EDITOR’S NOTE: Did you know that Visual Vengeance has a ton of movies on Tubi? It’s true. Check out this Letterboxd list and look for reviews as new movies get added. You can find this movie on Tubi.

Ace Cruz didn’t just direct and write this, he also stars in it as Billy, a drug dealer who worries about what he’s doing — even as kids are shot in drive-bys while he’s sitting on a park bench — and gets angry at his girl when she’s stripping. And oh yeah, he’s friends with Todd Bridges from Diff’rent Strokes who is using the drugs they should be selling. There are some martial arts scenes — very slow ones — and an ending that is totally Carlito’s Way except that it cost about the condiment budget of craft services for that movie.

Cruz has gone on to make Psychotic, Urban Task Force, Fate, Desert of Death and Outrage: Born In Terror. But when else would he make a movie where Todd Bridges has a different woman in every single scene? That’s why I kept watching this, even when every single person sold out Billy.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Did you know that Visual Vengeance has a ton of movies on Tubi? It’s true. Check out this Letterboxd list and look for reviews as new movies get added. You can find this movie on Tubi.

Bret McCormick is someone whose movies must be allowed to wash over you. Like this one, which starts with an explanation of what a Bio Tech Warrior is, a “military product of the secret government is intended for use as a policeman, to prevent any insurrection among the citizens in the coming new regime” and something that has been created with pieces and parts of the grey ones.

Sure, it’s a home made costume that looks to combine pieces of BMX gear, a SCUBA suit and some paint, but who cares? When you start with an explanation like that and make a downbeat 90s cyberpunk movie that really wants to be a 60s science gone wrong warning movie, you cannot be wrong or bored.

You just know that if the government made a robot cop for its shadow killing, it would live on human blood.

There’s only one other review of this movie on IMDB and it makes me sad because of how it talks about this movie. They seem angry that they watched it instead of approaching this with the love and wonder that it deserves. Free your mind, my friend.

Several years ago, Eva (Bianca Koedam) left Poland to become an interpreter, which has paid off well. But when her sister Maria (Jennifer Driver, who shows up in the Guns N’ Roses video for “Since I Don’t Have You” as she was dating Axl Rose at the time; she’s also in the movies Apri gli occhi e… sogna and Fairway – una strada lunga un sogno) visits Milan, she arrives just in time to see her sister once before she is killed after one of her many evenings as a call girl.

After her sister’s friend — another call girl — is killed giallo-style by being thrown off a building and through a glass rooftop, Inspector Tony Messina (Raz Degan, an Israeli-born model to actor) takes Maria seriously. Their plan? She starts answering her sister’s phone and goes to meet her clients, hoping to find who murdered her, all while carrying a baby monitor so Tony can listen and keep her safe.

Director and co-writer Carlo Vanzina — with Enrico Vanzina (the brothers are the sons of famous Italian director Steno) and Franco Ferrini — made two other giallo before this, the odd Mystere and, of course, Nothing Underneath. He would go on to make the third film in that latter film’s unconnected life, Sotto il vestito niente – L’ultima sfilata. Like all of his films, this is quite slick and with the quality of its dubbing, you may even think that it’s an American movie.

This definitely has a crew that knows giallo, as the cinematographer is Luigi Kuveiller (The New York Ripper, Deep Red) and the score is by Pino Donaggio. There’s never any danger, however, nor do we even get to see a black glove or gleaming blade. In fact, Eva is killed by accident. That said, it looks slick and moves quickly, even if Tony ends up being a jerk and Maria is never sure if she wants to go all in on acting as a call girl or constantly covering herself up.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Years after the story in Tremors, Val McKee has moved away and married Rhonda LeBeck. Oh well — Kevin Bacon did Apollo 13 instead and Reba McEntire went on tour.

As for Earl Basset (Fred Ward), he wasted his money on an ostrich ranch. The good news — I guess — is that the monsters haven’t gone away.

A rich man named Carlos Ortega (Marcelo Tubert) is upset that Graboids are killing his men on the oil fields. He offers Earl $50,000 for monster he kills, money that interests the man picking Earle up for this mission, Grady Hoover (Christopher Gartin). He also finds out that he gets $100,000 if they captures one alive.

Along with geologist Kate Reilly (Helen Shaver) and her team of Julio (Marco Hernandez) and Pedro (José Rosario), who are studying the monsters, Earl and Grady use remote control cars with bombs to wipe out Graboids before they get overwhelmed. That’s when they call in Burt Gummer (Michael Gross) to help them wipe them all out.

Well, that seems easy until they meet a new mutation that they call Shriekers. This version of the beasts can replication without a mate when they eat food and while they can’t hear, they can sense through their infrared sensors.

Originally created to be direct to video, this kept getting delayed — for two years — because every time they played it in theaters for test screenings, it did really well. The fans wanted it to be in theaters and it finally ended up playing there — at the TCL Hollywood Theatre, the Alfred Hitchcock Theater and the National Theatre in Tokyo, Japan — before being released on video.

This was directed by S.S. Wilson, the co-creator of the franchise and inspiration for the character of Burt Gummer. He was also the narrator. He also wrote Heart and Souls, Wild Wild West and Short Circuit. He also directed Tremors 4: The Legend Begins and wrote the script with his usual writing partner Brent Maddock.

There’s a reason why they made so many of these movies. They’re fun and filled with great looking kaiju. It’s a perfect video era watch.

The Arrow Video release of Tremors 2 has a new 4K restoration from the original negative by Arrow Films, approved by director S.S. Wilson. There are two commentaries, one by director/co-writer S.S. Wilson and co-producer Nancy Roberts and the other with Jonathan Melville, author of Seeking Perfection: The Unofficial Guide to Tremors.

There are also interviews with special effects designer Peter Chesney and CG supervisor Phil Tippett. It also includes an on-set featurette, outtakes, trailers, an image gallery, an illustrated perfect bound booklet featuring new writing by Jonathan Melville on the Tremors 2 scripts that never got made, and Dave Wain & Matty Budrewicz on the history of the Universal TV sequel division, a double-sided fold-out poster featuring original and newly commissioned artwork by Matt Frank, a small fold-out poster featuring new Shrieker X-ray art by Matt Frank and limited Edition packaging featuring original and newly commissioned artwork by Matt Frank.

You can get the blu ray from MVD and the 4K UHD from Arrow Video.

Directed by Michael Deak and Aaron Osborne and written by Neal Marshall Stevens, this movie has aliens send a 185-foot, laser-eyed monster called Zarkorr to destroy Earth. The only man who can stop it is postal worker Tommy Ward (Rhys Pugh), who is helped by a 6-inch-tall pixie named Proctor (Torie Lynch), who is a mental image projected into his brain by another group of otherworldly creatures. However, the beast can’t be destroyed by any weapon.

The Zarkorr scenes directed by Michael Deak were filmed before Neal Marshall Stevens wrote the script. That’s the kind of movie that you’re getting into. However, those are the best parts of this movie. Zarkorr is pretty awesome and I wish that he was in his own movie instead of this, something better and with a bigger budget. Yet he rises above, even if he gets defeated by a mirror.

You can watch this on Tubi.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Vice Academy 5 aired on USA Up All Night on April 25 and November 29, 1997.

An x-rated computer game gets out of control when the commissioner’s son Irwin (Chad Gabbert, who played the role in the fourth through sixth films of this series) unleashes a virtual reality hooker that tries to take over the world of crime from his father’s basement. Meanwhile, the commissioner is also dealing with his new wife Ms. Devonshire (Jayne Hamil, who was in the first, fifth and sixth of these), who just wants to consummate their marriage.

Candy (Elizabeth Kaitan, who is in every one of these but the first film) and newcomer Traci (Raelyn Saalman) are our Vice Academy girls this time out and they have their hands full dealing with the aforementioned Heidi Ho (J.J. North, Vampire Vixens from Venus), a virtual criminal. There’s also appearances by Tane McClure (who would go on to play Elle’s mother in the Legally Blonde movies), Karen Knotts (yes, the daughter of Don), Honey Lauren (who made Wives of the Skies) and an uncredited Ginger Lynn, who briefly shows up as an inmate, but we should all pretend that she’s Holly working undercover, right?

Pretty much shot in writer/director Rick Sloane’s garage, this movie had such a small budget that Kaitan and Saalman’s outfits came off a dollar rack at an outlet store. This is a movie for those that want the storytelling of pornography without the semen all over the star’s faces. I don’t know who you are, but they made six of these movies just for you. And somehow, I have watched all of them more than once.

You can watch this on Tubi.

The ups and downs of Renny Harlin’s career is pretty amazing and demands further investigation in the future. How does one recover from Cutthroat Island? As we brace for Harlin to make a return with a new The Strangers movie in 2024, this project needs to come to life.

Until then, The Long Kiss Goodnight.

Harlin and his leading lady, Geena David, were married from 1993 to 1998, but she filed for divorce shortly after her personal secretary, Tiffany Bowne, gave birth to Harlin’s first child, Luukas “Luke” Harlin in August 1997. As the time lines up, some of that affair was during the making of this film. I don’t know how that colors your enjoyment of this film.

It did well — but writer Shane Black wondering if it would have done better with a male lead — and some of that is because their past film, the previously mentioned Cutthroat Island, did so bad.

Davis has a fascinating career as well, She told Vulture in 2016, “Film roles really did start to dry up when I got into my 40s. If you look at IMDb, up until that age, I made roughly one film a year. In my entire 40s, I made one movie, Stuart Little. I was getting offers, but for nothing meaty or interesting like in my 30s. I’d been completely ruined and spoiled. I mean, I got to play a pirate captain! I got to do every type of role, even if the movie failed.” Yet where I’ve always admired her is that while she’s attractive, that hasn’t been the main reason why she’s been so remembered, starting back in Tootsie.

In this movie, she plays two sides of the female experience: amnesiac good girl schoolteacher Samantha Caine and unstoppable badass Charlene “Charly” Elizabeth Baltimore. She only fully engages in her real Charly self when she’s nearly drowned on a water wheel while completely nude, which seems like a subject drenched with some subtext. Regardless, she’s the capable one of team she forms with Samuel Jackson’s detective, Mitch Henessey. And yet at the end, she is comfortable enough to put that life behind her again — without amnesia leading her to follow that path — and become a partner to a man and a mother.

The real success of the film is that the people who made it loved what they did. It’s one of Jackson’s favorite films he was in to watch — he was killed in the original cut until an audience member loudly protested during an early test viewing — and Davis said, “I love that movie. My character might be my favorite role—it’s a close call between Thelma and that one. Anyway, that movie came out great and got some good reception, but it didn’t soar to heights, let’s say, perhaps as we wanted it to.” As for Harlin, it’s his favorite of his movies, saying, “…it’s just very simple. It’s a movie that had a really good screenplay, which meant that I was able to get really good actors. It’s always challenging to make a movie, but it sure makes it easier when you have a good screenplay like in that one. When you have characters that are complex, and you have good drama and have some humor and some good action, you kind of have all the ingredients. When you have that you don’t even need some crazy special effects — you just need to let the characters do their thing. It was a great experience.”

You can listen to The Cannon Canon episode of The Long Kiss Goodnight here.

Directed by Pasquale Fanetti, who often worked as a cinematographer on movies like Lady Chatterley’s Passions 2: Julie’s Secret and Penombra, as well as directing Lady Emanuelle and 1990’s Top Model 2, which was written by Ernesto Gastaldi and Roberto Leoni while seemingly having nothing to do with the Joe D’Amato movies, Intimate Crimes has the traditional large Italian writing room, including Albert Barney, Pino Buricchi (who wrote The Red Monks to give you an idea of this film’s quality) and Gaetano Russo (the writer of Trhauma and director of Crazy Blood and Abisso Nero), as well as a late in his career Renato Polselli.

This comes in the time when the giallo has become the erotic thriller and when the sex part of the sex crimes is more important than the crime, so to speak. Yet at the heart of all erotic thrillers beats the yellow blood of Edgar Wallace-influenced murder mysteries and this is no different, even if the nudity is more abundant and some of the sex scenes seem downright painful. I mean, people do not couple in this way ever, their parts do not match or come together in this way and yet we have been instructed by not just Hollywood that everyone ruts together in such a stiff and natural way.

Gabriella Barbuti, who plays Claudia, is in Karate Warrior 6. Sometimes, the deeper you go into watching these movies, the more you realize that you are gaining arcane knowledge. However, unlike in magic or, let’s say, something that would be beneficial to humanity, you only have this knowledge for yourself. She’s also in P.O. Box Tinto Brass, a movie where women write letters to the famous dirty old man director and tell him their fantasies and the Sergio Martino-directed, Umberto Lenzi-written Craving Desire, speaking of giallo masters trying to remain relevant in the 90s. She looks exactly as you would expect an actress in a Tinto Brass movie to look and I mean that as the highest of compliments. Another actress he used was Sara Cosmi, who plays Valeria. She’s also in P.O. Box Tinto Brass.

Sadly, so much of this feels uninspired. I always think the men who made actual giallo would gaze out the window while making these and think wistful thoughts back to the late 60s or early 70s, when life was a bit younger, when it didn’t feel like work to get out of bed in the morning, when the cradle was closer than the grave. It’s for them that I watch these later efforts, as if to put a hand on their sleazy shoulders and say, “I will still be here for you, even if it is only metaphorically and through the tracking of ancient VHS posted digitally through pirated files.”

It’s rare for Becca to get as upset about a movie as Plankton, but I’ve heard about this movie repeatedly since she watched it with me and with good reason. It’s the kind of movie so bad that it circles the sun like Christopher Reeve Superman and comes back twice as horrible as it was before.

In short, this is the kind of movie I get on here and write a thousand words about.

Alvaro Passeri made The Mummy Theme Park and for that he gets a lifetime pass to make movies this horrifically rough. The editing gets so frenetic at one point that I was waiting for Çetin İnanç to fly over from Turkey and tell him to settle down.

Also known as Creatures from the Abyss, this film has the absolute nadir of special effects within it, as radioactive fish mutate and then take over humans and you want everyone to die, particularly Bobby, who makes some of the worst jokes in the history of horrible jokes. In fact, this movie is pushing me to look up new synonyms for worst, awful, bad and poor.

And yet I love it.

But how can I hate a movie that has a cyclopean mermaid clock that talks to everyone and says cute things and comments on the film? Why is there an anthropomorphic clock in an aquatic slasher film? Why is there an endless vomit scene and an even more intense fish-stomping scene?

I nearly had a seizure several times in this movie from laughing and the strobing editing. And then some woman started growing crab claws out of her head that were basically crab claws tied to her head, perhaps via the magic of sweatband. And I nearly forgot that the shower has an artificial intelligence that just wants to see people have sex with each other or themselves while it watches.

I owe my wife an apology and you one as well, because as always, I’ve probably made this sound way better than it is. I’ll probably watch it at least ten more times and fall in love with it even more, because it is obviously made by someone who has no idea that it was approaching John Waters levels of upsetting moments when all he wanted to do was make a silly little horror movie.

That said, I’ve watched every movie that Passeri has made and he definitely has a style. It’s unlike any movies that I’ve seen anyone else make.

You can download this from the Internet Archive.