Christmas Twister (2016)

Casper Van Dien plays a meteorologist haunted by…oh man, just let me say it. I will honestly watch anything obviously. I mean a Christmas movie about a tornado with the star — such as it is — of Starship Troopers? I did it. I did it for you, like Rudolph in the foggy night trying to save Santa and the reindeer who had previously ignored him to the point that he decided to go die on an ice floe in a world of toys missing eyeballs and appendages. I did it like Frosty, trying to keep kids happy despite knowing that soon the Earth would suffer global warming and things like floods through New York City would soon become commonplace but fighting back icy tears and gamely putting on that stupid scarf and magic hat that’s tainted by the blood of a long-dead magician. I did it like a man ready to jump off a bridge because I lost all your money and wanted you to forget I ever lived because at their heart Christmas movies are dark and horrifying affairs as we scream into the sun and try to cling to a planet where gravity is the only thing keeping us from being launched out into the vast cold void of space.

So yeah, a tornado brings a family together and no one wants to believe that the Earth is changing and that things like tornadoes out of season can be a thing, so the one-time husband of Catherine Oxenberg, who is a legitimate princess — 3,936th in succession to be Queen of England no less — and a woman was once married to Robert Evans for nine days, can not only save people but save his family…at Christmas.

This was also called F6 Twister which is a horrible name and I’d never watch it because I’m a strange man and I like the idea of an act of God happening during the season of His Son’s Divine Birth and for some reason, Casper has fought tornadoes before in 500 MPG Storm and Fire Twister and why do I know this?

Did you know the F in F6 stands for the Fujita Scale? Now you do. Happy holidays.

Also — Creighton Duke shows up if you’re the kind of person who cares about those things and you know that I am.

Maybe I cried a little during this movie.

You can watch this on Tubi.

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