EDITOR’S NOTE: Doctor Detroit was on USA Up All Night on January 1, 1994; July 8, 1995; August 10, 1996.
I have no idea why my parents let me watch this on HBO, but I thought Doctor Detroit was a pirate. No idea what a pimp was.
Well, a pimp named Smooth Walker (Howard Hesseman) needs to get out of town, as Mom (Kate Murtaugh) has lost her patience with him. He invents a new pimp, Doctor Detroit and convinces Professor Clifford Skridlow (Dan Aykroyd) to take up this character. A night with all of Smooth’s girls — Monica (Donna Dixon), Jasmine (Lydia Lei), Karen (Fran Drescher) and Thelma (Lynn Whitfield) — convinces him to take the role, despite his needing to focus on getting a new endowment from wealthy CEO Harmon Rauseh (Andrew Duggan).
Directed by Michael Pressman (The Great Texas Dynamite Chase, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze) and written by Bruce Jay Friedman (Stir Crazy), Carl Gottlieb (Jaws) and Robert Boris (who directed Steele Justice), this movie is good because of the efforts of Akyroyd, in his first movie — and first solo lead — since the death of John Belushi. There’s also a James Brown cameo and the promise of a sequel that never got made, Doctor Detroit II: The Wrath of Mom.
Donna Dixon and Akyroyd married soon after making this.
EDITOR’S NOTE: D.C. Cab was on USA Up All Night on May 30, 1992; January 8, 1994; May 14, 1995; May 4, 1996; November 16, 1997.
D.C. Cab was one of the first videos I ever rented from Prime Time Video as a kid, and it’s got a great cast, which is probably what got me to grab it. Beyond Mr. T., you have Max Gail from Barney Miller as the owner of the cab company, Adam Baldwin as the son of his best friend who comes to help, Charlie Barnett (who actually won the SNL job over Eddie Murphy but was too nervous to come back for a follow-up; he sadly died of AIDS at the age of 41), Marsha Warfield from Night Court, a pre-Politically Incorrect Bill Maher, Gary Busey (speaking of politically incorrect, little to none of his dialogue could be in a movie made today), DeWayne Jessie (who literally became his Otis Day character and toured with that name), Paul Rodriguez, Whitman Mayo (Grady from Sanford and Son), the Barbarian Brothers (making this one of two Barbarian Brothers movies that Kino Lorber releases this month), Bob Zmuda, Bloodsportdirector Newt Arnold, Jill Schoelen (the crush of all teen crushes), Timothy Carey as a maniac who calls himself the Angel of Death and Irene Cara as herself.
It’s directed by Joel Schumacher, who has either made movies that are remembered for the right reasons, like The Lost Boys, or those that are remembered for the wrong reasons, like Batman and Robin.
This is the ultimate hijinks ensue movie, as each character gets a moment and a little story of their own. It’s not a great movie, but it’s certainly a fun one, which sometimes is even better. The story is as simple as the boys of D.C. Cab against the city government and the Emerald Cab Company. Seriously, that’s pretty much as deep as it gets, but these are the kind of movies that you find yourself watching every time they come on cable, right? Do they still come on cable?
I’m happy to have this movie in my collection. It’s a great reminder of the time when you could find something like this movie on the rental shelves.
Sept 8-14 Sketchy Comedy Week: “…plotless satires, many of which were only excuses for drug humor or gratuitous nudity sprinkled with the cheapest of gags. The typical form was a channel-changing structure, which would go from one sketch to the next under the premise that this was just another night at home watching the old boob tube. The medium is the message, baby!”
Moron Movies (1983): Len Cella started making his own movies after working in advertising and sports writing, then owning his own painting company. Then he bought a camera and started filming his own short movies. They could be about anything and often were; after showing them to family and friends, he started his own Philadephia theater. At first, only five people would show up, but as they became popular, his movies began to play on the Tonight Show and TV’s Bloopers and Practical Jokes. Len started sharing these movies on YouTube and Facebook until he died in 2023.
Carson showed nine episodes — Getting Rid of the Raisins, The Cheat, A Cook’s Punishment in Hell, How to Strike Out, The Chicken Comedian, Poor Man’s Remote Control, How to Discourage Pickpockets, How to Know if You’re Ugly and Rules Were Meant to Be Broken — and introduced them by saying “Before Buddy Hackett comes out, this might be a good place to do the Moron Movies because they’re a little off the wall also. They’re short, homemade, off-the-wall, bizarre little episodes.” Thanks to Frames Cinema Journal for that information.
This is SOV predating TikTok and the social media humor of today, just one man, staring at the camera. deadpanning, telling you that Jell-O isn’t a good doorstop, then proving it. You’re either going to love it or hate every second. It’s literally non-stop punchlines, with the sound of a projector, as Cella recorded these old-school clips from a projector to a VHS camera. It’s just a blitzkrieg of some things that don’t work, but then they work better because they don’t. Incredible.
More Moron Movies (1986): How much money did Len Cella spend on the props for his movies? This is the same thing, over and over: title card, setup, punch line, repeat. Yet it feels like a secret language, one that gets stuck in your brain and you wonder questions like the one above. What motivated this man to make so many of these movies? There’s even a documentary, King Dong, which tries to make sense of Cella.
Is his work even work? Is it just dad jokes and gross-out humor? Or is it a commentary on television, on media, on what we expect from jokes? Can it be both?
Johnny Carson said, “We read an article about a man in Philadelphia who makes his own movies. Apparently, he would make these eight-millimeter home movies and have them transferred to tape. Then I understand he hired a theater, or started to show them in a theater in Philadelphia. These are not normal movies, you understand?”
On that theater, Cella says in King Dong, “I’d read a book about El Cordobés. El Cordobés was a matador, kind of a renegade matador. And he was having trouble getting to go in the ring. They wouldn’t let him in the ring to do his thing. So, he built his own bullring. I said, that’s it. I’ll get my own theater. Fuck ‘em. So I started shopping around for places to rent. And there was a second floor of the Lansdowne theater.”
I wouldn’t say this is good, but I will say that it’s great. This is the line between people wanting to claim cult movies for their own cred and people who remember something from the distant past and can’t explain it to anyone. Almost everyone who watches this will say, “This is a waste of time.”
For others, this will invite your own debate, as you wonder how it could be.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Firepower was on the CBS Late Movie on March 9, 1983.
Firepower started as a Dirty Harry film, written by Bill Kerby, but was later rewritten. At one point, it was going to have Terence Hill as the star. Then, producer Carlo Ponti came on and got his wife, Sophia Loren, hired for $1 million. The expectation was that Charles Bronson would be the star before he decided he wasn’t interested. Some say it’s because they wouldn’t hire Jill Ireland. Whatever it was, so much money had been spent that the movie had to be made, so James Coburn, in one of his last starring roles, came on.
He was quoted in Psychotronic Video issue 9, saying, “I did it for the money, the locations (the Caribbean islands), and to work with Sophia Loren. The director was Michael Winner. He’s probably one of the weirdest guys I’ve ever met. Yet, I thought he was a good guy when I first met him. But when he got on the set, he was almost like a total dictator. I found it hard to work that way. The most fun I had was when I got to drive a bulldozer through a house in the islands.”
This Janet Maslin review is, to me, a rave: “Mr. Winner directs movies the way others toss salads, which means that Firepower is best appreciated at a kind of mental half‐mast. A lot happens. None of it makes sense. Some of the performances Mr. Winner gets from his supporting players are rip‐roaringly awful, as is Gato Barbieri’s loud and schlocky score. However, there’s a nice chemistry in the teaming of Miss Loren, Mr. Coburn and Mr. Simpson, each of whom has an unusually physical presence on the screen.”
Those are the kind of reviews that make me watch movies!
Adele Tasca (Loren) watches her husband get killed with a letter bomb and blames his boss, one of the wealthiest men in the world, Karl Stegner (George Touliatos). Turns out the drug they worked on causes cancer, and Stegner wants to kill all the loose ends and disappear.
FBI agent Frank Hull (Vincent Gardenia) turns to a former secret agent, Sal Hyman (Eli Wallach), to help track down the big pharma villain. In turn, Hyman hires retired hitman Jerry Fannon (Coburn), who is now gardening and wants nothing to do with the world of murder. But for a million dollars, he takes the job.
When his assistant Catlett (O.J.) is killed by the mob, it becomes personal. Working with Adele, he tracks down Stegner, who isn’t who he says he is. He’s Anthony Franciosa! Man, the cast! Victor Mature in his last movie (paid $5,000 cash — for just 8 hours work — so that it wasn’t taxed), Jake LaMotta, Billy Barty, Paul D’Amato…did I go back in time and work in the casting office?
In his book, Winner Takes All: A Life of Sorts, Winner said that he and O.J. remained close friends, even when Simpson was accused of a double murder, a charge of which Winner was sure he was guilty.
Michael Winner, noted lunatic, a man who nearly died after eating nothing but steak tartare and nothing else, said this: “In the meantime, Nicole arrived and was fatuous and unpleasant. O. J. was a delight, and Al Cowling was a delight. I stayed very friendly with them for many years after the movie.
The trial doesn’t affect my opinion of O. J. After his first trial, I was in a serious political discussion with Adam Bolton of Sky News. The Attorney-General and some MPs were there. Adam Bolton introduced me. “And Michael Winne, who was a friend of O. J. Simpson’s.” I said, “No, not was, Adam. I am a friend of O. J. Simpson’s.”
I think the O. J. Simpson trial showed clearly that the LA police fabricated so much evidence that the jury was right to find him innocent.
I wasn’t about to re-try him. Regardless of my opinion, it doesn’t alter the fact that he was acquitted of murder, whether people believe he did it or not.”
Years later they met and this is what Winner remember: “He also maintained his outrageous sense of humour. We were driving around Hyde Park Corner, a crowded and dangerous spot. I nearly hit two people. O. J. said, “Watch out, man! They’ll say O. J. killed another two!”
Sometimes I wonder how far a movie can go down the toilet. Good news — Chained Heat left me with little room to ponder. It’s written and directed by Paul Nicholas, who brought us another slice of insanity, Julie Darling.
This is yet another descent into madness for poor Linda Blair, who has endured some of cinema’s worst tortures. Here, she’s naive teenager Carol Henderson, sentenced to serve 18 months in the slammer for accidentally killing a man. As the new fish, can she survive?
This is one horrifying prison. Warden Backman (John Vernon) has a hot tub where he films pornography with the inmates. Captain Taylor (Stella Stevens) is a madame who uses the inmates to make money when she’s not making whoopee with Lester (Henry Silva). Meanwhile, Lester is making time with the prison’s leader of the white girls, Ericka (Sybil Danning!), who is battling the leader of the black girls, Dutchess (Tamara Dobson, Cleopatra Jones) and strangely TV’s Jason of Star Command) for dominance.
Edy Williams, the former wife of Russ Meyer, shows up, as does Nita Talbot (Marya from Hogan’s Heroes) and Louisa Moritz from The Last American Virgin and New Year’s Evil.
Because this was made in the 1980s, the ladies want to riot in the hopes of getting a better warden. Instead, perhaps they should seek the means of power for themselves. Then again, you can’t expect a 1983 women in prison movie to be woke. You have two men in prison, and you need to know what and when it was made for.
In my perfect world, Sybil and Linda would have teamed up for Thelma and Louise and spent most of the movie’s running time killing men with chainsaws. This is probably why I don’t get to make the movies, only write about them.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 was on the CBS Late Movie on April 29, 1988.
I’m fascinated by the fact that at one point, this movie may have been called Smokey IS the Bandit. Articles at. the time said that the plan was to feature Jackie Gleason as both Smokey and the Bandit with the original version filmed from October 1982 to January 1983. Test audiences reacted poorly, finding Gleason playing both parts confusing, so reshoots were filmed in April 1983, with the Bandit scenes re-shot with Jerry Reed playing the role. That’s one story. Another is that Gleason was only Sheriff Buford T. Justice, but would become the Bandit when he took on the challenge of the Enos brothers. An early trailer for Smokey IS the Bandit had Gleason appear in character as Justice to explaining to audiences that to defeat the Bandit he would become his own worst enemy.
Why no Burt? He and Hal Needham were making Stroker Ace and after two of these movies, he seemingly had no interest.
According to Snopes, the jury is out on this story, but I want to believe. They cite Hick Flicks: The Rise and Fall of Redneck Cinema by Scott von Doviak, which states that no such movie exists or was even planned: “An urban legend persists (propagated by Leonard Maltin, among others) that Smokey and the Bandit 3 was originally filmed as Smokey IS the Bandit, with Gleason playing both title roles. After a disastrous test screening, Jerry Reed took over the role of the Bandit in reshoots, or so the story goes. In reality, it’s hard to believe this idea ever got past the pitch meeting, and not so much as a production still (let alone a full-blown bootleg copy) of the supposed original version of the movie has ever surfaced.”
However, the Ocala Star-Banner did report as the movie was being filmed, “As in the first two films, Texas Sheriff Buford T. Justice, played by Jackie Gleason, is hot on the tail of Bandit. This movie originally was titled Smokey Is the Bandit, with Gleason playing both roles, but that idea was scrapped and Jerry Reed, who played trucker Cletus Snow in the first two films, will play the Bandit and drive the black and gold 1983 Trans Am.” Similar articles appeared in trade papers in 1982.
There is also evidence of the trailer, mentioned above:
And there’s a photo of Gleason as the Bandit.
Finally, my last proof is that in May of 2016, a 114-page script for Smokey Is the Bandit was posted online. Written by Stuart Birnbaum and David Dashey, this was listed as the final draft and very similar to what was shot for the film, with no scenes of Jerry Reed, Gleason showing up as Bandit (who has no dialogue other than his giggle), Dusty Trails being a member of the Enos family and a very similar ending.
The Lost Media Wiki even has an image of a heavy-set stuntman playing Bandit and he looks just like Gleason, not Reynolds.
As for the movie that was really filmed, it was directed by Dick Lowry (Project: ALF, Archie: To Riverdale and Back Again, The Jayne Mansfield Story) and had eleven scripts from writers Stuart Birnbaum (Summer School, The Zoo Gang), David Dashev (The Fish Who Saved Pittsburgh) and Gleason, who had final script approval. He said of the story, “Why do we even need writers?” Keep in mind that Gleason was 67 at this point and had already seen a dead alien thanks to Nixon, if the rumors are to be believed. After all, he had a UFO-shaped house that he called The Mothership.
But I digress.
It all begins with Sheriff Buford T. Justice retiring. The Enos brothers (Paul Williams and Pat McCormick) make a bet with him, just as they did with the Bandit, but he turns them down, looking to relax. Yet even a few hours of retirement is too much for him, so he takes them up on their wager: $250,000 against his badge if he can transport a large statue shark from Miami, Florida to Austin, Texas.
Justice and his son Junior (Mike Henry) avoids all of their traps, so the Enos family hires Cledus Snow (Jerry Reed) to dress as Bandit, drive a similar car (Grandson of Trigger) and steal the shark back. He also picks up a girl named Dusty Trails (Colleen Camp) at a used car lot, just like the first movie, to help him.
The hijinks include a battle with bikers at the Gator Kicks Longneck Saloon, a chase through the Mississippi Fairgrounds, an orgy at the Come On Inn that ends with Buford being pursued by a muscular woman named Tina (Faith Minton) and Buford actually winning the bet. Then, he goes to arrest the Bandit and has his mind destroyed when he realizes it’s Cledus.
Let’s get deep. Buford and the Bandit come to the understanding that their lives have no meaning without one another. A Smokey. is nothing without his Bandit, so to speak. The Bandit — now Reynolds after a short, contracturally obligated cameo — drives off with Tina as Buford leaves his son behind.
To make this even stranger, in 1983, Gleason was also in The Sting II, a movie that didn’t have Robert Redford and Paul Newman. 1983 was the year of this, as Curse of the Pink Panther also came out berefit of Peter Sellers.
A good portion of this film is very Boogeyman II, as it repeats almost everything we’ve loved in the first two movies. This makes us judge everything we see after and what we find is lacking, despite how much we love the characters. Just like the speech at the end, we need Reynolds with Gleason. Otherwise, what’s the point?
Bensoussan (Richard Anconina) is a drug dealer, but really, he’s small-time. When the cops are on his trail, he hides in a gas station and ends up befriending the night manager, Lambert (Coluche), a bitter old man who finds hope and seeks to redeem the younger criminal.
However, debts and bad decisions lead to Bensoussan being murdered while Lambert can only watch, helpless. As he goes for revenge, he becomes close with his dead friend’s girlfriend, Lola (Agnès Soral) and explains how he was once a cop until his son got into drugs, just like Bensoussan. And much like his lost young buddy, his son was killed by his habit.
Nobody is getting out of this alive, but maybe there can be some payback. And perhaps a tiny living before the bullets hit.
Coluche was going through a divorce and a drug habit of his own when he made this. He felt responsible for the suicide of his friend Patrick Dewaere, so his emotional performance comes not just from his acting ability but from his life.
The Radiance Films Blu-ray release of this movie has a 4K restoration by Pathé approved by cinematographer Bruno Nuytten. It also includes extras, such as Once Upon a Time… Tchao Pantin is a documentary film featuring interviews with writer-director Claude Berri, novelist Alain Page, stars Richard Anconina, Mahmoud Zemmouri, Agnès Soral, cinematographer Bruno Nyutten, and others. There’s a reversible sleeve featuring original and newly commissioned artwork by Filippo Di Battista, as well as a limited-edition booklet featuring new writing by Manuela Lazic. It’s a limited Edition of 3,000 copies, presented in full-height Scanavo packaging with an emovable OBI strip, leaving the packaging free of certificates and markings. You can get it from MVD.
Man Si Sun (Cherie Chung) is an illegal immigrant who has escaped from mainland China. Kong Yuen Sang (Alex Man) is a drifter looking for fame as a kick-boxer. Directed by Clifford Choi, this drama about being an outsider in a new country is very appropriate to the time that we’re living through. It also proves that Shaw Brothers made more than just wuxia and kung fu films.
There aren’t many choices for our heroes: Die in Hong Kong while trying to make a better tomorrow or go back to China and, well, die anyways. Maybe love won’t be enough to save them.
This is an appropriately named film, as Hong Kong could very well be one of the stars. The city lures people into its arms with the promise of more and yet at times, it also chews them up and spits them out. Maybe we can’t all identify with a champion kick boxer, but we can empathize with people with a dream, those that are exhausted by life yet refuse to give in.
The 88 Films Blu-ray of Hong Kong, Hong Kong is a great release that again, reminds us that Shaw Brothers hit so many genres and even made award-winning films like this. Extras include commentary by David West, a stills gallery, a poster and a trailer. You can get it from MVD.
Pig-masked bank robbers in Australia go up against BMX experts P. J. (Angelo D’Angelo), Goose (James Lugton) and Judy (Nicole Kidman). Yes, Nicole Kidman in her second movie.
Perhaps even more amazing is that this was directed by Brian Trenchard-Smith, who you may not pick to make a kid movie, but here we are. As they go up against The Boss (Bryan Marshall), Whitey (David Argue) and Mustache (John Ley), the kids use their BMX skills to stay ahead of the bad guys and get them arrested. The cops even build them a BMX track — not Helltrack — as a thank you.
Kidman hurt her leg doing a stunt in this — jumping into an open grave! — and her stand-in ended up being a guy in a wig. As for me, I love that this was financed by The Rank Organisation, along with that old opening of the muscular guy ringing the gong. They also financed Twins of Evil, the Carry On movies, The Uncanny and so many more movies.
You have to love this in the credits: WARNING: The Stunts in this film were performed by professional stunt riders. For your own safety, PLEASE DO NOT IMITATE.
June 30- July 6 Puke Week!: Throwing up isn’t very funny, but making your internet friends watch a puke movie is!
The Meaning of Life was the last feature film to star all six Python members before the death of Graham Chapman in 1989 and it’s pretty perfect because it has no interest in a story to connect anything. It’s just life, from the miracle of birth to a Catholic man reminding you that “Every Sperm Is Sacred” in a song that I quote from often, including most of this speech that follows it:
Harry Blackitt: That’s what being a Protestant’s all about. That’s why it’s the church for me. That’s why it’s the church for anyone who respects the individual and the individual’s right to decide for him or herself. When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in fifteen-seventeen, he may not have realised the full significance of what he was doing, but four hundred years later, thanks to him, my dear, I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas. And Protestantism doesn’t stop at the simple condom. Oh, no. I can wear French Ticklers if I want.
Mrs. Blackitt: You what?
Harry Blackitt: French Ticklers. Black Mambos. Crocodile Ribs. Sheaths that are designed not only to protect, but also to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress.
Mrs. Blackitt: Have you got one?
Harry Blackitt: Have I got one? Uh, well, no, but I can go down the road any time I want and walk into Harry’s and hold my head up high and say in a loud, steady voice, “Harry, I want you to sell me a condom. In fact, today, I think I’ll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant.”
Mrs. Blackitt: Well, why don’t you?
Harry Blackitt: But they – Well, they cannot, ’cause their church never made the great leap out of the Middle Ages and the domination of alien Episcopal supremacy.
School, war, finding an elusive fish, live organ surgery, man’s place in the galaxy — “The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding In all of the directions it can whizz As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know Twelve million miles a minute, and that’s the fastest speed there is So remember, when you’re feeling very small and insecure How amazingly unlikely is your birth And pray that there’s intelligent life somewhere up in space ‘Cause there’s buggerall down here on Earth!” — Christmas in Heaven, The Crimson Permanent Assurance, choosing how you wish to die and, of course, Mr. Creosote.
This sketch was filmed at Porchester Hall in Queensway, where hundreds of pounds of fake vomit had to be cleaned due to a wedding being scheduled hours later. There’s so much puke and it’s beyond gross — ribs sticking out of an exploded man — starting with this order:
Maitre d’: Would monsieur care for an apéritif, or would he prefer to order straight away? Today we have, uh, for appetizers: Excuse me. Mhmm. Uh, moules marinières, pâté de foie gras, beluga caviar, eggs Benedictine, tart de poireaux– that’s leek tart,– frogs’ legs amandine, or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd– c’est à dire, little quails’ eggs on a bed of puréed mushroom. It’s very delicate. Very subtle.
Mr. Creosote: I’ll have the lot.
After all of this death and destruction and, well, puke, Maria arrives to clean up the dead body and again, all the puke. She reveals to us the meaning of life: “I used to work in the Académie Française, but it didn’t do me any good at all. And I once worked in the library in the Prado in Madrid but it didn’t teach me nothing I recall. And the Library of Congress, you would have thought, would hold some key, but it didn’t, and neither did the Bodleian Library. At the British Museum, I hoped to find a clue. I worked there from nine till six, read every volume through, but it didn’t teach me nothing about life’s mystery. I just kept getting older, and it got more difficult to see. Till eventually my eyes went, and my arthritis got bad. So now I’m cleaning up in here, but I can’t really be sad. You see, I feel that life’s a game. You sometimes win or lose, and though I may be down right now, at least I don’t work for Jews.”
I grew up obsessed with Monty Python in a non-Internet time when you never knew when you would get the chance to watch it again. I love that this won the Grand Prix at the 1983 Cannes Film Festival, which suggests that even though this movie is ridiculous, it still has something to say through all the death and vomit.
It all ends with this: “The Producers would like to thank all the fish who have taken part in this film. We hope that other fish will follow the example of those who have participated, so that, in future, fish all over the world will live together in harmony and understanding, and put aside their petty differences, cease pursuing and eating each other and live for a brighter, better future for all fish, and those who love them.”
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