CANNON MONTH: The Naked Cage (1986)

Paul Nicholas directed and wrote Chained Heat — and Julie Darling — so The Naked Cage feels like a ribfest play, going back to play the hits.

Michelle (Shari Shattuck, who shows up in some of the worst — and I mean best — movies of the 80s video horror era like Uninvited and Death Spa) has left the farm for the city to work at a bank just in time for her ex-husband Willy (John Terlesky, the second person to play Deathstalker) and his prison lady Rita (Christina Whitaker) to try to knock it over. They take Michelle hostage, Willy gets shot and somehow, the police take Rita’s word that our heroine was part of the robbery and that’s how we get to, well, The Naked Cage.

Of course, Rita ends up in the same jail, which is a hell hole were all the prisoners wear their own versions of the uniform which doesn’t make it a uniform when you think about it. Angel Tompkins (The Teacher) is the warden who, of course, is corrupt.

Luckily for Michelle, she’s in for bank robbery, which wins her some points with her fellow inmates instead of making her fresh meat. As for me, I’m happy that Lisa London — who was in Guns and Savage Beach — and Leslie Scarborough from Stewardess School are in this, because it reminds me that instead of using my mental acuity for doing something that means something for the world, I can instead instantly recall actresses from movies I saw on Cinemax thirty years ago.

Also: Carole Ita White, who played Trouble, is like a WIP lifer. Se was also Cheeks in The Concrete Jungle, Spider in Chained Heat, Ms. Jenkins in Savage Streets (not WIP but so close) and Nurse Turner in Hellhole.

One has to wonder how the Fabulous Thunderbirds felt about “Tough Enough” being in this movie. I’d like to think they loved WIP films. Right? That song was in every movie that was filmed in 1986, including Gung HoWise GuysThe Money PitHannah and Her SistersRuthless Peopleand Tough Guys.

You can watch this on Tubi.

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