BASTARD PUPS OF JAWS: Piranha 3DD (2012)

After the events of the last Piranha film, where Lake Victoria was attacked by prehistoric killer fish that were continuing to evolve, the lake has drained and the town itself has been abandoned. But what if there were a new waterpark that could drum up tourism? That’d be cool, right?

At another lake, two farmers (Gary Busey and Clu Gulager!) find a dead cow that’s filled with piranha eggs, which hatch and kill them. Obviously, the piranha are not as eradicated as we’ve been led to believe. Which I guess is good, as otherwise, we wouldn’t have this movie, directed by Feast‘s John Gulager (who is Clu’s son).

That’s when we meet marine biology student Maddy (Danielle Panabaker, Killer Frost from the DCU shows) who is home for the summer and at the waterpark that she co-owns with her stepfather Chet (David Koechner). That’s when she learns that he’s about to re-open the park as Big Wet, complete with strippers and a grand opening featuring David Hasselhoff.

Of course, all oceanic hell is unleashed all over again. Deputy Fallon (Ving Rhames) returns from the last film, missing his legs and being helped by former cameraman and current therapist Andrew Cunningham (Paul Scheer), who is trying to get him back into the water. Luckily, his titanium legs have been outfitted with a shotgun with endless ammo, which will help.

There’s also a scene where a piranha swims into a woman’s nether regions and bites off the member of the man who is attempting to deflower her. Keep in mind that she has had the fish inside her for several hours and that will tell you all you need to know about this film and whether or not you should watch it. There’s also a scene where the decapitated head of a man motorboats the bloody breasts of a woman, so just know what you are getting into.

Christopher Lloyd returns as Carl Goodman, continually explaining how the fish continue to evolve and the connection between the park and the underground river where the piranha make their home. Interestingly enough, the sound of the piranha was not accomplished in this film in the way that Joe Dante did it — recording a dental drill with an underwater mic. Nope. In this film, they’re the sound of a chihuahua barking. Trust me, I have a five pound one of these dogs and it may be the most frightening sound you can be awoken by in the middle of the night.

Guess how they kill the fish? Yep. They blow them up real good. Then one of them learns how to walk and kills a small child, with the film ending with people taking selfies of the dead kid.

If you’re looking for a movie that’ll get you through the afternoon and perhaps make you laugh, I guess this will fit the bill if you’ve already seen all of the other Piranha films.

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