31. “THE FINAL CHAPTER”: Last in a series… Get it?

Death Race: Beyond Anarchy is the most 2000s movie I have ever seen and I am astounded that it was made in 2018. It has people with rivet faces, distressed fonts everywhere, costumes that feel like they came from the back room of a Hot Topic in a forgotten box filled with JNCO jeans and Mudvayne shirts, a DMX song on the soundtrack right alongside nu metal, a vague anti-authority anti-jail plot that is never really explored, smoky eyeshadow for everyone, Danny Trejo double Dannying it up with Danny Glover (still too old for this shit 31 years after being too old for this shit in Lethal Weapon), Paul W.S. Anderson still writing movies (honestly, if you were married to Mila Jovovich would you be writing direct to video Death Race movies?), stuttery action with pauses before people attack, a strip club bar at the end of the world and yes, a sequel to the 2008 Death Race when there were already two other ones. You know that I bought the box set at WalMart.

Weyland International runs the Sprawl, a massive prison where Death Race — despite being illegal — is the most important thing in the world, a way of life that enables Frankenstein (Velislav Pavlov, voiced by Nolan North) to run the entire prison with his army of Slipknot fans. Even an army of cops can’t stop Frankenstein, who has his men chainsaw off a cop’s head and yells into the camera on the dead man’s helmet, telling the government and big business to send whoever they want.

A whole new bunch of prisoners are sent to the Sprawl and given silver dollars. That money is taken by Johnny Law (Nicholas Aaron) and his gang, who kill everyone but two ciphers: Connor Gibson (Zach McGowan) and Gipsy Rose (Yennis Cheung). She disappears, he is taken by a gang of women to meet Frankenstein and Buffalo Bob (Glover), who supplies the gasoline to the cars in Death Race. He also meets Jane (Christine Marzano), who will be the romance part of this movie.

Gipsy Rose qualifies for Death Race, as does Connor. Frankenstein reveals that he is Sergeant Connor Gibson, a special operative sent inside to kill him, and that puts everyone inside The Sprawl on him. Yet he will be in the Death Race alongside his navigator Bexie (Cassie Clare) while Frankenstein takes Jane with him for insurance.

They race against a field that includes Thin Lizzy (Neli Angelova), Matilda the Hun (Jasette Amos) — at least someone remembers the actual inspiration for this — Nazi Boy (Velizar Peev) and even a guy who is racing in what looks like a go kart. Johnny Law has a monster police truck and gets shot in the head and his vehicle blows up real good. Everyone does, leaving Frankenstein and Connor, but there are still a few turns before the end.

I know that Danny Trejo plays Goldberg, the same character he was in the last two movies. I have no idea what his deal is other than showing up in a bar, gambling and being around attractive women.

The character Lists (Fred Koehler) also returns.

Director Don Michael Paul is the sequel guy who made Jarhead 2: Field of Fire, Sniper: Legacy, Kindergarten Cop 2, Tremors 5: Bloodlines, Sniper: Ghost Shooter, Tremors: A Cold Day in Hell, The Scorpion King: Book of Souls, Jarhead: Law of Return, Bulletproof 2 and Tremors: Shrieker Island. Before he made movies, he was in Lovelines, Dangerously Close, Down Twisted and Rolling Vengeance.

That’s right, the guy who starred in a monster truck movie made one.