Cassie Tate (Kyle Kankonde) and Jack Benson (Titus Makin Jr.) have finally moved past being engaged forever and living with a roommate — Greg Harmon (Charlie N. Townsend) — to finally deciding that it’s time to get married. Jack and Greg go out for a last night as bachelors, but they get in an argument over the fact that now Greg has to move out and find his own life. Jack never comes home and is missing when Cassie turns to Greg for comfort. Almost the very second that they finally start to make love, the police call. Jack has been found.

Jack remembers nothing about what happened and Greg helpfully says that he will keep living in the house and acting as his nurse. To say he goes too far with this — jumping in the shower to soap him down and slowly taking off his shirt first — is exactly why he’s my favorite bad guy that has ever been in a Tubi movie.

Directed by Sara Lohman (Hot Take: The Depp/Heard Trial), who co-wrote this with Amy Irons (Twisted Date), this movie is like a nightmare made for uptight straight people. Greg has no problem with never moving forward in his life and being tied to two people, their third wheel forever, while the supposedly bonded couple feels like they have no real passion the way that Greg does for both of them. He’s always happy, even when wiping out home care nurses. All he wants is to be loved. Is that so wrong?

Sure, he tried to kill his best friend and now basically manhandles him in the shower and takes advantage of him when he’s hurt. Yes, he’s the monstrous villain of this. However, like all great villains, he’s way more fun than anyone else in this movie. You want to see him be happy or at least live to be in a bunch of sequels.

You can watch this on Tubi.

This movie is about the syndicate. Is it the same syndicate that Olga worked for? Or is it something else? Well, it’s the Vogel Syndicate, but I kept yelling about the syndicate like the narrator in White Slaves of Chinatown.

You can watch this on Tubi.

“At a high end beach club, a female college lifeguard gets caught up in a secret affair with a wealthy housewife.”

Yeah, but there’s also a Beachwaters.com website, a giallo-style hidden killer, a Sliver love of filming people and a movie-ending fashion show that is as realistic as the Oscars from The Howling III.

Loved it.

Abby (Natalee Linez) is the new lifeguard, one of the few women surrounded by men, but taken in as just one of the guys as she’s a lesbian. Soon, she falls for Imani (Gina Vitori), the rich woman who has hired her to teach her how to swim, but come on, they swim for all of a minute before they’re making out, giving you flashbacks to the days when video stores had that adult but not porn section that you still had to be 18 to rent from but that you could maybe get away with if your significant other didn’t want you embarrassing them by walking out of the porn room curtain in front of everyone in town.

Every young lifeguard is being filmed as they act like, well, young people at a high end beach resort and rack up body counts before being part of this movie’s body count. They’re also all orphans with no next of kin, which means that when the rich and famous want to kill them, they have no one stopping them, investigating their crimes or wondering why the people who should save lives are all dying. Even the one cop in town is in on it.

Directed by Niki Koss and written by Mary Risk, this moves along fast enough and has a nice resolution. I’m always pleased that Tubi continues to be the mom and pop video store of today. And you don’t even have to worry about anyone seeing you rent a slightly dirty film.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Nina (Nicole Peters) is a barista who was originally going to school to be a lawyer before deciding that she didn’t like where her life was going. Now, however, she’s deep in debt and floating through life, keeping people like her regular hookup Curtis (Alexander Eling) at a distance. She’s the opposite — or so it seems — of her twin sister Victoria (Lauren Peters), who is a consultant about to marry the love of her life, Ryan (Theo Vandergraaf). Again, all things are not as they appear, as it turns out that Victoria is actually a high end call girl and she needs her sister to go on one last date for her, meeting the very rich David Linx (Shaun Benson). Of course, Nina breaks the first rule of this career, falling for her john, and probably the second, as she gets pulled into getting evidence on Linx, who is a criminal.

The Peters twins have been in A Simple Favor, playing the younger version of Blake Lively, being on the Team Canada water skiing team and participating in The Amazing Race Canada. They were also the Doublemint twins in the Pop-Tarts movie Unfrosted. They and Shaun Benson are the best parts of this film, as when it concentrates on their relationship, it’s really strong.

It falters when it comes to tone, as there are times when it wants to be grimy and realistic as well as others where it feels like a forced farce, particularly any scenes that involve the girls’ parents (Michèle Duquet and Stephen Sparks) or cousin Penelope (Blair MacMillan).

Of course, things take a turn when Linx’s partners start to come after him. Plus, relationship drama, as it just so happens that Nina’s lover Curtis works for him and he finds out that she’s his regular escort. At the same time, Victoria’s fiancee discovers where all his soon-to-be wife’s money comes from.

Directed by Karen Knox and written by Jen Bashian (Tubi Originals Frankie Meets Jack and Below Deck Deceit), this is a film within one of my favorite subgenres: the sex worker movie that never shows anyone really having sex. It’s a magical world of playing backgammon, getting necklaces and fancy dinners.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Katelyn Harken (Samantha Neyland Trumbo, the first black Miss Hawaii U.S.A.) has just started at the plastic surgery clinic run by Dr. Nichols (Helena Mattsson) and Dr. Peterson (Anthony Montgomery, General Hospital). From just about the beginning, things seem off, as former doctor Brad (Harry Jarvis) is trying to make a stink and Detective Elliot (Justin Chu Cary) is investigating a murder. We’re shown exactly what is going on when a woman’s face is being ripped off. So that leads to the question that I am sure that you are asking: Who is the Sinister Surgeon?

Katelyn has a strange career path, as her father was a famous heart surgeon and she was becoming one until he died, causing her to suddenly switch to plastic surgery. I’m not one to ask for realism in my erotic thrillers, but I don’t think that’s how it works.

That said, she soon makes a friend in front office assistant Lori (Alisa Allapach), who was a doctor before a car accident caused her to lose her eyesight on one side. She works in the clinic and even gets free surgery from Dr. Peterson. Speaking of the kindly doctor, it’s literally a day before he’s all over his new doctor. If she looks like his dead wife Alana — like all of his conquests, including murder victims Angel and Erica and patients Jennifer (Ashley London), Tracey (Shantel Jackson) and Sarah (Jordyn Rolling) — we wouldn’t have a movie otherwise.

Directed by Jonathan Louis Lewis (who directed Black Devil Doll using the name Jonathan Lewis) and written by Mary O’Neil (You Shouldn’t Have Let Me In) and James Quinn, this is a movie not content to have just one twist. It’s also one where every character makes the absolute dumbest decision every time they have an opportunity to and the real killer is easy to spot. That said, I was entertained, mainly because I kept yelling “Sinister Surgeon” at the screen every couple of seconds.

You can watch this on Tubi.

The TMZ crew is all back together –Harvey Levin, Charles Latibeaudiere, Fabian Garcia, Towanda Robinson. Katie Hayes and Eric Colley — yelling at one another and treating celebrities as if they are the most important thing in the world, just as you want them to.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye vs. Taylor Swift. The Rock vs. Vin Diesel. Drake vs. Meek Mill. Pete Davidson vs. PETA. The Jimmy Kimmel and Aaron Rodgers one feels pretty real, even if a lot of these other ones may not. Man, there are a lot of beefs, you know?

They made this before Drake’s Kendrick Lamar feud. Where’s the Tubi TMZ movie of that? They got that Donald Trump bullet to the ear one out fast. Where’s the important stuff? I need the TMZ crew to yell at each other and go deep into every lyric.

I am cursed to watch every Tubi Original and I am way behind. Please forgive me and the demons that have my soul under contract. I signed it in blood.

You can watch this on Tubi.

“I hate to say this, but dad’s fracking site may be a good thing this time.”

The Asylum sure loves disaster movies even if they never have the budget to pull it off.

Dr. Cami Weddle (Jessica Morris), a geologist named Dan (Quintin Mims) and her assistant and fiancee Finn (Canyon Prince) all believe that a faultline is about to split the United States in half worse than an election.

Her son Eric (Crew J. Morrow) and his girlfriend Brenda (Roxanne G.C. Brooks) are almost killed in a quake but saved by his mining father Alan (Chris Bruno), all while our heroine is arguing with her daughter Emily (Allison Gold), who wants to move in with dad. Yes, in the middle of this fault line split, there’s a family split in the Weddle household.

There really is a New Madrid Seismic Zone, even if it hasn’t had any quakes since the 1800s. But fracking has caused it to become dangerous and at the same time, all of this natural disaster death will bring back our married couple, unless a rival expert doesn’t nuke the fault. How would that fix anything?

Like every Asylum movie, a couple is on the outs, someone once made a mistake predicting another disaster, a governor (Alison Chace) is corrupt and pays for it with her life and the new fiancee just lets his love go, like a gender swapped Dr. Melissa Reeves.

Directed by Nick Lyon Writers and written by Gil Luna and Joe Roche, this ends in the cheesiest way possible and no one is really all that broken up about all the people who died. Bad relationships conquer all.

My wife asked me if I was reviewing this. I answered positively and she said, “I knew it. It sounds cheap. They couldn’t get good people for this.”

She should post reviews because they would be way meaner than mine.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Moira Cole (Shawnee Smith) lost nearly her entire family when her cousin Lee Morris went insane and killed them all, including her husband Dillon, donning the mask that has led to the media calling him the Skulleton. She tries to live her life afterward, but every October, another sequel to the slasher franchise made about her life story is released and reminds her of the horror that she barely endured.

Directed by Ante Novakovic and written by Anthony and James Gaudioso (who also appear in the film), this film shows how Skulleton survived, as he was rescued after being shot by Moria by his sister Sam (Taryn Manning) and has spent the last decade or more chained up in her basement, drugged out of his mind.

Moria’s sons Michael (Drew Moerlein) and Connor (James Gaudioso) have grown up alternately afraid and angry of the history of their family being known by everyone in the world. Their mother is still withdrawn but working through her emotions with therapist Dr. Lucien (Bruce Dern).

Meanwhile, as a new series of murders starts to happen, their family will have to deal with it all over again, as Detective Cyphers (Tyrese Gibson), Detective Fink (Kresh Novakovic) and James (Anthony Gaudioso) are asking questions.

This is an uneven film that starts with so much promise, feeling like Halloween, which is obvious, as well as Scream. The open is so good and the idea of processing the trauma of this family remains a great idea. However, this starts to crawl just when you want it to fly. I really wanted to love this and ended up barely enjoying it, which is a shame, because Smith is really good — even if she looks younger than her sons — and the killer looks intimidating if a bit too much Spirit Store.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Trinity (Stakiah Lynn Washington) goes by the name of Lady Bars and has dreamed of being a rapper since she was young. Working with her best friend Dante (Melvin Gray Jr.) as her producer, hype man and cheerleader, she finally gets to play her songs for her hero, Young Reckless (Terayle Hill). Sadly, she gets to perform on stage with him on the night that he dies.

Young Reckless’ label, Gold Volt Records, sees her video and watches it, as well as a video of her rapping the song “Sassy”, go viral and decide to add her to their artists, seemingly only to upset Ms. Halo (B. Simone), the label’s star rapper.

Trinity is living her dream, but it all seems like it could be a nightmare once she starts getting stalked and people around her start dying. Who is the giallo-style killer in the midst of the rap game? And is Trinity all good? Did she steal her songs? Or is she using Young Reckless’ lyrics that she found which were also stolen lyrics?

Directed and written by Michael A. Pinckney, this has every stereotype that you might expect, like a record label owner who is making millions but still likes to sell guns, a producer who falls in love with his latest star, an aging star who is mean at first but warms to the heroine and an ending that seemingly sets up a sequel.

That said, “Sassy” is a pretty good song, but I don’t know if I’d kill anyone if they stole it from me.

You can watch this on Tubi.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Jennifer Upton is an American (non-werewolf) writer/editor in London. She currently works as a freelance ghostwriter of personal memoirs and writes for several blogs on topics as diverse as film history, punk rock, women’s issues, and international politics. For links to her work, please visit https://www.jennuptonwriter.com or send her a Tweet @Jennxldn

Longlegs is a like the popular small-town cover band you liked in college.

The songs are passable from a technical standpoint but can’t hold a candle to the originals.

Let’s take a look at the hit parade:

Silence of the Lambs, I Saw the Devil, Cure, Zodiac, Lisa and the Devil, Twin Peaks and Exorcist III.

If you’ve seen those, you’ve seen every scene from this movie done better.

That’s not to say it’s all bad. Longlegs is a movie that looks great and does a decent job of convincing a large segment of the movie going public that it’s better than it is. Plus, you’ve got Nic Cage doing his best Bob from Twin Peaks in Marilyn Manson cosplay which is fine. But we never learn who he is, or where he came from or how he came to be the devil’s dollmaker in the first place. Ultimately, this film’s story as thin as a sheet of cheap toilet roll with unexplained plot points that go nowhere.

For example: How did the FBI track Nic’s character down at the bus stop? Well, that’s just one plot hole you’ll hopefully be drunk enough to ignore when you watch this film.

Don’t even get me started on the lead character, Special Agent Lee Harker. In what universe would a person who can’t make eye contact with anyone get through the rigorous training in Quantico?  No, putting her hair in a ponytail didn’t sell it for me. How did she break the coded letters? Well, she just did, okay? Why did the dollmaker like the band T-Rex? He just did. That’s what this movie is. A series of “She/he just dids.”

The more I think about it, the more this movie downright pisses me off.

There may come a time in the future when I feel bad for being so hard on it, but this is my first reaction.  Scarcely two hours post-credit roll and I’m furious that I bought into Longlegs’ excellent marketing campaign. They got my money. But they won’t get it again. I’d rather rewatch any of the films listed above instead.