USA UP ALL NIGHT: Heartbreak High (1981)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Heartbreak High was on USA Up All Night as Crunch on May 9 and October 16, 1992; June 19 and December 10, 1993.

Also known as The Kinky Coaches and the Pom Pom Pussycats, this has the City High Moose, led by Coach Bulldog Malone (John Vernon), playing the Johnson High Eagles, coached by Alan Arnoldi (Robert Forester), for the Chester W. Hick Cup. Malone sends Weasel (Paul Backewich) to film the other team’s plays and that’s the least of the cheating that goes on.

Everyone is either screwing each other over or screwing each other, all while sportscaster Jack McGuire (Norman Fell) comments on everything.

This is a co-promotion between Sandy Frank and Astral (thanks, Canuxploitation!) and that means there are a lot of North of the Border stars, like Kimberly McKeever from Scanners as the Eagles quarterback, Thom Haverstock from Terror Train as the City High QB, and Christine Cattell (Bedroom Eyes) as a cheerleader.

Director Mark Warren directed numerous TV shows, including BensonThe Dukes of HazzardBig City ComedyThe Wolfman Jack Show and more.

You can watch this on Tubi.

CBS LATE MOVIE: See China and Die (1981)

EDITOR’S NOTE: See China and Die was on the CBS Late Movie on March 4, 1984 and June 6, 1985.

Larry Cohen can really do no wrong.

Even with a TV movie budget, he turned this pilot for the TV show Momma the Detective into something great.

Momma Sykes (Esther Rolle) is the momma — you see, right? — of a cop, Sgt. Alvin Sykers (Kene Holliday) and she can’t help but get mixed up in his cases. She reads detective novels all the time and soon finds herself in one, as one of her employers — she’s a maid — was killed soon after coming back to China. Seeing as how she always figures out the killer in her books, she thinks she can do the same now.

She makes her way through the building, getting fired when she pries too much and then getting hired right next door, because finding a cleaning lady as good as her is hard in New York City.

I loved Ames Prescott (Paul Dooley), a cowboy singer in New York who was also a juggler, a magician and anything that would get him on the stage. There’s also a villain of sorts in former NYPD chief Edwin Forbes (Andrew Duggan), who threatens Alvin’s job.

Also: Laurence Luckinbill shows up and he was Sybok, so you should be pretty excited about that. And Estelle Evans and Rosanna Carter also show up as maids; they’re the real-life sisters of Rolle.

You can watch this on YouTube.

CBS LATE MOVIE: Under the Rainbow (1981)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Under the Rainbow was on the CBS Late Movie on June 26, 1987.

Filmed at the original Culver Hotel, the same place the Munchkin actors stayed at while making The Wizard of Oz, this movie brings together a series of strange people: MGM employee Annie Clark (Carrie Fisher); an Austrian duke (Joseph Maher), duchess (Even Arden) and their Secret Service agent Bruce Thorpe (Chevy Chase); Nazi Otto Kriegling (Billy Barty); Kriegling’s Japanese spymaster Nakamuri (Mako) and more than a hundred little people, all cast as Munchkins and staying under the not-so-great watch of Henry (Adam Arkin), in charge of the hotel for the first time.

The Munchkins are out of control. The Nazi thinks that his Japanese connection is one of the many Japanese tourists, while his contact thinks he’s one of the many little people. A killer is trying to murder the royalty staying there. A Nazi map is hidden in the script for the movie. And it’s all a dream, causing when one of the little people, Rollow Sweet (Cork Hubbert), falls off a roof in Kansas.

Unfortunately, none of it works. Directed by Steve Rash — who later in his career would make direct-to-video sequels to Road TripBring It On and American Pie — and written by Pat McCormick, Harry Hurwitz, Martin Smith, Fred Bauer and Pat Bradley, it has charming leads who don’t get to do much. Fisher would later say that this was one of the worst movies she had been in, and Chase said it was one of the worst movies ever made.

It was the first movie for Phil Fondacaro and Debbie Lee Carrington, featuring at least two real Munchkins in the cast, including Jerry Maren and Ruth Duccini. While she had only two roles in her life, Maren also appeared in Terror of Tiny TownPlanet of the ApesThe BeingHouse, and many more. He was the last cast member of The Wizard of Oz to die.

Make-up artist Fred B. Phillips also worked on both movies.

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: Carnival Magic (1981)

Al Adamson should never have made a children’s film. This is the man who made Psycho a Go-Go, featuring two different softcore movies with flying hostesses (The Naughty Stewardesses and Blazing Stewardesses), the staggering Dracula vs. Frankensteinand a Filipino horror movie that was dubbed, tinted in neon hues, and released as Horror of the Blood Monsters. And, oh, by the way, his film Satan’s Sadists was shot at Spahn Ranch, and he was not shy about using that fact to promote the movie. And how can we forget his rip-off of Eddie Romero’s Blood Island films, the impressive Brain of Blood?

But yeah. So then he decided to make a movie for the kids, it failed, he went into real estate and then ended up murdered by a contractor and buried in the cement under a new hot tub.

So are you ready for Carnival Magic? No. I really don’t think you are.

According to an article in the Austin Chronicle, even the way that film was discovered is unsettling. Alamo Drafthouse programmer Zack Carlson said, “I didn’t know about the movie until I already owned it. It was an entire movie on one giant reel, and written on the side of it, in Sharpie, it said Carnival Fucking Magic. It completely decimated everyone. We couldn’t understand what the movie was, because although it’s made under the guise of a children’s film, it features domestic abuse, vivisection, and, even more uncomfortably, it just has this pervasive air of stale, alcoholic uncles. It’s the most quietly inappropriate kids’ movie ever made. You can tell it was made by people who have never spent any time around children.”

At face value, the movie is all about Markov the Magnificent (Don Stewart, who appeared on the soap opera Guiding Light for sixteen years), a magician and mind reader whose career has hit a skid. However, when he teams up with a talking chimp — after a while, no one is really all that amazed that monkeys can speak — named Alexander the Great, their dirt-poor Stoney Martin Carnival finally has a chance to succeed. Then again, Kirk the alcoholic lion tamer (Joe Cirillo, who played cops in everything from Maniac Cop 2 to SplashGhostbusters and Death Wish 3) and the doctor who wants to examine Alexander’s brain may screw it all up.

Of course, Al’s wife, Regina Carrol, shows up. But what you don’t expect is that the monkey loves women’s bras and stealing cars. You might wonder what a child would want to see this or how they’d react being dropped off at the theater in 1981 by their parents and having to confront this film. I’m in my forties and barely survived it with my insanity intact (to be fair, I’ve gone back more than a few times to try and watch it again).

See, there’s a war brewing between Markov and Kirk. Our hero doesn’t like telling many people, but he was raised by Buddhist monks who taught him hypnosis, levitation, and how to communicate with animals. The main problem is that the more he talks to Kirk’s animals, the less they take our villain as their master.

Speaking of talking, that’s pretty much all this movie does. Everyone talks, about losing their wives, potentially losing their daughters, leaving behind their old lives and worries about their future. I’m not really sure what children want to see, the inner workings and turmoil of a ratty circus. After all, we’ve all come to realize just how sinister the big top is, and this movie will do nothing to dissuade you from that notion.

I really have no idea who this film is really for. But yet, that’s part of the charm. Every year, numerous movies are made for kids that quickly fade away. Somehow, this oddity persists, even though the print for it remained hidden for decades. Beyond all rational reasoning, Carnival Magic is available to watch on Netflix — albeit with riffing from Mystery Science Theater 3000 — and ready to mess with anyone’s brain that stumbles across it.

You can get this from Severin.

CBS LATE MOVIE: Earthbound (1981)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Earthbound was on the CBS Late Movie on July 25, 1986 and April 15, 1987.

Rejected as a TV pilot, Earthbound played a limited release in theaters. In fact, it would be one of the last films that Schick Sunn Classic Pictures made that played in theaters.

Directed by James L. Conway, who would go from Sunn Classics to working on Star Trek and Charmed, this has kindly Ned Anderson (Burl Ives) and his grandson Tommy (Todd Porter) protecting aliens — Zef (Christopher Connelly), Lara (Meredith MacRae), Dalem (Marc Gilpin) and Teva (Elissa Leeds) — from Sheriff De Rita (John Schuck) and Deputy Sweeney (Stuart Pankin) and a Man In Black (Joseph Campanella).

There are all sorts of alien psychic hijinks, a space monkey, and it feels like a 1970s Disney movie, yet it was made after that. If you told me it was Italian, given the references to 1970s U.S. pop culture, I’d believe you. Nope. That’s Park City, Utah. Sunn Classics country.

But hey — Doodles Weaver is in it!

You can watch this on YouTube.

CBS LATE MOVIE: Soggy Bottom, U.S.A. (1981)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Soggy Bottom, U.S.A. was on the CBS Late Movie on May 7 and October 14, 1987 and September 15, 1988.

Directed by Theodore J. Flicker (the creator of Barney Miller; he also wrote and directed Jacob Two-Two Meets the Hooded Fang) and written by Eric Edson, Stephen C. Burnham, Joy N. Houck Jr. (director of Creature from Black Lake and Night of Bloody Horror), Hal Harrison and Patrick Pittelli, this is about Jacon (Don Johnson) trying to build a hoverboat to impress Charlene (P.J. Soles).

Jack Elam, Brion James and Anthony James play the bad guys,. Ben Johnson, Dub Taylor, Anthony Zerbe, Lane Smith, Severn Darden and Lois Nettlejohn are the friendly citizens of this small town. There’s also a farting dog.

Otherwise, this is basic hicksploitation, but in a few years, Don Johnson would be a much bigger star.

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker (1981)

William Asher was credited by many as inventing the TV sitcom. He brought Our Miss Brooks from radio to TV, directed 100 out of 179 episodes of I Love Lucy, produced and directed Bewitched (which starred his second wife Elizabeth Montgomery) and also had episodes of Make Room for Daddy, The Twilight Zone, The Patty Duke Show, Gidget, The Dukes of Hazzard and Alice on his resume. He even planned JFK’s inauguration ceremony along with Frank Sinatra.

He was also one of the leading beach party directors, with Beach PartyMuscle Beach, How to Stuff a Wild Bikini, Beach Blanket Bingo and Bikini Beach to his credit. Of this time in his life, he would say, “The scripts of the Beach Party films were sheer nonsense, but they were fun and positive. When kids see the films now, they can get some idea of what the ’60s were like. The whole thing was a dream, of course. But it was a nice dream.”

I tell you all this to set you up for one of the strangest films I’ve ever seen — imagine what that entails — and one that has stuck with me for years: Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker.

Originally, Michael Miller (Jackson County Jail) was set to direct this film. Still, he was replaced by Asher (he had also recently lost the job on The Eyes of Laura Mars to Irvin Kershner). He did direct the opening, however.

And what an opening it is!

Years ago, Billy (Jimmy McNichol, brother of Kristy, who is shirtless pretty much for the entire film) was sent to stay with his aunt Cheryl (Susan Tyrell, owning this movie like no one has ever owned a movie before). However, not only did their brakes give out, but a giant log beheads Billy’s dad, and the car goes off a cliff, where we see a photo of young Billy floating out into the water as the car explodes, floating, all of that, in the very first scene of the movie!

Now, Billy is a high school senior living with his aunt. He has a dream of playing basketball on a scholarship at the University of Denver, but Cheryl is having none of it. His school life isn’t much better, as his teammate Eddie (Bill Paxton!) is jealous of his closeness to their coach Tom Landers (Steve Eastin, Field of Dreams). But there’s a bright silver lining: the school’s newspaper photographer, Julia (Julia Duffy from TV’s Newhart), is into him.

On Billy’s seventeenth birthday, his aunt changes her mind about the scholarship just in time for her to put the moves on TV repairman Phil Brody (William Caskey Swaim, Friday the 13th: A New Beginning), who rebuffs her, only to then pull down his pants and tell her to “work it.” She flips out and attacks him, so he shoves her down. She retaliates with a kitchen knife as Billy watches from outside the window, as blood sprays all over his birthday balloons.

Cheryl hysterically tells the police that Phil tried to rape her. But his blood is all over Billy and so are the kid’s prints on the knife. That brings in Joe Carlson (a brutal Bo Svenson), whose homophobic mindset deduces that Billy’s coach Tom was his love and that Billy killed Phil — who was Tom’s lover — as part of a love triangle gone wrong. He thinks Cheryl is just covering up for her nephew when the truth is anything but that.

What follows is Cheryl going bonkers, doing all manner of things like drugging Billy’s milk so that his basketball tryout goes wrong and shearing her hair into an unmanageable chunk of a hairstyle. Oh yeah — she also treats her nephew way too lovingly, to the point that it’s uncomfortable. And then she goes completely insane when she catches Billy in bed with his new girlfriend.

Of course, by the end of the film, she’s nearly murdered that girlfriend twice, stabbed a noisy neighbor, killed a cop, and we discover that she’s really Billy’s mom and his birth father’s body is mummified in the basement while his head floats in a jar of formaldehyde.

Even after their final confrontation, Billy must deal with Joe the cop and his bigoted ways. To say that this movie builds to a fever pitch is an understatement. And I really don’t want to give all that much more away. Yes — even with those spoilers above, there’s so much more to explore here.

Nearly all of the major creative forces of this film came from places of personal pain. Asher lived through the Depression, losing his father before he was even a teenager. His mother (stage actress Lillian Bonner) became an alcoholic, so he escaped by way of the Army Signal Corps at the age of 15.

Screenwriter Alan Jay Glueckman (his script Russkies was made into a film directed by Halloween II and Halloween: Resurrection director Rick Rosenthal, plus he wrote two home invasion made for TV movies, The Fear Inside and Facemade-for-TVlus, his short film Pickup was the first film appearance of Glenn Close) continually wondered about who his birth parents were and had a tumultuous relationship with his adoptive ones due to their refusal to accept his homosexuality.

And Susan Tyrell, the heart of this film, was born into show business. Her father was a top agent at the William Morris Agency, representing Loretta Young and Carole Lombard. Yet she always described her proper upbringing as miserable, due to her demanding British mother, a socialite and member of the diplomatic corps in China and the Philippines during the 1930s and 1940s.

By her teenage years, Tyrell had cut off contact with her mother, of whom she would say, “The last thing my mother said to me was, “SuSu, your life is a celebration of everything that is cheap and tawdry.” I’ve always liked and I’ve always tried to live up to it.”

She stayed in contact with her father, who was able to use his connections to get her a bit part in a touring play with Art Carney, as well as have Look magazine follow the show. He’d die a few months later from a bee sting.

Even her Playbill obituary says that she specialized in roles like “whores, lushes and sexpots.” Perhaps her most famous role was in John Huston’s Fat City, which earned her an Academy Award nomination. She was also part of the Warhol Factory scene and appeared in numerous films. She appeared in various roles, including the Queen of the Sixth Dimension in Forbidden Zone, Solly in Angel and Avenging Angel, the miniature Midge Montana, wife to Kris Kristofferson’s ringmaster in Big Top Pee-Wee, and Ramona Ricketts, the grandmother to Johnny Depp in Cry-Baby.

What I’m saying is, this is a movie made by people who actually lived.

This movie has it all — malignant motherhood, a modern-day retelling of Oedipus, an inversion of a modern-day girl trope where Billy becomes the victim and Julia the helpful savior, and — strangely enough for a film made in 1981 — the homosexual characters are the positive characters in the story and not the monsters. In fact, Billy may be homosexual himself, if you chose to read the movie that way.

Of course, the movie was pretty much dead on arrival, thanks to a disastrous test screening and a new title, Night Warning, that says nothing about what the audience is about to see. It’s also a movie so strange that it seems to occupy its own universe, unlike any other film before or since. I can see why the general public wouldn’t enjoy it. In England, it made the infamous Category 2 video nasty list.

Basically, what I’m saying is rush out, find this and watch it. Now.

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: Burial Ground (1981)

I’ve often said that I prefer Zombi 2 to Dawn of the Dead — at least if I am looking for a more fun movie — because it skips the political allegory and gets right to the zombie splatter that I really want to see.

Burial Ground (also known as Le Notti del terrore, Nights of Terror, Zombi Horror, The Zombie Dead and most confusingly, Zombi 3) raises you that lack of Romero’s restraint and storytelling, doubles down by ripping off Fulci’s work which is in itself a ripoff (but a masterful one) and piles on the sleaze. No, really. This is a film that is ready to outright offend everyone.

The film starts with a professor accidentally unleashing an evil curse that reanimates the dead. He’s instantly killed. Meanwhile, three “jet-set couples” (I’ve heard them referred to this way several times and it always makes me laugh) and a creepy man child named Michael (who was played by Pietro Barzocchini, who was 25-years-old at the time…more on that soon) arrive at a nearby mansion, invited by the professor. We catch Evelyn (Mariangela Giordano, The Sect) stealing lingerie that she found in the mansion, to which her boyfriend James replies, “You look just like a little whore, but I like that in a girl.” At that point, that creepy manchild of hers, Michael, comes in and freaks out while his mom absentmindedly just stands there, nude.

It doesn’t take long before the dead attack. A maid is decapitated with a scythe because these living dead can use tools. Why are they more evolved than Romero or Fulci zombies? We never learn.

The zombies break into the mansion and attack everyone. This leads to that young creep, Michael, becoming totally shell-shocked. Evelyn, his mother, attempts to confront him, so he becomes to fondle her breasts. As he kisses her, he tries to get his hand between her legs. She slaps him as he runs away, shouting, “What’s wrong? I’m your son!” He runs right into one of the party guests, Leslie, who is now a zombie. Like a Fulci librarian, he stares at her as she makes her way toward him.

At this point, everyone reasons that they should just let the zombies into the house, because they are slow and it will allow them to escape. Sure. That always works. Evelyn goes to find her son, who has been killed by Leslie. She flips out and smashes Leslie’s head against a tub, screaming as loudly as possible, all the while.

Everyone runs toward a monastery, where the film decides to become a Blind Dead film. The zombie monks chase everyone to a workshop where they kill Mark with power tools. Creepy Michael has now become an even creepier zombie. Evelyn has lost her mind and thinks it’s a miracle, so she bares her breasts for her son to suck on. He replies by eating her breast off in graphic detail.

Finally, Janet is menaced by multiple zombie hands as the film ends with the Profecy of the Black Spider. Yes, that’s how they spell prophecy. “The earth shall tremble, graves shall open, they shall come among the living as messengers of death, and there shall be the nigths of terror.” And yes, they also spelled nights incorrectly.

Director Andrea Bianchi isn’t one for subtlety, which is evident in films like Strip Nude for Your Killer and Confessions of a Frustrated Housewife on his IMDB credits. Suppose you’re looking for unrepentant gore (Fulci’s through-the-door eye gouge is repeated here with a window). In that case, consider the bad special effects (the latex zombie heads are near Troll 2 in their quality), the playing with guts and gore ala Blood Feast, and the total lack of storyline or sense. Then I’d advise you to watch this one.

This movie is ridiculous, but man, I love it. It’s the kind of film you can say, “But yeah, did you see Burial Ground? That one is totally insane.” And I love Berto Pisano’s atonal, goofy soundtrack that blares any time the zombies show up. But if you’re looking for a movie with any class, well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Here’s a drink to enjoy during this movie.

This Cocktail Smells of Death

  • 1/2 oz. vodka
  • 1/2 oz. rum
  • 1/2 oz. apple schnapps
  • 1/2 oz. blue curacao
  • 1/2 oz. Chambord
  • 1/2 oz. blueberry vodka
  • 1/2 oz. orange juice
  • 2 oz. cranberry juice
  • Frozen blueberries
  1. Fill a glass a quarter of the way with frozen blueberries.
  2. Combine all ingredients in a shaker and mix with ice, then pour over blueberries.

CBS LATE MOVIE: So Fine (1981)

EDITOR’S NOTE: So Fine was on the CBS Late Movie on April 26 and October 18, 1988.

“The Unknown King of Comedy,” Andrew Bergman wrote Blazing Saddles and The In-Laws, which led him to this movie, which wasn’t a success. He also made The FreshmanBig TroubleFletchOh, God! You Devil and Striptease. Not a bad career!

Bobby Fine (Ryan O’Neal) is a professor of English at Chippenango State College. The head of his department, Chairman Lincoln (Fred Gwyne), let’s him know that he’s up for tenure. Yet he soon discovers that his dress-making father Jack (Jack Warden) is millions in debt to a loan shark named Mr. Eddie (Richard Kiel), who sends his underlings Eddie’s henchmen (Tony Sirico and Michael LaGuardia) to collect. They take Bobby, who has agreed to run the company, and threaten him. He’s only interested in Mr. Eddie’s wife, Lira (Mariangela Melato, Kala from Flash Gordon).

Their infidelity leads to Bobby wearing a pair of her jeans as he escapes the mansion, fixing the ripped back with a piece of clear plastic. Buyers who see him think that he intended these jeans to look this way. Called So Fine Jeans — and giving men a view of butt — they become huge. Everything works out and Lira gets to do opera again, as Eddie is defeated.

Producer Michael Lobell had his firsthand experience in the garment industry, as his father made dresses and he made Mod clothes himself. He claimed that he told the idea of this to Bergman and costumer Santo Loquasto came up with the pants.

The results? Pauline Kael said that it was a “…visual insult: crudely lighted and framed, and jumping out at you.”

A Warner Bros. press release claimed that Gail Robinson of Denver, Colorado won a search to find ”the girl who best suited to wear a pair of So Fine Jeans.” The competition’s prize? To be in the movie. Nope. She’s not in it.

At least the pants almost got made. In 1996, Joanne Slokevage filed a patent for a garment rear that made cut-out areas on the rear of various bottom garments that could be revealed with a glap. The patent was unregisterable and in her filing, she did include information on the movie So Fine.

Well, OK at least they got Ennio Morricone to do the music.

RADIANCE FILMS BLU RAY RELEASE: Yokohama BJ Blues (1981)

A loose remake of Robert Altman’s The Long Goodbye and Visconti’s Death in Venice, this is about private eye and part-time blues singer BJ (Yusaku Matsuda), who is blamed for the death of his police detective best friend. Struggling to clear his name all on his own, he makes his way through a violent world of gangsters, bad cops and the underground gay and biker scenes of Tokyo.

Directed by Eichii Kudo, this neo-noir is one weird and wild movie, an unexpected detective story set in early 80s Japan, a time when the country was at the height of its financial power. It’s filled with neon and too many cigarettes; it’s also wonderful.

The Radiance Films Blu-ray release marks the world premiere of this film on Blu-ray. Extras include interviews with star Mari Hemmi, screenwriter Shoichi Maruyama and writer and Yokohama expert Toru Sano; a trailer; a reversible sleeve featuring designs based on original posters and a limited edition booklet featuring new writing by Dimitri Ianni on Toei Central Film, a subsidiary of Toei studios famed for releasing Pink Films and independent productions such as Yokohama BJ Blues and an archival review of the film. This is a limited edition of 3,000 copies, presented in full-height Scanavo packaging with a removable OBI strip, allowing the packaging to remain free of certificates and markings. You can order this from MVD.