Is Moby Dick the original kaiju? Maybe. But anyways, Moby Dick 2010.

Back in 1969, Captain Jonah Ahab (Barry Bostwick) lost his left leg, his sub and his crew to a giant whale. Now, in 2010, he believes that monstrous thing was Moby Dick, “a legendary sea creature of evil and immortality.” I had to take that line from Wikipedia because I liked it so much. 

Anyway, this whale keeps taking out U.S. Navy ships, and we can’t have that. The USS Essex gets wiped out, but the Pequod is where Ahab and a crew of marine scientists are, searching the seas for Dick, Moby Dick.

When I was a kid, there was a book-on-record ad that played one line from every novel adaptation. The only one I remember is “There she blows! There she blows! A hump like a snowhill! ‘Tis Moby Dick!” For decades, I’ve yelled this for no reason, always thinking it was “a hook like a snowhill,” which makes so much less sense. What’s wrong with me?

At the end of the movie, Moby Dick has killed almost everyone, sunk multiple ships, lost an eye and then dodged nukes. I’m going to write that again. It dodges nukes. These idiots wipe out an entire island, and Moby Dick swims away, and only Dr. Michelle Herman (Renee O’Connor, of course, you know her as Xena’s wife, Gabrielle) survives, but again, if you didn’t get it above, they just nuked the entire area, so she’s going to end up like the cast of The Conqueror. 

The whale can walk on land, and Bostwick built his own weapon, telling MediaMikes, “I didn’t want to be embarrassed by the fact that they only had a dollar and a quarter, you know, to make that movie. I still have that gun mounted in my workshop. I felt the gun had to be something reflective of the character…much larger than life.”

The IMDB facts for this movie all come from what I can only imagine is a disgruntled Navy veteran, who left notes like “None of the uniforms and insignia (or lack thereof) are appropriate for U.S. Navy personnel in the situations shown in the film.” and “The characters constantly state that this event in the film happened between Naval vessels of the 3rd Fleet off of San Diego, CA. Any and all United States Naval ships in and around San Diego are in the 7th Fleet. The 3rd Fleet is located much farther north, near Washington State.”

You can watch this on Tubi.

One of the three major yokai of Japan, the kappa is a water monster that looks like a frog wth a turtle shell. While they were once said to be killing machines that loved to drown people and cattle. Sometimes, they would remove a mythical organ called the shirikodama from their victims’ buttholes. But now, we see them as mischievous monsters that perform acts of kindness when captured, like revealing a secret medicine.

Directed by Tomoo Haraguchi and written by Masakazu Migita, this film follows Kanako returning home after failing as an idol singer. Just as she arrives, her grandmother Fujiko is run down by a VW Beetle that also smashes a kappa shrine. Her grandmother tells her to protect the kappa, just as the people in the car are taken by strange creatures. As for the kappa, he likes to dance to Kanako’s songs.

One night, those same creatures come to take the kappa, which is saved by Kanako, who is, in turn, kidnapped and presented to a mad scientist named Yuriko. Her creatures are called Umihiko, fish samurai who were supposed to save Japan during World War II, and she’s guided by her mummified grandfather, whom she loves. She wants to resurrect bushido and Japanese imperialism, starting with the girls who killed Fujiko, turning them into sharp-toothed fishwomen. As the kappa comes to save the day, Yuriko sets off a nuclear bomb that transforms all the fish people into a kaiju known as Hangyolas. The kappa kills the monster, but goes on a rampage that only Kanako can stop by singing to him and refilling the bowl on his head.

While this is silly in parts, as a kappa lover, I was beyond pleased.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Based on the “The Supergirl from Krypton” issues of Superman/Batman, this is the sequel to Superman/Batman: Public Enemies and has an art style based on the late Michael Turner. Directed by Lauren Montgomery and written by Tab Murphy, this is the story of Kara Zoe-El (Summer Glau), the heroine who will become Supergirl and how Superman (Tim Daly), Batman (Kevin Conroy), Wonder Woman (Susan Eisenberg) and other heroes like Habringer (Rachel Quaintance) and Artemis (also Rachel Quaintance) help to train her.

Soon, she’s attacked by Granny Goodness’ (Ed Asner) Female Furies — Gilotina (Salli Saffioti), Mad Harriet (also Salli Saffioti), Stompa (Andrea Romano) and Lashina (Tara Strong) — who Darkseid (Andre Braugher) wants to lead them. Superman and Batman turn to the last person who had this title, Big Barda (Julianne Grossman), to go to Apokolips and save the Kryptonian youngster.

This is a fast moving film unafraid to have death and violence in it, so if you have a child who loves superheroes, you should watch it with them and discuss it afterward. It’s very close to the comic, where writer Jeph Loeb has no issues killing off characters, which always surprises me, like Lyla, who was the Harbinger of original Crisis On Infinite Earths.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Directed by Lauren Montgomery and Sam Liu and written by Dwayne McDuffie, this is based on Grant Morrison’s JLA: Earth 2 and takes place between Superman/Batman: Public Enemies and Batman: Under the Red Hood.

On Earth-3, Lex Luthor (Chris Noth) is a hero, working with the Jester (James Patrick Stuart) to stop the Crime Syndicate. He escapes to our Earth and informs the Justice League of his plan to stop them from being the rulers of his planet.

Nearly every member of the Crime Syndicate has a duplicate on Earth-1.  Superwoman (Gina Torres) is Superman (Mark Harmon). Owlman (James Woods) is Batman (William Baldwin). Wonder Woman (Vanessa Marshall) is Ultraman (Brian Bloom). Power Ring is Green Lantern (both played by Nolan North), while Johnny Quick (James Patrick Stuart) is The Flash (Josh Keaton). The other Earth is so warped that instead of Deathstroke being a killer, he’s President Slade Wilson (Bruce Davison) and his daughter Rose (Freddi Rogers) somehow doesn’t become a mercenary, but instead one of the few good people on her world, falling in love with Martian Manhunter (Jonathan Adams).

Where the movie simplifies things is the revelation by Morrison that Luthor, no matter the world, is fated to lose while the Justice League will always win. When they switch worlds, this ruins the balance of this predestiny. That said, for a cartoon that has to make a quick version of this story, it’s pretty good. I loved how the Made Men show up, people given powers by the Crime Syndicate as almost mob henchmen, as well as getting to see Firestorm, Black Lightning, Black Canary and alternate versions of the Marvels, Vibe and Looker.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Andrei Konchalovsky made a Christmas movie.

The same Andrei Konchalovsky who made Maria’s Lovers, Shy People, Runaway Train and, oddly, Tango & Cash.

This was his passion project for twenty years.

It is not good.

He was inspired to adapt it into 3D as he thought it “would be useful in conveying the fantastical nature of the material, capturing the emotions of CGI characters, and appealing to a family audience.

He also made The Nutcracker, a ballet, with no ballet sequences because, because he believed “ballet cannot work in cinema very well.”

It was primarily financed by VEB.RF, a Russian state development corporation chaired by Vladimir Putin, and at the time was the most expensive Russian film ever.

In 1920s Vienna, Mary (Elle Fanning) and her brother Max (Aaron Michael Drozin) are being babysat by their Uncle Albert (Nathan Lane) while her parents Joseph (Richard E. Grant) and Louise (Yulia Vysotskaya) go to a Christmas Eve party.

That’s Uncle Albert Einstein.

Einstein gives the kids a dollhouse and a nutcracker by the name of NC (Charlie Rowe, voiced by Shirley Henderson) who soon comes to life and introduces her to his friends Gielgud (Peter Elliott and Daniel Peacock, voiced by Alan Cox), Sticks (Africa Nile) and Tinker (Hugh Sachs). They climb to the top of the Christmas tree and meet the Snow Fairy (also Vysotskaya), who informs the children that NC is really Prince Nicholas Charles, who has been deposed by The Rat King (John Turturro) and his mother, The Rat Queen (Frances de la Tour) and turned from a boy into a nutcracker. He’s a real boy again, but not for long, because when he comes back home, he’s transformed and we learn that the rats are, well, all Nazis.

Look at that line again. A kid movie with Nazi rats — like Art Spiegelman’s Maus — that’s an adaption of the Nutcracker with no dancing and lyrics by Tim Rice that was funded by Vladimir Putin and it’s in 3D.

Roger Ebert said it best: “From what dark night of the soul emerged the wretched idea for The Nutcracker in 3D? Who considered it even remotely a plausible idea for a movie? It begins with an awkward approximation of the story behind the Tchaikovsky ballet, and then turns it into a war by the Nutcracker Prince against the Holocaust.”

Roger Ebert, suffering from cancer, had to spent time in his slowly dwindling life watching this movie.

A Nazi movie, yes, but set in 1920. This movie has destroyed my mind.

Let me just get this all out of my head.

The Rat King says that he will create an empire that will last a thousand years, as well as a scene where he electrocutes his pet shark. In a movie for children. For Christmas. About The Nutcracker. Yet also the rat people are also shown as being persecuted. Why am I wondering so much about the politics of a 3D CGI rat movie? Should I leave the house and finish my Christmas shopping?

Clash of the Titans was one of my favorite movies as a kid. When the remake came out, I avoided it for the longest time. With Arrow’s new box set release, I finally watched it. Was it worth the wait?

Clash of the Titans (2010): When they started making this movie, producer Adam Schroeder and writers John Glenn and Travis Wright wanted to drop the “cheesy chessboard manipulation of characters” by the gods. Or, you know, the whole story of Perseus that this is based on and the story that Beverly Cross wrote for the 1981 movie this is also based on. As they dropped out and other creatives joined, the phrase “darker and more realistic” kept getting used and that’s where this ended up.

Director Louis Leterrier (The Transporter, The Incredible Hulk) was a big fan of the original film — his ending of the Hulk movie is inspired by it — and also took in elements of the Saint Seiya anime for this remake. There’s even a fun moment where Bubo the owl shows up to remind you of the first movie.

When the gods battle the Titans who made them, Hades (Ralph Fiennes) turned the tide with his monster the Kraken. As the gods split up the world, Zeus (Liam Neeson) screwed over Hades and gave him the underworld while he took the Earth and Poseidon the sky. Zeus also made humans, who disappoint him as they no longer worship him. Maybe it’s because he keeps messing with them, like how King Acrisius (Jason Flemyng) tried to take over Mount Olympus, which led to Zeus cucking him and knocking up the royal wife Danae (Tine Stapelfeldt) before throwing a lighting bolt and turning the king into the demonic Calibos — which isn’t in any myth — and then — run-on sentence much? — the king throws his wife and baby into the ocean. An immortal cursed by the gods named Io (Gemma Arterton) saves the child and has fisherman Spyro (Pete Postlethwaite) and his wife Marmara (Elizabeth McGovern) raise Perseus (Sam Worthington) as their own.

As he grows to be a man, King Kepheus (Vincent Regan) and Queen Cassiopeia (Polly Walker) rule the country he lives in, Argos. They go to war with the gods, which cause the Furies to sink his parent’s boat. Only he survives and is brought to the royal throne room. There, he meets Princess Andromeda (Alexa Davalos), who thinks her parents are morons for doing this. Well, they are, because Hades soon shows up, gets insulted when Cassiopeia says her daughter is as beautiful as the gods. He ages the queen until she dies and says that he will unleash the Kraken in ten days unless Andromeda is killed. Hades also says, “Oh by the way, Perseus is Zeus’ son.”

Perseus agrees to save Andromeda by defeating the Kraken. His plan is meet the Stygian witches (Ross Mullan, Robin Berry and Graham Hughes) who will tell him how to win and the answer is to get the head of the Medusa (Natalia Vodianova). Working with the royal guard, led by Draco (Mads Mikkelsen), Perseus battles giant scorpions and his father Calibos. Zeus also gives him a god sword that he refuses to lose until Calibos kills Io, so as he strikes his father, it transforms him back to reason. He asks his son not to become a god while Io, as she dies, begs him to save Argos.

While asked, Ray Harryhausen had no involvement in this as he felt his films had didn’t need to be remade. And yes, the ending is overly CGI, but it’s thrilling watching Perseus ride Pegasus and battle the gigantic Kraken (actually Leterrier in a green screen suit) to save Andromeda. All of my cynicism went away at the close of this, as I was happy with the action and how fast this moved.

But what of the sequel?

Wrath of the Gods (2012): Ten years after the first movie, humans have stopped praying to the gods, so the Titans have escaped and Zeus (Liam Neeson) is in trouble. Can he call on his son Perseus (Sam Worthington) to save the gods that he despises?

Despite being saved at the end of the first movie, Io has died — never mind that she’s Perseus’ great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother in actual mythology — and Perseus is raising their son Heleus (John Bell). Also, he should be the son of Perseus and Andromeda, but we’re already not following any of the source material. Perseus is now a fisherman when Zeus visits him, telling him that the prison that holds Kronos is failing. Our hero turns him down and soon, Zeus is attached by his son Ares (Edgar Ramirez) and Hades (Ralph Fiennes), who also murder Poseidon (Danny Huston). They make a deal with Kronos for power if they free him.

After fighting a Chimera that has attacked his hometown, Perseus looks for his father but only finds the dying Poseidon, who tells him that his son Agenor (Toby Kebbell), who can lead him to Hephaestus (Bill Nighy) and the prison of the Titans. Along with Andromeda (Rosamund Pike), Perseus goes on a quest that sees him battling a minotaur, cyclops and demons. How can he defeat Ares and the creator of the gods? By combining Zeus’s thunderbolt, Hades’ pitchfork and Poseidon’s trident into the Spear of Trium.

There are some fun moments, but this sequel, directed by Jonathan Liebesman (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning), feels like effects and monsters thrown at you instead of the story of the first, which was a step down from its classic inspiration. This did much worse at the box office, which led to the third movie, Revenge of the Gods, being cancelled.

The Arrow Video When Titans Ruled the Earth set is available in both 4K UHD and blu ray. Extras include an illustrated collector’s book containing new writing by author and critic Guy Adams and film scholar Josh Nelson, a double-sided fold-out posters for each film featuring original and newly commissioned artwork by Joe Wilson, six postcard sized artcards and reversible sleeves featuring original and newly commissioned artwork by Joe Wilson.

Clash of the Titans has an interview with producer Basil Iwanyk, an alternate ending, deleted scenes, a trailer, an image gallery and several features. Wrath of the Titans also has an interview with Iwanyk, deleted scenes, a trailer, an image gallery and several features.

You can get the 4K UHD and blu ray sets from MVD.