Tales from the Crypt S1 E6: Collection Completed (1989)

Man, why does Mary Lambert hate cats so much?

The last episode of season 1, this starts with the Crypt Keeper saying, “Before I get to tonight’s terror tale…I’d like to introduce you to my pet, Peeves. He has a terror tale of his own. Tonight’s skin-pimpling story is about a couple with their own pet peeves. I call this chunk of chilling charnel chatter “Collection Completed.””

Based on the story in The Vault of Horror #25, written by Bill Gaines and Al Feldstein with art by Graham Ingels, this is not the story to check out if you love animals.

Jonas (M. Emmet Walsh) is retiring after 47 years of working at a tool company. He didn’t want to be done, but that’s the way it went. He’s supposed to be relaxing, but he soon learns that his wife Anita (Audra Lindley) has kept from being lonely all these years by having animals all over the house.

She starts treating him like one of them, giving him his pills in food and feeding him cat food. She even names a dog after him, which is the point he goes insane and starts killing all of her animals and stuffing them. Yet when he tries to kill her cat Mewmew, she uses the gold hammer Jonas was given for his retirement to take care of him. And then she stuff him.

This episode was written by A. Whitney Brown, who some of you may remember from Saturday Night Live.

With that, we end the first season of this show. Anyone interested in season 2?

MILL CREEK SCI-FI CLASSICS: Phantom from Space (1953)

EDITOR’S NOTE: I feel bad that this ran just a few weeks ago, but hey, it’s in this box set.

Director W. Lee Wilder formed a film production company in the early 1950s called Planet Filmplays to quickly make low-budget science fiction films with screenplays co-written with his son Miles. Directing was in the Wilder blood, as his brother was the much better considered Billy.

Other Wilder science fiction movies of this era include Killers from Space and The Snow Creature.

Do you know who gets there first when a UFO crashes? The Federal Communications Commission. Yes, they’re there when The Phantom (Dick Sands), an invisible radioactive alien, is on the loose before it gets trapped inside Griffith Observatory. He tries to communicate through tapping but it’s too late. He can’t breathe our air and ends up falling off the top of the planetarium to his death, despite Barbara Randall (Noreen Nash) trying to save him.

I kind of love the way that the alien looks but then again, I like how Robot Monster looks.

Don’t have the box set? You can watch this on Tubi.

The Marvels (2023)

People seem gleeful that superhero movies aren’t doing as well, as if it’s fun to ruin someone’s party. These are the same people who make fun of girls for liking Taylor Swift, post mean things on holidays and during the Super Bowl, and generally are the ones I hide or eventually unfriend online.

Look, life is short. Like what you like.

It’s OK to like superheroes. I mean, isn’t Hercules and every peplum character a superhero? Aren’t comic books modern myth? Thinking that there’s only one kind of comic book movie is like thinking there’s only one kind of animated movie.

And you know, you don’t have to like everything. Every movie is not for you.

But don’t you have to see too much to get this movie?

I never watched WandaVisionMs. Marvel or the Captain Marvel movie and somehow, I really had fun with this movie. To be fair, I can also discuss ultra nerdified Marvel mutant history like how Cable is older than Cyclops despite being his son, you know? But you don’t need to know how Jean Grey wasn’t the Phoenix but an aspect of her or even care about comics to enjoy this.

Carol Danvers is Captain Marvel (Bree Larson). She’s been getting used to being back on Earth after thirty years gone thanks to being transformed into a Kree, one of the major alien races of the Marvel Universe. After her initial movie, she went back and destroyed the Supreme Intelligence that was the ruler of that alien empire which ended up causing a war that blackened out the sun, took away the oceans and ruined the air of Hala, the Kree homeworld.

Monica Rambeau (Teyonah Parris) is an astronaut for S.A.B.E.R. whose mother was Carol’s best friend. Carol had left her behind after promising to come back, missing Monica’s mother’s death, which Monica also missed due to her being erased by Thanos.

Kamala Khan is Ms. Marvel (Iman Vellini), a Pakistani-American who has been given a bangle that unlocks the power to create hard light objects. She’s as young as the kids watching this movie and in awe of the other superheroes. She’s a real girl in a very comic book world, complete with a family — father Yusuf (Zenobia Shroff ), mother Muneeba (Zenobia Shroff) and brother Aamir (Saagar Shaikh).

As the story opens, Dar-Benn (Zawe Ashton)* has been opening portals that weaken time and space — definitely a theme in the last year of these movies — and has the same bangle as Ms. Marvel. She refers to Captain Marvel as the Annihilator and begins destroying the worlds that Carol loves most — Skrull refugee planet Tarnax**, Aladna*** and Earth — to take the air, water and sunlight.

The Marvels also have to solve Carol’s feelings of being a failure, Monica’s loss of her aunt and Kamala’s hero worship to become a team. They also have to figure out why they keep switching places like Rick Jones and Mar-Vell.

I loved the Aladna scenes, a planet where everyone sings. It was like that in the comic and it’s silly, sure, but works within the movie. Prince Yan in the comics came from a planet where only women could choose their mates. He eventually married a Skrull named Tic and abolished the rules that only women could pick their husbands. That said, you don’t need to know any of that. You just need to know that this scene is a blast filled with big action and even some funny comedy where Monica asked Kamala if this is all fueling her fan fiction.

Of course the good guys win, but the end of the movie seemingly sets up…something you should definitely see in the theater.

Directed by Nia DaCosta, who wrote the movie along with Megan McDonnell and Elissa Karasik, this movie just sails along. Does the villain not get enough motivation, as some say? I mean, Carol ruined her entire world. I saw one review that said, “hacked to pieces in post” and “We could’ve had Dune Part Two this week but we got this instead.”

I don’t know how you can dislike a movie where hundreds of alien cats eat people set to “Memory” from Cats. Or one where a singing space prince gives a teenage girl a magical fighting scarf. I get the feeling that bad reviews for this are either going with the flow or would be bad regardless because people are on the wrong end of liking comic book movies.

And that’s fine. You shouldn’t need anyone to love your culture to keep on loving it. I can’t even imagine if we got a movie like this during the 70s made for TV movies where Spider-Man had a grappling hook or during all the cash-ins of the 80s that ignored the source material or even movies where the heroes didn’t get their costumes or stories right.

If you love comics, we’re lucky to see what we love communally on the big screen.

And if you don’t, there are a million other movies for you.

Find what you love and love it.

PS: This is far enough to spoil one thing: Lucky the Pizza Dog showing up in a scene that echoes how Nick Fury — I didn’t even mention how fun Samuel Jackson is in this movie because he’s so effortlessly good — found the Avengers was great. And the next spoiler was so good I clapped like a demented Charles Foster Kane.

*If you’re wondering who she is, she appeared in about two Marvel stories. In the comics, Dar-Benn is the pink-skinned Kree who killed Clumsy Foulup — yes, really, that’s his name — and General Dwi-Zan using a robotic Silver Surfer. He was killed during the Kree-Shi’ar War by Deathbird.

**In the comics, Tarnax was the star system that the Skrulls — who are the enemies of the Kree — came from. All of the Skrull homeworlds are also called Tarnax, like Tarnax IV, which was chowed down on by Galactus.

***Aladna is where Prince Yan comes from in the comics, too. Except there, he was engaged to Lila Cheney, a space-touring musician with her band Cats Dancing. Yes, I knew that without looking it up, I was a virgin until I was 24.

Cisco Kid Movie Collection: The Daring Caballero (1949)

Directed by Wallace Fox and written by Betty Burbridge, this has Cisco (Duncan Renaldo) learn that Pappy Del Rio (David Leonard) is about to be hung for a crime he didn’t do. The Padre (Pedro de Cordoba) thinks he’s innocent as well, as so Cisco and Pancho (Leo Carrillo) break him out. Later, when Cisco talks to Mayor Brady (Stephen Chase), he realizes that he’s really a criminal. There’s also the son of Del Rio, Bobby (Mickey Little), who needs to be saved.

The heroes are against nearly every elite in town. More than just the mayor, it looks like bank president Ed Hodges (Charles Halton) and Marshall Scott (Edmund Cobb) are also in on the crime. Luckily, they’re up against Cisco and Pancho.

The Cisco Kid Western Movie Collection is available from VCI Entertainment. It has 13 movies and extras like two Cisco Kid TV episodes, interviews with Duncan Renaldo and Colonel Tim McCoy, and photo and poster galleries. You can get it from MVD.

VCI BLU RAY RELEASE and Spagvemberfest 2023: A Bullet for Sandoval (1969)

John Warner (George Hilton) deserts the Confederate Army when he learns that his lover Rosa (Annabella Incontrera, Black Belly of the Tarantula) is about to deliver his child. He’s captured but has two friends who allow him to escape and he makes it home just in time to learn that she’s died. Even worse, the child’s grandfather Don Pedro Sandoval (Ernest Borgnine) rejects the child, who also dies from a fever that could have been helped with all the money that the rich Sandovals have horded.

Warner then decides that all hope is gone, so he becomes an outlaw, mostly seeking to make the life of the Sandoval family as bad as possible. This whole movie is about revenge and two men who ultimately will do anything to one another even if it destroys themselves.

Director Julio Buchs also made Murder by Music and Django Does Not Forgive. There were rumors that Lucio Fulci directed this — the opening with a man cutting rings off dead fingers and pulling out fillings seems to be something he’d craft — but no, it’s not him.

It also has a great AKA title: Those Desperate Men Who Smell of Dirt and Death.

The VCI 4K blu ray of this movie has commentary by Alex Cox, which is really all the extras it needs, because he knows his Italian Westerns. It also has a trailer. You can get it from MVD.

MILL CREEK SCI-FI CLASSICS: The Snow Creature (1954)

EDITOR’S NOTE: I know this ran during Chiller Theater month. Maybe this is why I need more people to write for the site. Maybe you should volunteer, right?

Dr. Frank Parrish (Paul Langton) is collecting botanical samples in the Himalayas when the wife of his guide Subra (Teru Shimada) is kidnapped. The guide takes over and forces the entire group to find his wife who he claims has been taken by a Yeti. Parrish and photographer Peter Wells (Leslie Denison) plan on working together to stop Subra but they soon learn that the creature is real.

By the end of the story, Parrish and Wells have succeeded in bringing the Yeti back to what we call civilization, only for it to escape into the sewers and get killed by one of the men hunting it. Way to go, humans.

The Yeti is played by Lock Martin, who also played a Martian in the original Invaders from Mars and Gort in The Day the Earth Stood Still.

Director W. Lee Wilder is the brother of Billy and also made The OmegansPhantom from Space and Killers from Space. His son Myles wrote the story.

You can watch this on Tubi.

TUBI ORIGINAL: Still Here (2023)

I’m always amazed when a Tubi movie ends up feeling like a giallo, at least in plot. Famous writer William Law (Charles Malik Whitfield) accidentally kills his wife Jennifer (Veronika Bozeman) when they’re fighting over him leaving her for Kaitlyn (LaRita Shelby). He thinks she’s dead, so he does what bad giallo husbands do. He throws her off a boat and goes on with his life, working with his friend Kenny — they’re both drunk before his bar even opens figuring this out — and become even richer by writing the story of what just happened as his latest novel.

But what if Jennifer wasn’t dead?

 

Chris Stokes keeps making Tubi movies and I keep watching them. This does flirt with Italian psychosexual horror, as the cops are uniformly dumb and there is some fashion. But really, it’s just a dumb man thinking he’s smarter than the woman who helped make him. I kind of loved the book publisher pretty much telling William that being married made him a bad writer and that he needed to do something about it.

I’m also amazed that this has a big enough budget to have cover songs of Billy Paul’s “Me and Mrs. Jones” and Kanye West’s “Monster.”

As with all Tubi originals, this has somewhat of an open ending, so I can only imagine that we will soon get Still Here 2: I’m Still Here, Y’all, to be followed by Yo, Still Here: Still Here 3. If Chris Stokes would like, I’ll write both of these movies for him.

The only downside I can say with this movie is that the flashbacks get really confusing to the point that it’s hard to tell where we are in the story. The time and date help, but it’s pretty hard to understand at a few points. Also: who reads his own book at the bar to pick up women? The heroine of this should have known what she was getting into.

You can watch this on Tubi.

MILL CREEK SCI-FI CLASSICS: Moon of the Wolf (1972)

Daniel Petrie made some pretty much films — Fort Apache the BronxA Raisin in the Sun and The Betsy — as well as some memorable made-for-TV movies like Sybil (which ruled mid-70s bookshelves and viewings) and The Dollmaker.

Here, he’s in Louisiana along with a stellar cast making a movie that honestly could have played drive-ins. That’s how great these made-for-TV films were.

In the Lousiana bayou country of Marsh Island, two farmers (Royal Dano! and John Davis Chandler) find the ripped apart remains of a local woman. Sheriff Aaron Whitaker (David Janssen!) and the victim’s brother Lawrence Burrifors (Geoffrey Lewis!) both show up at the scene, but it’s soon determined that somehow, some way, the girl died from a blow to the head. Lawrence blames her most recent lover. The sheriff thinks it was wild dogs. And the Burrifors patriarch claims that it was someone named Loug Garog.

That mysterious lover could have been rich boy Andrew Rodanthe (Bradford Dillman!), who along with his sister Louise (Barbara Rush, It Came from Outer Space) lives in an old mansion, the last of a long line.

Based on Les Whitten’s novel, this originally aired as an ABC Movie of the Week on September 26, 1972, then reran as part of ABC’s Wide World of Mystery on May 20, 1974.

Don’t have the box set? You can watch this on Tubi.

MILL CREEK SCI-FI CLASSICS: Mesa of Lost Women (1953)

Before Ron Ormond went off and made his religious films, he was making some really out there movies. Actually, the religious films are just as bonkers, but Mesa of Lost Women is plenty strange as well.

Originally called Tarantula, Ormond came in, added some new footage and gave it the kind of name that would draw drive-in audiences. That’s after the original director, Herbert Tevos, claimed to have directed films in Germany starring Marlene Dietrich and Erich von Stroheim, including The Blue Angel. The truth is that Mesa is the only movie he ever worked on.

As we’ve watched movies where women — specifically outer space women — lorded over matriarchal societies this week, we’ve seen plenty of them working alongside giant spiders. Cat-Women of the Moon, Queen of Outer Space and Missile to the Moon*, you share something in common with this movie!

I love the beginning of this, as we watch a man get caressed by the monstrous hands of Tarantella, who kisses him to death as the narrator** intones, “Have you ever been kissed by a girl like this?”

What follows is not as good as that opening.

Grant Phillips (Robert Knapp) and Doreen Culbertson (Paula Hill) have been lost in the desert for days and nearly died from exposure and dehydration. As they recount their tale at the Amer-Exico Field Hospital, we discover the story of Leland Masterson, who has been invited by the spidery-named Dr. Aranya (Jackie Coogan!) to see the doctor’s human-sized tarantulas and women with the abilities and instincts of spiders, including Tarantella, who can regrow her body parts and could live forever. As for the males, well, they all turn out to be mutated dwarves. You can’t have it all, I guess.

Man, this movie is all over the place from here, with Leland getting drugged into insanity, Tarantella dancing in a club until she gets shot*** and then bringing herself back to life, George Barrows — the monster in Robot Monster — playing a nurse, sexual tension and, of course, a heroic and suicidal death for one of the leads, all wrapped up by the man and woman back in the hospital, telling their story that no one believes.

Hoyt Curtin wrote the music for this on guitar, bass and piano. It’s either going to make you happy or insane. Ed Wood must have been in the former camp, as he reused it for his movie Jail Bait.

This movie will hurt your brain, but hey — I’m all for a women-run society with gigantic spiders that believes in the power of dance numbers.

*To be fair, Missile is the exact same movie as Cat-Women. It was also filmed in the same location as Mesa, Red Rock Canyon Park.

**It’s Lyle Talbot, who also shows up in Amazon Women on the Moon, a movie surely influenced by this one.

***Before he shoots her, Leland quotes II Kings 9:33 by saying,”…So they threw her down, and some of her blood splattered on the wall and on the horses; and he trampled her underfoot…” as if he’s a proto-Jules Winnfield.

Don’t have the box set? You can watch this on Tubi or download it from the Internet Archive.

MILL CREEK SCI-FI CLASSICS: Menace from Outer Space (1956)

Clean-cut, square-jawed Rocky Jones of the Space Rangers was the lead character of a syndicated science fiction series that ran for two seasons from February to November of 1954. Shot in black and white, the show was about Rocky’s adventures as the space policeman for the United Worlds. Flying in his Orbit Jet XV-2 — and later the Silver Moon XV-3 — Rocky was a victim of budgets, as despite having a laser gun, he often defeated villains with his fists. Just as often, those villains were people in costumes speaking English instead of some alien tongue. Also, no matter where women came from — even lead villain Cleolanta, Suzerain of the planet Ophecius — they all love him in a precursor to the way James T. Kirk would be able to land any lady, even the green ones.

Rocky Jones was created by Roland D. Reed and starred Richard Crane as Rocky and former Our Gang member Scotty Beckett as Rocky’s co-pilot Winky. It was sponsored by Gordon Baking Company, which is why one of Rocky’s other ships was called the Silvercup Rocket after one of their bread brands. The show was greeted with a ton of cash-in merchandise, including watches, space dollars, badges, buttons, records, comic books and clothing.

Charactets changed in the last season, due to Professor Newton (Maurice Cass) dying of a heart attack — he was replaced by Professor Mayberry (Reginald Sheffield) — and Winky (Scotty Beckett) being arrested for possessing a weapon after being implicated in an armed robbery at the Cavalier Hotel in Hollywood. He left for Mexico, wrote some bad checks, got in a gun battle with the police and was jailed until he came back to the U.S. in 1954. He was replaced by a new comedy character, Biffen Cardoza (James Lydon). As for Cleodata, the new enemy became Juliandra, Suzerain of Herculon, played by Ann Robinson.

There are 39 episodes of the show with 36 being broken into 3-chapter arcs that were edited into TV movies. Menace from Deep Space are the “Bobby’s Comet” episodes that originally aired on April 6, 1954. The story is all about the Jovian moon Fornax, which is filled with energy crystals that Rocky and his friends — as well as his enemies — all want. Is it a Cold War analogy? Probably not. Yet the villains do dress like Arabic people and Cleodata refers to Rocky as an infidel, which is pretty strange.

There may be a kid sidekick, but Rocky’s love interest Vena Ray (Sally Mansfield) sure has a fancy car.

Ralston also sponsored a show called Space Patrol and working with Blue Bird shoes, gave away a spaceship. Here’s the ad copy courtesy of Solar Guard: “A hugh silver and scarlet rolling clubhouse, the Commander’s rocketship, the Terra IV. The ship is 35′ long, 10,000 lb in weight with a full size motorized flatbed truck to pull the Rocket. You can take the rolling clubhouse on trips, camp outs with your dad, sightseeing trips, or use it for you and your friends Space Patrol Headquarters. It has bunk beds lights, cooking equipment, and lockers for space gear. In addition to the Ralston Rocket there is $1,500 in cash to spend.”

There was also supposedly a rocket that traveled to promote Rocky Jones and for years, I’d hear rumors that people had found it. Imagine having your own space ship.

For a fictionalized retelling of the days of space kids TV, check out the Matt Fraction and Howard Chaykin comic book Satellite Sam.