This shot-on-video martial-arts double feature from Joseph Lai and IFD Films unleashes pure 1980s ninja chaos as two unlikely heroes are dragged into a war over stolen germ-warfare secrets. Featuring disappearing ninja assassins, endless waves of thugs, criminal masterminds, insane effects and the mysterious hocus pocus magic fighting style. These are both full-tilt SOV insanity, delivering cult ninja action at maximum volume.

Also: I love that Godfrey Ho movies have songs in them from bands like Clan of Mymox, Jean Michel Jarre, Wendy Carlos, Joy Division and more.

Born a Ninja (some year between 1978 and 1987): Ninjas. “Life means nothing to them,” says Mister Tanaka, a man who shows up in this wearing an outfit like my dad in the mid-80s, a striped red polo and short shorts.

If you ask IFD what this Joe Law-directed and written movie is about, they’d say, “A Japanese scientist tries to conceal a deadly formula, but an undead ace and his ninja devils are determined to use it to cause mischief and mayhem. It is up to Lung, a master of the lost art of Hocus Pocus, to keep evil at bay and prevent mass destruction on a global scale.”

Sure, maybe.

IMDB lists the director as Chi Lo, who used the name Joe Law to make Crippled Masters and Lo Ke to direct Deadly Hands of Kung Fu.  Seeing as how this was produced by Joseph Lai and Betty Chan, all bets are off.

This flick is a Frankenstein of footage. It combines a Taiwanese TV show, another movie, actually called Born a Ninja, and the kind of dialogue that only occurs when a 1980s script is translated from Cantonese to English by someone who primarily speaks “American Action Movie Trailer.” It could also be Silent Killers. It could be Ninja Destroyer. It could be titled Breakfast with a Shuriken, and it would still be impossible to tell you what actually happened.

Let me try.

Mister Tanaka has a secret formula from World War II that could destroy the world. That much is true. Two women want the formula: Becky, who wears a yellow vest and Confederate-flag shorts. Still, I think that means she’s into late 70s and early 80s redneck trends in America a little too late as they move across the globe and this isn’t racist like my neighbor who wears short shorts and threw away all his kids toys after his wife left with the kids and also has a huge Southern Cross up on his garage wall despite being an Italian man in Southwestern Pennsylvania. Also, his fiancée’s last name is Gambino. She backed right into our car, and he came over in just a G-string to see if we were OK.

Did I go on a tangent?

Becky is joined by Brenda. She loves denim so much she’s rocking the full Canadian tuxedo while doing high kicks. They’re joined by Larry, a master of the hocus pocus style. This involves your everyday kung fu, supplemented by the ability to shoot fire from your fingertips. It’s the kind of martial arts I used to try in my backyard until my mom threatened to take away my bang snaps.

As for the bad guy ninja, that’s Meng Fei, who was also in the Ninja Death trilogy, Night Orchid, Everlasting Chivalry, The Sun Moon Legend and Middle Kingdom’s Mark of Blood. He’s pretty amazing in the last fight scene.

Anyways, Mister Tanaka keeps dreaming of dead people that were killed by this secret back in the war, and the secret is a mirrored mustache that you put on a devil mask. Then there’s a white ninja named David. He battles Larry in the woods—because all ninja battles must occur in a public park with visible power lines—before they decide to be best friends. They get a room, drink beer, and eat fried cabbage. Honestly? That’s the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen in an IFD production.

Or maybe that was the last movie? Have years of drinking, substances, and Godfrey Ho movies dulled my reason, and when confronted by this synth-scored shot on video, my mind just wanders between different martial worlds, unsure of all the things I’ve seen, all the ninja deaths I’ve felt as if they were my own? In truth, the only important thing is that ninjas can become straw men and that you can swallow a sword in the middle of a fight and live.

Music in this one includes Jerry Fielding’s soundtrack for The Gauntlet, the Ken Thorne score for The Protector and Roy Budd’s “Fb M15.” Check out the Letterboxd list of IFC music cues here, I’ve commented several times on it.

I do know one thing. When David sees Larry hanging out with the two ladies, he says, “Two chicks? You one animal!” That’s exactly how I felt watching this movie. I was an animal. A confused, beautiful, ninja-obsessed animal.

Commando the Ninja (1983): Also known as American Commando Ninja, IFD claims it was made by Joe Law. Really, who can tell you the truth? Who even knows how many titles this has, how much music it stole or what it’s about? Hocus pocus, as the sensei says at the beginning. It doesn’t have to make sense. Seeing as how this was produced by Joseph Lai and Betty Chan, all bets are off.

Jow Law is also Law Chi AKA Chi Lo, the director of The Crippled Masters, Deadly Hands of Kung Fu (using the name Lo Ke), Girl with Cat’s Eyes and Magic Swords.

This poster has nothing to do with the movie you’re about to watch. Who cares? You’re here, one assumes, for ninjas. Or commandos. Or Commando the Ninja.

In the world of 80s Hong Kong chop-socky cinema, truth is a relative term. Who knows how many titles this has? Who knows how many synth-pop tracks were borrowed from Tangerine Dream? Who even knows what’s going on?

IFD also lets us know what this should be about: “David, an up-coming young master of Ninjitsu, is recruited by his Master to steal the formula for a bacteriological weapon and to free the Japanese scientist who is responsible for developing it. He is pitted against two wily opponents: Mark, a KGB operative, and Martin, who are bent on using the formula in a bid for world domination. The fate of humanity is in the hands of David and a group of four surprisingly acrobatic young fighters.”

Is it? What is the sound of one hand clapping? If a ninja wears a bright neon headband in a forest of green, is he truly invisible?

Allow this koan to expand your reality.

The student asked, “Master, how can the hero fight the villain when they are never in the same frame together?”

The Master replied, “The sword that strikes in Taiwan draws blood in Hong Kong. The bridge between them is not made of stone, but of a 1984 Scotch tape splice.”

Look, all I know is that only a ninja can kill a ninja.

Extras include SD masters from original tape elements, Commando the Ninja commentary with Justin Decloux and Will Sloane of The Important Cinema Club, Born A Ninja commentary by Justin Decloux of The Important Cinema Club, The Essential Godfrey Ho and The Law Chi Touch video essays, an interview with Kwan Chung, an image gallery, trailers, two mini-posters, a reversible sleeve featuring original VHS art, a “Stick Your Own” VHS sticker set, a limited edition O-Card by Uncle Frank, a booklet with essay by ninja movie expert C.J. Lines and a Blu-ray sleeve featuring art by The Dude.

Holy fuck, this is everything. It’s more effort than went into the original filming of the movie, and I am 100% here for it. If you want to see a man in a red polo shirt talk about the futility of life before a white ninja eats fried cabbage, this is your Holy Grail.

I also have to call out how amazing the menus are on these releases. The arcade inspired one on this release is perfect and something few labels would put that much time and effort into making. Just another reason why you need to buy this.

You can get this from MVD.