BASTARD PUPS OF JAWS: Night of the Sharks (1988)

One would imagine that by now, I wouldn’t be snowed by a great poster. But nope. This Italian-Spanish-Mexican film is proof that if the poster looks awesome and has sharks murdering people, I will ignore all the warning flags and dive right into a movie that lulls me into a fugue state of sheer pain.

David (Treat Williams) just wants to live in quiet along with his neighbor Paco (Antonio Fargas, Huggy Bear!) and his man-eating shark buddy Cyclops. However, his brother gets all tangled up in a conspiracy involving a businessman named Rosentski (John Steiner, who we all know was Overlord in Yor, Hunter from the Future).

There’s also an appearance by Janet Agren, who was the few bright spots of Panic and Ratman, two other movies that had awesome posters and not much else to write home about. Then again, she’s also in Fulci’s City of the Living Dead and Eaten Alive!, two much better movies than anything else that will be discussed in this article (she’s also in Hands of Steel, a movie that has an incredible poster that promises more than the movie delivers, yet I’m coming around on that one).

Plus — Christopher Connelly — Hot Dog from 1990: The Bronx Warriors and the dad from Fulci’s incomprehensibly awesome Manhattan Baby — plays a priest in his final film role.

I’m just telling you these facts to cover up the fact that I could barely make it through this movie. Seriously — a movie where a man uses traps and a shark to fight gangsters couldn’t sustain my interest.

Maybe you’ll like it better than I did. You can watch it on Amazon Prime with a subscription.

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