APRIL MOVIE THON 2: Simon Sez (1999)

April 17: Party Over, Whoops — Select a movie from 1999.

Kevin Alyn Elders directed three Iron Eagle movies before he decided that the world needed a Dennis Rodman solo adventure. Here, The Worm is Simon, an Interpol agent, and he made this movie because there was a basketball league lockout in 1989.

Robert Downey Jr. was in this for a few days and dropped out. He was replaced by Dane Cook which is the antonym of an upgrade. Go ahead. Look it up.

Written by Moshe Diamant (feardotcom), Rudy Cohen and Andrew Miller, this movie makes Double Team look like The Killer. Also: John Pinette plays a cyber monk named Brother Micro. There’s also a girl by the name of Claire Fence (Natalia Cigliuti)who is kidnapped but doesn’t know it that Cook is supposed to save, as well as an old enemy named The Dancer (Emma Wiklund from the Taxi movies) that wants to fight Simon again. Or have sex with him. Or have fight him while having sex. And an arms dealer named Ashton (Jerome Pradon) who is behind so much of this.

You know, I have no problem with athletes making movies. My love for Stone Cold is loud and repeated. But Rodman kind of snarl whispers every line and totally seems like he should be the villain in his own movie.

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