed some stuff around and then before we started shooting, they wanted it to be a broader comedy like Porky’s or Airplane! 

Danny said, “I’m gone,” so we got in more writers, we made the changes and that’s the version that you watched. But when the movie was done, the people who ran the company didn’t like it. They didn’t think there was a market for it. So they dumped it and took a tax loss, then they went under and their library got sold, then got sold again and then it got lost.

They put out the VHS — which was in the thousands and it’s not even in stereo — and that was it.

When it came time to release a DVD, no one could find the negative. The sound elements — because it moved around so much — and all the sales and the paperwork were gone for like thirty years. Thirty years!

I would get calls every couple of years with people from independent distribution companies asking, “What can you remember about where you recorded the audio?” People would say to me, “God, I love your movie, where is it?” And I said, “I don’t know.” I honestly did not. Finally, someone said to me, “Let my company find this movie for you and let’s get it out there.”

They found out that it was at MGM. Wow, MGM had bought the library that had it and now that everything was getting ready to be streamed, they went through their vaults and organized things. So we tried to buy it from MGM and they didn’t want to sell it. And that’s where I decided to call MGM and speak to the people in charge myself and I heard from their Legal Department of Business Affairs and they said, “We’re not interested.”

So that was the end of that.

Then I got a call from Frank Tarzi at Kino Lorber a year later and he said, “We want to put this out, so don’t say anything.” And Kino Lorber negotiated for over a year and then when they said yes, Frank asked if I wanted to do a commentary. I thought to myself that this movie is really my life story, my autobiography and this has been a really long trek. Frank Tarzi has been a big supporter. I called my friends who edited the original film, asked them if they wanted to be involved and they were on board. I called Danny next and said, we can tell our story back to everyone. This gave us the chance to tell the whole thing our way and it really gave us an opportunity to close the circle.

We got a small — very small — budget to make this but hey — I worked for Roger Corman! I’m used to that! So we put together a home movie — using Zoom, because this was made during the pandemic — and it’s amongst people who should really get together and talk more often.

B&S: I’ve always loved Get Crazy because it feels like a story about a great time in someone’s life. It’s my favorite kind of movie — a hijinx movie. It’s the kind of movie where all you need is that quick line: one night at a concert hall…and hijinks ensue.

ALLAN: How did you see it first?

B&S: I know that I rented it at some point and then I had a bootleg. Sorry.

ALLAN: It’s OK. I did too! And I still have the original VHS, because those were the only ways to have my movie.

You can watch this and many other films at CFF by buying a pass on their website. Over the next few days, I’ll be posting reviews and articles and updating my Letterboxd list of watches.

88 FILMS BLU RAY RELEASE: The Lady Is the Boss (1983)

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Directed by Lau Kar-leung, this movie is an absolutely fantastic time.

Wang Hsieh Yun (who is also Lau Kar-leung) is having trouble bringing in new students to a very traditional martial arts school. The daughter of the school’s owner, Chan Mei Ling (Kara Hui,  My Young Auntie), has returned home from America and plans to change things. Now, she’s the boss of his students — Wong Yuen Shuei (Robert Mak Tak Law), Ng Ming Fat (David Cheung Chin-pang). Li Hon Man (Gordon Liu), Cheuk Jin Shing (Hsiao Ho) and Ah Wing (Wong Yue) — and they trade their gis for streetware. It works — new students are filling the dojo.

Yet as successful as she is, Chan Mei Ling angers the local tough Big Boss (Johnny Wang Lung Wei), who starts kidnapping her female students. That means that Wang Hsieh Yun has to save the day.

This combines the traditions of Shaw Brothers martial arts films with the 1980s — fights happen on BMX bikes and the fashion is loud — and really is entertaining. The closing. The gym fight scene is worth waiting through several movies. From aerobics, kung fu, to using flash photography as a weapon, this movie was a surprise every step of the way.

The 88 Films Blu-ray release of The Lady Is The Boss includes audio commentary by Frank Djeng, a video essay by Fred Ambroisne, a trailer, a still gallery, four collector’s art cards and a slipcase with new artwork by Lucas Peverill. It can be purchased from MVD.

APRIL MOVIE THON 4: Copkiller (1983)

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April 3: National Film Score Day — Write about a movie that has a great score.

L’assassino dei poliziotti is also known as Copkiller, Corrupt, Bad Cop Chronicles #2: Corrupt, Corrupt Lieutenant and The Order of Death. After making movies about the Italian Communist Party, director Roberto Faenza was considered so politically incorrect that he had to go outside Italy to find funding for movies like this one.

Filmed in New York City and at Cinecittà Studios in Rome, this film stars Harvey Keitel as corrupt cop Lt. Fred O’Connor and former Sex Pistol John Lydon as the criminal that obsesses him.

O’Connor has been making money off drugs with Sgt. Bob Carvo (Leonard Mann, Vengeance Is a Dish Best Served Cold), which they invest in a Park Avenue apartment. However, Carvo wants out, as his wife—and O’Connor’s ex-girlfriend—Lenore (Nicole Garcia)—suspects rightly that he’s on the take.

Then, O’Connor meets Fred Mason (Lydon), who is really Leo Smith. He keeps claiming that he’s the Copkiller, a man who has been murdering police officers. When O’Connor catches him in his apartment, he ties him up. He keeps him captive, even going to interview his wealthy grandmother, Margaret (Sylvia Sidney), who tells him that after the death of his parents, he swore off their wealth and compulsively confesses to crimes that he didn’t commit.

This film plays with who the guilty person is—either the seemingly mentally ill Smith or the manipulative O’Connor—before flipping the script right before the dark ending.

So much of who Lydon is in this movie is, well, post-Sex Pistols Lydon, given to rants. The song “The Order of Death” from the Public Image Ltd. album This Is What You Want… This Is What You Get refers to the film, with the line “This is what you want… This is what you get” coming from the Hugh Fleetwood novel Order of Death that this movie is based on. As for Keitel, he’s essaying an early version of his character from Bad Lieutenant.

Backing it all up is a solid score by Ennio Morricone, whose career of more than four hundred films goes from classy fare like Days of Heaven and Cinema Paradiso to scumtastic stuff such as Hitch-Hike, Last Stop on the Night Train and What Have You Done With Solange?

You could also view this — instead of as a cop movie — as a film where two male closer than friends break up because of a woman, only for the jilted one to keep a young man captive and engaging in a BDSM relationship with him. That said, Keitel is, as always, great, and I wish Lydon was in more than just this one movie (and not just because the other film he had planned to act in was to be directed by Russ Meyer). He’s excellent in this.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Commando the Ninja (1983)

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Also known as American Commando Ninja, IFD claims that this is made by Joe Law. Really, who can tell you the truth? Who even knows how many titles this has, how much music it stole or what it’s about? Hocus pocus, as the sensei says at the beginning. It doesn’t have to make sense. Seeing as how this was produced by Joseph Lai and Betty Chan, all bets are off.

Jow Law is also Law Chi AKA Chi Lo, the director of The Crippled Masters, Deadly Hands of Kung Fu (using the name Lo Ke), Girl with Cat’s Eyes and Magic Swords.

This poster has nothing to do with the movie you’re about to watch. Who cares? You’re here, one assumes, for ninjas. Or commandoes. Or Commando the Ninja.

IFD also lets us know what this should be about: “David, an up-coming young master of Ninjitsu, is recruited by his master to steal the formula for a bacteriological weapon and to free the Japanese scientist who is responsible for developing it. He is pitted against two wily opponents: Mark, a KGB operative, and Martin, who are bent on using the formula in a bid for world domination. The fate of humanity is in the hands of David and a group of four surprisingly acrobatic young fighters.”

Ninjas. “Life means nothing to them,” says Mister Tanaka, a man who shows up in this outfit, wearing an outfit like my dad’s in the mid-80s, a striped red polo, and short shorts.

If you asked IFD twice what this movie was about, they’d say, “A Japanese scientist tries to conceal a deadly formula, but an undead ace and his ninja devils are determined to use it to cause mischief and mayhem. It is up to Lung, a master of the lost art of Hocus Pocus, to keep evil at bay and prevent mass destruction on a global scale.”

Sure, maybe.

IMDB lists the director as Chi Lo, who used the name Joe Law to make Crippled Masters and Lo Ke to direct Deadly Hands of Kung Fu.

This also combines a Taiwanese TV show, another movie called Born a Ninja, and the kind of dialogue that only can come from an 1980s dubbed into incomprehension ninja movie can give you. Or it’s Silent Killers. It could have many titles, but it would still be hard to tell you what happened.

Let me try.

Mister Tanaka had a secret formula from World War II that could destroy the world. That much is true. Two women want the formula, and they are Becky, who wears a yellow vest and Confederate flag shorts. Still, I think that means she’s into late 70s and early 80s redneck trends in America a little too late as they move across the globe and isn’t racist like my neighbor who wears short shorts and throws away all his kids toys after his wife took them and also has a huge Southern Cross up on his garage wall despite being an Italian man in Southwestern Pennsylvania. Did I go on a tangent? Becky is joined by Brenda, who loves denim so much that she wears it on the top and bottom. They’re joined by a master of the hocus pocus style, Larry, who involves your everyday kung fu and the ability to shoot fire out of his fingertips.

As for the evil guy ninja, that’s Meng Fei, who was also in the Ninja Death trilogy, Night Orchid, Everlasting Chivalry, The Sun Moon Legend and Middle Kingdom’s Mark of Blood. He’s pretty impressive in the last fight scene.

Anyway, Mister Tanaka keeps dreaming of dead people who were killed by this secret back in the war. The secret is a mirrored mustache that you put on a devil mask. There’s also a white ninja named David who battles Larry before they decide to be friends, get a room, drink beer and eat fried cabbage.

Or maybe that was the last movie? Have years of drinking, substances, and Godfrey Ho movies dulled my reason, and when confronted by this synth-scored shot on video, my mind just wanders in between different martial worlds, unsure of all the things I’ve seen, all the ninja deaths I’ve felt as if they were my own? In truth, the only important thing is that ninjas can become straw men and that you can swallow a sword in the middle of a fight and live.

I do know one thing. When David sees Larry hanging out with the two ladies, he says, “Two chicks? You are an animal!” That’s exactly how I felt.

Like all IFD movies, this steals a lot of the soundtrack. There’s Miklos Rozsa’s soundtrack for The VIPs, electroacoustic composer Francis Dhomont’s “Pointe De Fuite,” the Michelle Yeoh-starring Royal Warriors, Alexander Lo Rei ninja films like Ninja Death, lots of the John William soundtrack for The Protector, the Bill Conti soundtrack for For Your Eyes Only and the Roy Budd soundtrack for Something to Hide. I’m shocked there was no Sisters of Mercy, myself.

You can watch this on Tubi.