Titanic: The Legend Goes On (2000)

There are two versions of this movie for America and you know, that may be two too many. What child wants to watch more than 1,500 people lose their lives? I mean, well, me as a kid because my friend Bill and I built way too many Titanic model kits and used to also build model cities and have natural disasters destroy them and then record audio of dying people in their final moments begging to have their arms amputated. I was a weird kid and even as strange as I was, I would not have watched this movie.

The version I saw of this was 58 minutes with 12 minutes of credits showing deleted scenes instead of the 82-minute long version and I hesitate to learn what was on there.

The heroine is Angelica, the poor servant of a wicked stepmother and two stepsisters who is seeking her mother but only as a locket with a photo of her. Cinderella is on the Titanic and yes, she can speak to the many animals who are also on board. There is also singing.

There is also the ship sinking and mostly everyone dying.

I mean, this movie is at once a combination of Love Boat — many different plots come together like scheming women trying to take the money of rich men and a jewel thief being chased by a cop — and the most sub-Disney movie you’ve avoided at Goodwill because you thought that maybe it was a religious cartoon.

Yes, there’s an evil chihuahua, some dalmations straight out of 101 Dalmations, some Mexican and Yiddish mice straight out of An American Tale, geese, a bird named Hector and a dog named Fritz who has to be a time traveler because how else would be able to rap and completely take over this movie and do a song called “Party Time?” I’m perfectly fine with cartoon animals being able to walk like humans, wear clothes and have music numbers, but I draw the line at anachronism.

Yet more to the point, should children be watching cartoons where people have to choose to die over their loved ones or remain behind and die because of love? As people recorded those screams on the soundtrack as the ship sinks, did anyone in the booth say, “Why are we making this?”

Characters literally walk away from scenes right in the middle of conversations in this. It’s almost amazing the sheer lack of quality on every level and yet that makes me want to watch this all over again. Like how at one point, someone is trying to get an old lady on one of the lifeboats and says, “Come on miss, you’re the last one on this boat.” She answers, “Rubbish, we’re in the middle of the ocean.” What does that mean?

This had an American consulting writer, Jymn Magon, who also wrote A Goofy MovieThe Book of PoohAn All Dogs Chirstmas Carol and episodes of Duck TalesAdventures of the Gummi BearsChip ‘n’ Dale Rescue Rangers and Darkwing Duck. I really want to speak to Jymn and find out how this happened.

Let me tell you how: the Italy exploitation film industry.

Camillo Teti, who directed and wrote this movie, produced The Dead Are Alive!Exterminators of the Year 3000 and the Killer Crocodile movies. He also directed the very late in the cycle giallo The Killer Is Still Among Us, which is one of the sleaziest I’ve seen so just imagine. That’s the guy making a Titanic movie for kids. He also directed Yo-rhad, un amico dallo spazio, a sciene fiction cartoon that has Ornella Muti in the voice cast.

Speaking of voices, Edmund Purdom is in this.

Of course he is.

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