JOE D’AMATO WEEK: The Crawlers (1993)

Man, this movie is just filled with everything that I love:

Multiple titles: It goes by Troll 3, Creepers and Contamination .7 while having nothing to do with Troll 2 (not that Quest of the Mighty Sword does either), Phenomena or Contamination.

Fake names: It has Fabrizio Laurenti (Witchery) directing under the pseudonym Martin Newlin while the man of many names, Joe D’Amato, goes uncredited even though he directed a fair amount of this film. He also wrote this — with Laurenti and the always dependably insane Rossella Drudi. Also, Daniele Stroppa as Daniel Steel and man, his resume has Convent of SinnersHigh Finance Woman and Blue Angel Cafe on it just to name a few.

It almost came out in American theaters: We should all be so lucky! It did come out here as a direct-to-video Columbia TriStar Home Entertainment VHS.

Italians in America: Much like the beloved Troll 2, it was shot in the big lights, big city of Porterville, Utah.

Earth vs. the Earth: Nuclear radiation makes vegetation go wild and kill people. Where can you run when there’s nowhere to run?

Costumes designed by: Laura Gemser, making the wardrobe person the most attractive person on the set.

A cast of people you may know from: Mary Sellers from GhosthouseStagefrightEleven Days, Eleven Nights and La maschera del demonio! Jason Saucier from Hitcher in the Dark and Top Model! An uncredited Gabriele Tinti — there on vacation with his wife!

A wild soundtrack: Carlo Maria Cordio, you have gifted us with the soundtracks of EndgameKilling BirdsNight KillerTroll 2 and this movie. Thank you for your synth.

There are a lot of people that live to make fun of bad movies. I say that the only bad movie is a boring film. This movie is neither bad not boring. I mean, plants eat people, then people hack up the plants and put them into radioactive barrels and ship them off for somewhere else. The end.

There’s also a scene where an intelligent plant stops a car by doing the banana in the tail pipe trick from Beverly Hills Cop.

You can watch this on Tubi.

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