EVEN MORE FUCKED UP FUTURES: Mad Warrior (1984)

Remember when I said, we’ll get to the sequel to W Is War in the future? The future is now. And in this future, everyone will ride a tricycle with armor and flames all over it.

After World War III, the planet is destroyed. But on an island in the Pacific, some survive in a fortified colony and are led by Maizon, a one-eyed cyborg bad guy who makes everyone fight in gladiator battles. Rex, our hero, tries to escape with his son, but he is caught and his son is killed. Oh yeah — Maizon also killed his father and wife, too!

Rhea helps him escape, taking him to the scientist colony Ophelos, where her father, Zeus, leads a peaceful people.

Let me tell you a few other things about Maizon. He often takes off his armor to reveal that his face is all scarred up. He can’t give up on his dream of seeing Rex’s blood stain the sands of his arena red. He has armies of gladiators ready to die for him. He raw dogs a black girl in the dirt while his entire army turns their back. And oh yeah. He’s a werewolf.

Look — any movie that starts with a two-minute long nuclear explosion set to disco music is going to be one that I grow obsessed by. This movie is bonkers. Every outfit is great. Every character is awesome. Every line of dialogue is unhinged.

There’s a scene where a gladiator salesman tells Maizon all about his gladiators that is full of wonderfully bad acting, sparklers and maniacal goofball laughter.

The final scenes of this movie are everything you want a film to be: explosions, tricycles, gladiator fights, machine guns, militaryesque hand signals, an army of dudes with mashed spiked mohawks, literally bad guys by the thousands getting mowed down by machine gun fire to the sounds of disco synth, people on fire, more explosions, a nice wood fence, a subterranean cave base, slow death reactions, leaping martial arts, axes, running, even more explosions, one hit kills, guns that shoot knives, a lightsabre duel, a bad guy blowing up real good, sparklers, a makeout session over the dead body of the previously mentioned bad guy and so much more.

The love interest closes the film by telling our hero, “You’re really crazy. Crazy like a mad warrior.” He rides his horse off into the sunset and I start screaming like a maniac. This movie. This movie!

Cult Action has this. I would advise getting it now and starting your own gladiator army!

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