Kingdom of Var (2019)

I kind of love that this movie takes a page out of Driller Killer and demands that “This movie should be played loud.”

The spiraling narrative is all about Sonja, a college student who somehow has found a movie that is five hundred years old that contains the spirit of the demonic sorcerer Var, after which all hell breaks loose.

This was written and directed by Nicholas Kleban, who made several shorts before this movie. I kind of want to talk to Nicholas, because he somehow made a movie that has everything I hate about streaming movies and everything I love about low budget weirdness all in the same film.

I hate scenes that go nowhere. I love when drugs are done in every scene of a movie. I hate when people take scenes from old movies. Yet I kind of love that this film’s Bloodsucking Freaks/Blood Feast theater was basically located in a two or three-seat dinner theater. I hate found footage movies. I love that this movie has found footage from a half-millennium old VHS player.

I mean, it has a reference to Inferno and this astounding explanation for a plot: “After doing some research, she discovers it is allegedly a film from the year 1594, made by the time-traveling sorcerer Var who harvested film equipment from the future and imprinted his spirit onto a roll of celluloid, and watching the film will release him. After dismissing this as nonsense, the seemingly invincible Var appears before Sonja and begins relentlessly attacking her.” Who would come up with this?

I don’t think I can be relied upon to rate this movie on any scale other than to say that you should watch it and try to make sense of the plot along with me. Any movie that leaves you with this many questions has to be doing something right on some level.

You can watch this on Amazon Prime and Tubi.

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