Christmas Icetastrophe (2014)*

This disaster mockbuster that affectionately borrows from 2015’s San Andreas (trading out a meteor-cum-volcano induced ice storm for an earthquake induced flood) had me in the first act before the first commercial break.

That’s where we meet the Beavis-son of a heavy construction company owner (Victor Webster, Coop the Cupid on TV’s Charmed; he makes me think of Josh Brolin) blowing up a snowman with his Butthead buddy. At first, the way it’s shot, we think it’s the first sign of the devastation—the first bit of a meteor taking out a snowman.

“Dynamite is for avalanche control, it’s not a toy,” chastises Webster’s Charlie Ratchet to his son, Tim Rachet.

Now that’s screenwriting! They made me laugh out loud.

Oh, and Charlie Rachet’s jagoff (Pittsburghese for dickhead) boss’s name? Ben Crooge (Mike Dopud, the 2001 Rollerball remake and 2005’s White Noise with an ex-Batman). Oh, and not only does Charlie’s work life suck: he has an ex-wife (Boti Bliss, TV’s CSI: Miami). And now he has an icemageddon frosting his ass. Yeah, this is turning into the worst Christmas, ever.

Now how can you pass up a disaster romp that pinches a Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson disaster flick and Charles Dickens’s 1843 novella A Christmas Carol? I’m all in, Santa baby!

Olympia College grad student Alex Novak (Jennifer Spence, Dr. Lisa Park from Stargate Universe) tracks a meteor that splits in two and lands in the quaint town—of the Hallmark holiday movie variety—of Lennox, Washington (fictional; there’s a Mountain, but not an actual town by that name), outside of Olympia (although Seattle is actually closer to Lennox Mountain, but that’s picky plot piffle. Now who’s being the jagoff, here!).

Anyway, while the “red half” of the space rock hits Lennox and “flash freezes” the town during a Christmas celebration (where the town’s loveably gruff St. Nick shatters into pieces . . . they killed Santa!), the “blue half” hits the mountain and starts spewing, well, what I’ll call ice lava.

Oh, and about that “San Andreas”: It comes in with Mike Dopud’s Ben Crooge fleeing like a bitch at every turn, choosing flight over fight and letting Santa die and locking people out of rooms and letting them flash freeze (just like Ioan Gruffudd’s David Riddick character).

The Roger Corman-cultivated director behind this mindlessly fun, hokey ride (hey, so were the major studio romps Armageddon, The Day After Tomorrow, Deep Impact, San Andreas, 2012, and The Mist, a flick which this ice romp also pinches) is Jonathan Winfrey, a craftsman that’s no stranger to the video fringes and to the schlock hearts of the B&S Movies’ crew.

Winfrey’s long list of producer and assistant director credits include Lords of the Deep, Saturday the 14th Strikes Back, Sorority House Massacre II, The Terror Within, The Terror Within II, and his most high profile and most successful film: The Marine starring WWF star John Cena. So, with that street cred, Winfrey knows what we need and he delivers against the low-budgets. Mr. Corman taught him well.

The scribe behind this holiday romp is the prolific David Sanderson, a screenwriter and assistant director who specializes in SyFy Channel disaster mockbusters (e.g., Independence Daysaster, Collision Earth) and worked on the similarly holiday-themed disaster flicks Snowmageddon and The 12 Disasters of Christmas. (I haven’t seen them, but I’ll search them out and give the Sanderson globe a shake.)

But wait . . . what’s this, pray tell?

From Starcrash to this? God Bless, you Hoff. God bless, ya!

David Sanderson also worked on a David Hasselhoff Christmas movie? How is David DeCoteau or Fred Olen Ray (A Christmas Princess) not involved in a film where The Hoff is a . . . Christmas Consultant? What the . . . yes! It’s on TubiTV for free! Dang right Sam and I are watching that one! (UPDATE 4:00 pm: Sam took the Christmas gauntlet thrown down like a man and reviewed The Christmas Consultant. Read at your own peril. )

Oh, yeah. Phew. The Hoff scambled my mind. You can also watch Christmas Icetastrophe on TubiTV for free.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Enjoy the coal!

*No actual jetliners were destroyed in the making of this movie. Don’t be poster-duped.

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