The war on Christmas is on, people.

Marshall Teague may be known as Jimmy Reno from Roadhouse but here he’s Mayor Bob Revere, a man who has lost his son Thomas (Austin Marks) to a war overseas, then lost his daughter-in-law Kari (Nikki Novak) and grandson Christian (Hunter Gomez) when they moved away. Now, he’s found a new battle, as he learns that kids aren’t allowed to sing Christmas carols and they took the Christmas tree down in front of the government building. They had to take the cross down on the mission where they feed the homeless, too. But Bob seems like a good guy, the kind of person who does surgery on bikers which is not the type of thing a pharmacist does, but hey, whatever.

Bob also is one of those guys that rides a Harley with a big American flag hanging off the back and wants you to say something about it. Come on, he dares you.

Also: his wife is Jennifer O’Neill. Yes, the same Jennifer O’Neill from Fulci’s The Psychic and Scanners.

This brings him into conflict with lawyer Warren Hammerschmidt (Fred Williamson, the Hammer in a religious right wing film which is on brand for him now) and even put in jail for his beliefs. That’s when I noticed he had a Satan Sucks patch and another that had 666 crossed out. He also meets Jesus in jail and man, Jesus looks metal.

Directed by Kevin McAfee and Darrel Campbell, who wrote the script and book that this was based on with Richard Headrick from a story by Gina Headrick, this movie also has Kari falling for her dead husband’s best friend, the Mayor’s daughter being on CNN as an anchor, Bill O’Reilly showing up on a TV and a theater director putting on a holiday play that keeps refusing to put religious things in it, so they lock him in a closet while he lisp screams in protest.  It also starts and ends with Ronald Reagan quotes.

Did you know people in Vietnam can be executed for celebrating Christmas?

In 2012, Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee took part in a telemarketing campaign that involved making over four million robocalls to promote the film. A lawyer just like Warren Hammerschmidt figured out that this was a violation of the Telephone Consumer Protection Act, as it was in the guise of a political survey, and a class-action lawsuit was later filed which ended up costing the producers of this movie $32 million dollars.

So let me soap box during this holiday movie. For years, there’s been a battle over the Nativity not being in front of my hometown municipal building. If you want that there, you also need to respect that there should be a Jewish display, a Kwanza display, a Satanic display and even something for Scientology. This is not a country formed by religious zealots, but instead a country by those seeking religious freedom from the Church of England. Your way may be the way in your place of worship but if I respect it, you should also respect my belief. That’s the whole point behind Happy Holidays versus Merry Christmas, the true start of the War on Christmas. What will prayer in schools solve? I bet everyone prays when their schools get shot up, huh? I know that it’s so basic — and I rarely discuss my political or religious feelings on this site because it should be all about movies — but can’t we just respect our differences? Didn’t Jesus choose not the rich religious leaders but the lowest of the low to spend time with?

Also: when did bikers go from 1% and against the law to suddenly being blind believers in the right wing? Didn’t bikers used to hate cops too? Maybe I was watching the wrong movies.

Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg, who directed and wrote this, also made the Harold and Kumar movies and along with Josh Heald, the series Cobra Kai. They also produced Blockers, which is pretty much an American Pie movie.

Why the class would all go to a thirteenth reunion, well, who knows, but the film finds them all at different paths in their lives. Jim (Jason Biggs) and Michele (Alyson Hannigan) are married with kids, Oz (Chris Klein) is a sportscaster with an unfaithful girlfriend, Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas) is a work-from-home dad, Paul (Eddie Kaye Thomas) is traveling the world and Stifler (Seann Willian Scott) is stuck working as a temp for a boss that demeans him.

Jim’s dad (Eugene Levy) is now a widower, so if you guessed that he’s going to end up with Stiffler’s mom (Jennifer Coolidge, you get this movie. And you’ll also enjoy that Stiffler ends up with Paul’s mom (Rebecca De Mornay). She even says a variation of her Risky Business come-on, “Are you ready for me, Stifler?”

It’s funny that Seann William Scott didn’t even have a sequel clause from the first film. For this onem he got an executive producer credit — same as Jason Biggs — and they each were paid $5 million plus a percentage of the profits. Alyson Hannigan and Eugene Levy were paid $3 million with the rest of the cast earning between $500,000 to $700,000 range, except Tara Reid. She got $250,000, which kind of makes me a little brought down.

I’m shocked we haven’t had another sequel or a series or some reimagining at this stage in the game. There were enough issues in this one that I worry that if they ever make one more, it’s going to be like The Bradys which is non-stop soap opera sadness.

At once a remake of Silent Night, Deadly Night and the sixth movie in the series, it’s amazing how good Silent Night is. Director Steven C. Miller turned to action films after this, which is a shame, because he gets how horror works. The script by Jayson Rothwell is great, too.

There’s a Santa killing sinners in Cryer, Wisconsin and he’s not shy or quiet about it. The cops, on the other hand, are following the lead of Sheriff James Cooper (Malcolm McDowell) and not telling the mayor or the media. Deputy Aubrey Bradimore (Jaime King, the queen of 2000s remakes after being in My Bloody Valentine 3D and Mother’s Day) is on the case as she worries if she’s made for being a cop, struggling to live up to the example of her father Hank (John B. Lowe), the former sheriff, and attempting to get over the death of her husband.

For a small town, there are a ton of suspects, including drug dealer Stein Karsson (Mike O’Brien), Reverend Madely (Curtis Moore) or drunk Santa Jim Epstein (Donal Logue). Or maybe it could be someone involved in the night that Santa turned a flamethrower on a party, which was based on the real life Covina Holiday Massacre in which Bruce Jeffrey Pardo dressed as Santa and then killed nine people by gunshot wounds and fire.

An old man regaining his voice to yell “Watch out!,” someone being impaled on antlers and even a “Garbage day!” callback. Silent Night has fun being in this film series and brings plenty of gore and holiday spite to stand out and be at the top of the holiday horror tree.

Director and writer Rob Kuhns does a great job in this of not only explaining why Night of the Living Dead is so important, but getting fans like Larry Fessenden — who executive produced — to tell why the film is so beloved. Of course George Romero shows up — John Russo declined, so they say — as well as film critics Elvis Mitchell, Jason Zinoman and Mark Harris, as well as industry heavyweight Gale Anne Hurd and Bill Hinzman, the first zombie from Night, as he takes part in a zombie walk.

You probably have heard every story and seen every doc there is on the film that began modern horror as well as gave Pittsburgh its title as the zombie capitol of the world. That said, this has some nice animation and the story directly from the main creator. Maybe there’s even something in here you haven’t seen. I mean, there’s a teacher who shows the film to his kids and explains zombie physics to them as well as some of the children who saw this on a matinee — the same old Roger Ebert wrote about — and gets them to tell how they grew up after seeing zombies chow down on those doomed and barbecued folks back in Evans City.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Somehow, this movie has nearly no humans and the wildest plot possible. In a world where ThanksKilling 2 was actually released, a movie that took Turkie into space, as you’d expect. Yet it failed to a level that anyone watching the movie died viewing it, so the studio destroyed it, all except for one copy that Turkie — now forced to be a normal family-having bird — wants to find, duplicate and destroy the world unless a series of puppets — Flowis the rapping granny, WiseTurkey, Muff, Yomi and Rhonda the bisexual space worm — created by Uncle Donny (Daniel Usaj) can stop him.

Huh?

Where Thankskilling was a slasher with a puppet demonic turkey as its villain, this movie just decides to throw everything inside the bird and drop it into a deep fryer to see what happens. Directed by Jordan Downey, who wrote this along with Mike Will Downey and Kevin Stewart, this has moments where everyone is turned into a video game, as well as Turkie saying, “Gravy” when he gets a chainsaw wing. If that makes you laugh, then you’ll love this. If you thought that was stupid, well, this movie has about 89 minutes more to attack you with.

I mean, this movie is quite obviously drugs and has a puppet’s anus being used to open a gateway to space. I love that I got to write that sentence.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Docter Freuhoffer (Oto Brezina) is obsessed with dolls and has been forced by Kommandant Moebius (Scott Anthony King) to learn how to bring the dead back to life or his daughter will be executed. Working with the evil Uschi (Stephanie Sanditz), he tries to reverse engineer the captured Tunneler and ends up making evil puppets Blitzkrieg, Bombshell, Weremacht and Kamikaze who battle the good puppets Blade, Pinhead, Leech Woman, Jester and Six Shooter.

If you look closely enough, you can also see Freakshow’s robotic baby from Killjoy 4, the Zuni doll from Trilogy of Terror and Retro-Tunneler’s head which was last in Retro Puppet Master.

Directed by Charles Band, who wrote the script with Shane Bitterling, this leads into the last film in the triology. Reviewers were not kind to this one, but you know, puppets fighting World War II is a theme that I’m going to watch no matter what. I mean, they did it four times, including the Blade spin-off, and I’ve watched them all.

Dustin Ferguson directed and wrote this assemblage of clips that tell a variety of slasher stories. Well, it’s really a homage — that’s the nice way of saying it — to Slumber Party Massacre, while also using clips from the director’s other movies Silly Scaries 2, Terror at Black Tree Forest and Escape to Black Tree Forest. Then, there are pieces of 7 Down by Tyler L. Schmid followed by big chunks of Abel Ferrera’s The Driller Killer, which is a fantastic movie and makes everything else in here look not that good by comparison.

I mean, yes, you can take public domain footage and make it the meat of your movie but should you?

I guess this was supposed to be a fake trailer for Slumber Party Massacre 4: It Runs In the Family, but I have no idea how all the other already made movies made their way in other than padding. Oh yeah — Devil Times Five also shows up as a trailer.

The audio is all over the place. Film quality varies. And you wonder, how is this on Tubi?

I think Dustin is a talented guy but he’s also the filmmaker whose Rattlers 2 was 70% Rattlers. I’d really like to see him make a great movie instead of ten alright movies in a week. And he should stand on his own instead of taking old footage or trailers. It compares and contrasts to his own films and he’s way too good to do that. I say this with hope and good intention.