Oh, Elke Sommer and Britt Ekland, oh, how I love thee both. Let me count the ways. The way I confuse your German bombshellness and Swedish beauty and mixed up your credits and get a quarter-way into a review and realize that I credited babe Elke — with her also ’90s low-budget horror doppelganger Severed Ties (which was a long ways away from her Baron Blood and Lisa and the Devil days) — for Britt’s vampy role.

Forgive me, Britt, ye of our Roy Ward Baker-Milton Subotsky opuses Asylum (1972) and The Monster Club (1980), for this is your movie. And how did you end up in this knock off of Jim Carrey’s Once Bitten (1985)? Why Fred Olen Ray hired you, ye of the great Terminator-cum-Alien patch job Alienator (1990). Which leads us to wonder: Why didn’t Fred offer you a two-picture deal and give you the role of the Alienator? How perfect that film would be with you — and Ross Hagan and Robert Quarry goin’ — on all “Star Wars” in the OlenVerse.

But wait! Hey, Father Ferraro is Robert Quarry (a long ways away from the Count Yorga days). And look! There’s Michelle Bauer (Witch Academy! Evil Toons! Sorority Babes in the Slime Bowl-o-Rama!, aka adult star Pia Snow!). And what the . . . ubiquitous film “nerd” Eddie Deezen (do we really have to rattle off his resume of B&S favorites) . . . as the hero?

We bow, oh, Lord Olen Ray. We bow before ye for employing Ernest Farino, the writer behind the Sly Stallone rip Terminal Force (1989) and Wizards of the Demon Sword (1991), in giving us this bevy of bloodsucking hookers from Transylvania. Which is a better title, come to think of it . . . but we get it: you needed to get some of that Eddie Murphy Beverly Hills Cop stank on ‘ya . . . or was that Terror in Beverly Hills? Which leads to ask: Why haven’t you and Frank Stallone done a movie, yet? (Fred’s rest on B&S: Biohazard, Dinosaur Island, Wizards of the Demon Sword, Evil Toons, and Beverly Hills Vamp. One day we’ll get to Star Slammer, Cyclone, Deep Space, Evil Spawn, and Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers.)

So wow. (The always affable) Eddie Deezen is the “cool” nerd, Kyle (you know, like Anthony Michael Hall’s “Farmer Ted” in Sixteen Candles), the brains of the geek-triad of Brock (Tim Jr., the son of Tim Conway from the The Carol Burnett Show; know your Antenna TV reruns, youngins) and Russell aspire to make a movie. And it turns out Brock’s uncle Aaron (who’s so “hep” he dresses like Sonny Crockett from Miami Vice) is a down-and-out director in Hollywood who can “help” them get their script made.

So to pass the time — in between their big meetings and sightseeing — they visit a call girl service, (i.e., prostitutes, i.e., brothel) managed by Madame Cassandra (Ekland) and her “girls” Jessica, Claudia, and Kristina (Bauer). Of course, the call girl service is a front for a vampire coven. Now Kyle, being the “cool nerd,” has a girlfriend, Molly, and, to be faithful to her, leaves Brock and Russell behind for a night of fun. And they never return. And when Kyle goes to the brothel, whadda know: nobody knows what Kyle is talking about. And Molly flies into Hollywood to help Kyle find his friends — and gets fanged. And when Brock finally shows up, he’s not the same either: yep, he’s been fanged to a pale and clammy complexion. Cue Robert Quarry. His Father Ferraro is the Van Helsing (and priest-aspiring-screenwriter) of this vampy boondoggle (as only Lord Olen Ray can give us) that helps — again, the “hero” — Eddie Deezen defeat Britt Ekland Elke Sommer, damn it, Britt Ekland. Oh, and to get some of that Jim Carrey Once Bitten (1985) stank on the celluloid: we have Balthazar, a gay butler-daylight protector-man servant (just like Clevon Little’s Sebastian) with the “hots” for Eddie Deezen, who confesses he doesn’t think he even likes girls.

So, after that fabulous light-show vamp disintegration (in the clip above) do we really have to tell you this is no Love at First Bite: you remember that George Hamilton vampire-in-modern-New York comedy that cleared near $40 million against a $3 million budget in the summer of 1979? Does this movie need chainsaws and a cult of Egyptian chainsaw-worshipping prostitutes, you know, like Olen Ray’s (last year’s) vamp rom, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers? And that’s what we have here: the same vamp romp played for camp. Well, both are “campy,” but you get the drift.

Now, amid all of the excessive nudity — surely added to distract our one-track minds from the swing-and-a-miss vaudevillian one-liners endlessly poking holes (sorry) in vampire folklore and vampires movies in general — Olen Ray claims that, amid the bad gags, there’s a socio-“subtext” about practicing safe sex.

Oh, Fred Olen Ray, you scamp. We don’t come to your movies for the social commentary. For ye are the king of all things boobs, blades, and blood, with a (very large) soupçon of aliens and bikinis.

But what I am talking about. I sans all of that ’80s boobs and bikinis tomfoolery of your 158-and-climbing resume for your Christmas movies. Yes, you heard me right: Fred Olen Ray is in the Christmas movie business these days. No more chainsaws. Bring on the enchanted mistletoe and magical snowglobes.

And it’s that time of year where Hallmark is holiday-programming the automation hard drives for — what looks like — a COVID Christmas. (Now that’s an exploitation title, Asylum Studios! Hint!) So, to help you make the list — and we checked it twice — we give you the holiday films resume of the man that went from vamps . . . to Santas.

And for that, we bow to ye, oh, Lord Olen Ray. We bow before ye.

Fred Olen Ray’s Holiday Films Resume

2020
A Royal Christmas Engagement – Director

2019
A Christmas Princess – Director
One Fine Christmas – Writer & Director
Baking Christmas – Director

2018
A Wedding for Christmas – Producer & Director
A Christmas in Royal Fashion – Writer & Director

2016
A Christmas in Vermont – Producer, Writer & Director

2015
A Prince for Christmas – Producer, Writer & Director

2014
Christmas in Palm Springs – Producer & Director

2013
All I Want for Christmas – Producer & Director

2013
Holiday Road Trip – Writer & Director

2012
A Christmas Wedding Date – Producer, Writer & Director

About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook. He also writes for B&S About Movies.