“While doing research, a group of young geniuses accidentally stumbles upon a secret terrorist plot to create a time machine to go back in time and change history.”

You have no idea how fast I raced to Tubi and watched this.

They’re not just changing history. They’re sending a military force back in time to kill Jesus before he can be crucified.

Or let’s let director and writer Jim Carroll explain the plot: “Extremists use a time machine to go back and commit the ultimate jihad of killing Jesus and the Disciples before the Resurrection. The young geniuses who created time travel must go back in time, dodge the assassins, interact with Bible characters, and make the corrections before the timeline overrides itself and starts the apocalypse.”

Ram Goldstein (Morgan Roberts), Amy Lee (Ilsa Levine), Simon (Lamar Usher) and Felix (Cesar D’ La Torre) are all working for Ahmed (Gerardo Davila), who wants more than just revenge for losing his wife and kids. As part of a radical terrorist Muslim group, he wants to be part of a global Jihad by creating a time machine that will go back in time to 33 A.D. and letting Brandt (Donny Boaz), a man who has lost his family in a car accident, lead a team of black ops killers to shoot Jesus, retroactively destroying Christianity and by extension, stopping God’s plan of salvation for humanity.

What I saw was Black Easter, the reworked version that also somehow features Heidi Montag. Or maybe I saw the director’s cut. I did not see the original version or the first title, Resurrection Time Conspiracy.

Man, I have no idea how to even explain so much of this to you, but let’s use TV Tropes for some help. 

“In the first time jump, Brandt and his platoon arrive at the Gethsemane garden and succeed in terminating Jesus Christ and all His disciples for good measure.”

This is one of the wildest scenes I’ve ever seen in a movie, as a whole unit of modern mercs just unleashes Call of Duty chaos on the Son of Man.

“While Ram and Amy try to undo it by traveling back to before Ahmed killed his parents, they end up right in Ahmed’s clutches as it was Daylight Savings Time and get killed while trying to warn their past selves about Ahmed’s true intentions.”

That’s right. These guys are smart enough to build a time machine, but dumb enough not to think of Daylight Savings.

Ahmed is one of the meanest movie villains I’ve ever seen. Once Ram learns that he’s evil, Ahmed brings in Ram’s parents and kills them in front of him. Then he tells him to finish the time machine so he can go back in time and save them. 

This is where I should remind you that Jesus is considered a holy man, but not a prophet, in Islam. He’s not an enemy of Islam.

So after all manner of main characters dying over and over and so many time loops, Ram goes back in time dressed as a traffic guard before he and Amy travel back to Lab 19 and get killed by Ahmed. That said, Ram resurrects himself and takes a dying Amy to a hospital 30 in the future, except, well — the future is the Great Tribulation. The Black Easter cut reveals that Ahmed used the DNA sample he collected from Jesus’ body to make an evil clone of Him, who came to be known as The Antichrist.”

I was amazed. This went there.

This is a movie that has Simon, the only black scientist, sound like Chris Tucker, spoil Jesus’ Passion to Him and then say, “I’m from the future. And I’ve seen your movie. I got it on bootleg. Forgive me, Lord, I’m sorry.”

Yet the production values are excellent, seriously. This is such a wild time-travel movie that I’d love to recommend to more people, but it’s so over the top in its hatred of Muslims that I have no idea how I could. Simon, being Simon of Cyrene, who carried Jesus’ cross? That’s the kind of Christian continuity that I need in these films. And why is Ahmed so happy that the world he wanted is obviously unlivable? So many questions.

That said, I really think everyone should see this movie. It’s something.

You can watch this on Tubi.

This is not a movie about cocktails or handjobs. Yes, I refer to handjobs as old-fashioned.

Anyway, this is a religious movie about dating.

Clay Walsh (Rik Swartzwelder) is an antique shop owner who also restores furniture. He rents a room above his place to Amber (Elizabeth Ann Roberts), who is a bit weirded out by the fact that Clay won’t be in the same room with her. Well, he’s made a vow not to be alone with a woman who isn’t his wife. But he will come up to fix things, so she starts breaking stuff to get to talk to him.

As they get to know one another, we learn that Clay used to shoot, well, exploitation porn of girls like Girls Gone Wild, which is stranger than Amber’s checkered dating past. That’s why he hasn’t dated anyone and has devoted himself to crafts. 

So yeah, they held this movie for a year so it could release in the same theaters as 50 Shades of Grey.

Also: Directed, written and produced by Swartzwelder, and you know, vanity may be a sign, but it’s my favorite.

That said, this is not like most faith movies. No one religious is under attack. Instead, it’s two people trying to find their way in a world that can be very upsetting. I actually liked this.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Directed and written by Corbin Bernsen, this is based on the website of the same name, which has “60% brand awareness among U.S. dating service users, with 17% indicating they had used the platform.”

Gwyneth Hayden (Lacey Chabert) works in advertising, so we know she’s Godless. But after seeing an ad for the dating site for the devoted, she buys The Bible for Dummies and Christianity for Dummies, then starts seeing Paul Wood (Jonathan Patrick Moore), a believer whose entire family — which includes Morgan Fairchild and David Keith as mom and dad — is super involved in the church. They surprise her by telling her they are going on mission work, and she comes along, only for her cheat books to be found. Not everyone understands the concept of forgiveness, and she goes back home, where she decides she wants to be a Christian, even if she won’t see Paul.

Paul spent no time mourning, as he’s already dating childhood friend Kelly (Jill Saunders), despite seeing the work that Gwyneth has done. This being a romcom, of course, they get together.

Bernsen shows up as Matt, the guy who fixes our heroine’s bike. In his shop, he’s watching The Young and the Restless, and that’s Bernsen’s late mother, Jeanne Cooper, in the scene he’s checking out.

Also, this feels like IMDBS: “Corey Feldman, who was Lacey Chabert’s spiritual advisor at the time, pleaded with her not to do this movie, and do The Lost Tree instead. She ended up doing both.” I say BS, as the The Lost Tree trivia says: “Corey Feldman, who was Lacey Chabert’s spiritual advisor at the time, pleaded with her not to do this movie, and do Christian Mingle instead. She ended up doing both.”

The Common Sense Media notes for this movie are excellent: “I only joined to rate this Christian Mingle movie. I am a 71 year old woman. I watched the entire movie only because I was waiting to see if either the young man or his mother would get their “comeupance” for their judgmental attitudes. Yes, the young Lady may have “lied” as she tried to fill the requirements that the arrogant, judgy mother had instilled in her precious boy. And the fact that he could not stand up to “Mommy”, but had no trouble telling the young lady all of her “sins”! Then he leaves his wife and baby. Some Christian. And Lacy jumps into his arms. I would not want my Grandchildren to even see this movie.”

Also: John O’Hurley’s character is dealing with baldness, so he wears a captain’s hat.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Wealthy drug dealer Miles Montego (Ja Rule) starts dating out of his type when he meets Vanessa Leon (Adrienne Bailon, who I know dated Rob Kardashian), a lovely Christian woman (“A cross upon her bedroom wall / From grace she will fall / An image burning in her mind / And between her thighs”) at a friend’s house. Miles claims he wants to change his life and find God, but he’s still moving weight, and the DEA is on to him.

The Wikipedia for this movie is great, because it summarizes the film in a few sentences, which allows you to see precisely how much happens so quickly: “Miles’ mother dies from an illness, and he proposes to Vanessa on an airplane. After a car accident, Vanessa enters a coma. As he waits in the hospital, Miles starts to restore his faith in God, praying to him to make Vanessa wake up and saying that she shouldn’t have to pay for his sins. Vanessa recovers, and the two marry.”

Not only does Miles marry a church girl, but he soon becomes a pastor. While all of his friends are in jail — he sends Bibles — for his crimes, he gets away with it. Writer and producer Galley Molina made this about his own life, and unlike Miles, he did pay for his crimes with a jail sentence. I mean, so did Ja, serving 28 months for tax evasion. People can change.

Ja does get to drop this monologue (thanks to Complex for transcribing) in which he yells at God in a church, no less: “Good, I’m glad you’re here, because we’ve got some serious issues to talk about. First of all, you took my mother from me, and that just about killed me, but I kept my mouth shut and let that one slide. I’ve done some bad things to people for a lot less, but I’ve been trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. But I’ve been faithful. I’ve been going to church and reading your precious little book. I even drop stacks of hundreds into that little velvet bag they pass around every Sunday! I’ve changed. I’m a changed man—can’t you see that? Oh, my bad. Of course you can. You see everything, right?

So what’s the problem then? What do you want from me? I know I haven’t made you proud. How can I with all this mess I’ve got goin’ on? What happened? What happened to all those things I’ve been reading about: grace, forgiveness, mercy? Where was the mercy for my mother? And now you want to take Vanessa away from me? Nah, that ain’t happening, big guy.

Look, I’m a stand-up guy, man. If anybody needs to pay for their sins, then let it be me—please, leave everybody else out of it. Just take me! I’m ready for whatever you’ve got coming. You want to send me to Hell? Book the flight! But please… Please, I’m begging you. Don’t take Vanessa from me. Just tell me, whatever you want me to do. Tell me what you want me to do to spare her life. I didn’t mean a word I just said. I’m sorry for yelling at you in your house.”

As for me, I love the cast they got: Stephen Baldwin, Martin Kove, Michael Madsen and Jerry Rice? That’s how you do it!

You can watch this on Tubi.

“When workaholic Ty Bounds retires after 35 years as a computer programmer, he seeks ways to spend his time serving God. Following the Holy Spirit’s lead, he returns to college to wage war against secular humanism and mentor a new generation in truth-seeking.”

There’s no way I wasn’t watching this. 

Gramps, or Ty, is played by this film’s writer, Donald James Parker. His returning to school as an untraditional student is seen as an aberration. But Ty isn’t going to school to learn. He’s going to teach, which means sitting in biology class and calling everyone out for speaking about evolution. This causes Professor Tucker (Carol Anderson) to keep asking him out and even sexually assault him at one point. 

Ty fucks, but Ty doesn’t fuck, as the kids say.

Ty is very realistic. Every old right-wing religious person I know is always looking for an opportunity to start talking about what’s wrong, even if they’re in charge and, as old white men, rule the world already. At one point, during a chess match, Ty goes off about fluoride in the drinking water, which he says causes cancer and fibromyalgia. No one asked Ty. They are playing chess.

Ty also has a roommate named Brad (Rusty Martin), who starts dating a lapsed Christian who loves to drink. She does what a few kids do every year at CMU and the major colleges in Pittsburgh. She drinks so much — 20 shots of Everclear, if we’re to believe this movie — that she dies. That’s because kids like this didn’t drink in the woods, running from cops. Drinking seems cool, right? Not where I grew up, as you run through mud and water while searchlights are all over you, and you want to puke, but you can’t get caught. If you can stay that aware, you never drink yourself to death. You just became a lifelong alcoholic. 

They then bring her back to life.

As Gramps says, “I used to think that universities were meant to teach us how to think, but I’m beginning to realize that they’re trying to teach us what to think.” 

This movie hits too hard; it’s too much like what the world would become in the decade after its release: a nation of Gramps who have all done their own research. Then, the academic bastards kick Gramps out of school, and he surmises, “I guess the devil didn’t want me here.”

Oh Lord, why have you deserted me? I just learned that this is a sequel to another movie, In Gramps’ Shoes. 

Now I have to watch that.

You can watch this on Tubi.

We understand Cold Creek Manor because no matter how good a provider Dennis Quaid is to Sharon Stone, you can easily see that she’s up for a little bit of fantasy, imagining how Stephen Dorff would use her in bed. Therefore, when he goes crazy, it’s earned, and we’d all do pretty much the same as she did.

I can’t figure out the same thought process for Thy Neighbor.

Pastor Zach (Nathan Clarkson) has it all. A great family with wife Amber (Jessica Koloian) and son Alex (Michael Johnson), a new church, a published book, and a podcast. But he sees saving people as a project, not a calling. So when he tries to get a man we only know as “neighbor” (Dave Payton) to come to church. He’s soon inviting this dark being into the world of his young family unit.

Everyone in this is flawed: Zach was once a violent man and has now become a prideful one, in love with the opportunities and perks of being a religious leader. Amber feels lost in his shadow and kind of likes it when the neighbor gets attention from her husband. And the neighbor, well, he does the Stephen Dorff moves, but he looks like if Golem was haunting your 7-11, playing the slot machines all day in back, emerging only to chug energy drinks and grab more chew when he isn’t begging for money, depending on how his gambling day is going. He’s no threat to Pastor Zach, looks or even conversation-wise; he seems like a cartoon villain inside the real world.

There’s something here beyond most faith movies, though. The filmmakers hid a toy car and a knocking sound every time we see the neighbor. His dialogue is at once frightening and builds sympathy for him, but he’s a cipher, someone who has a tragic past, or so it’s whispered. We never learn from the past. Yet it feels like Amber treats him as a faithful Christian should, while Zach is in it for the popularity. There’s an interesting message in there: it takes that faith concept and combines it with the strange-neighbor subgenre. 

Also: Big points for ending this not only on a downer note, but one that doesn’t give easy answers or give away what happens next. 

You can watch this on Tubi.