Satan’s Black Wedding (1976)

Man, the same Nick Millard that made this made Death Nurse? Because wow, this movie is everything my scuzzy dreams are looking for, from fuzzed out sound to priests who have been dead for years and nuns who had a vision of Satan and turned their backs on the church and vampires and yeah, this is a vision of the inside of my brain.

It’s like the not as accomplished sibling of Messiah of Evil, taking place in that same coastal universe, the same world where Dead and Buried and Halloween III are just up the next exit and not all that far away from Terror House and Warlock Moon.

The teeth and the blood are fake, the feel is real. I want to climb inside the darkness of this movie and take the longest, most fulfilling nap of my life, waking up to realize I still have two hours before the alarm goes off and just stretching out on a California king.

Mark comes home because his sister Nina has died, but he finds out she was making a book so vile that it still haunts a bookstore worker named Jean. Yeah, it haunts her so much that she and Mark break the narrative flow with the power of their lovemaking — where do you want to sleep, Dr. Challis indeed — but it’s 61 minutes that will make your life better, made by a man who constructed a crypt inside his garage.

“Whosoever believeth in him, shall have life everlasting in darkness. He is pleased with you, Nina. He called you daughter. Now you must complete the covenant. Every member of your family must die.”

All hail Nick Millard.

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