Tainted (1998)

What if Kevin Smith introduced vampires into his 1994 debut breakthrough film, Clerks? Well, courtesy of that spare $35,000 in actor-writer Sean Farley’s pocket, we have our answer. Oh, and don’t be distributor duped: Troma didn’t bankroll or produce this: they only gave it a national release (beyond the film’s initial, self-distributed Midwest boarders) via the Tainted Vampire Collection, a DVD three-pack with the SOV-analogous Sucker the Vampire and Rockabilly Vampire. But this Michigan-lensed slacker vs. vamp fest is definitely more Lloyd Kaufman than Richard Linklater. It’s more Andy Milligan that Quentin Tarantino. It makes Don Dohler look like John Carpenter. And check the Sam Raimi comedy-horror mix at the door of the Evil Dead cabin, Sumerian demons be damned.

So. Is this a ripoff or homage to Smith?

Well, Clerks had a convenience store. Tainted has a video store. Clerks had the customer-abusing smart assery of video clerk Randal Graves and the less verbally-sharp convenience store jockey Dante Hicks. Tainted has the customer-abusing smart assery of video clerk J.T. (actor-writer Sean Farley) and the less verbally-sharp clerkin’ sidekick with Ryan. All Randal and Dante wanted to do was play hockey on the roof. All J.T. and Ryan want to do is go to a midnight-moving screening of Bladerunner*. And like Randal and Dante, J.T. and Ryan slack off and yakity-yak riff on each other all day long. Smith had $7,500 less-in-his-pocket than Farley. And Clerks was shot on an Arri SR camera running 16mm black and white. Farley shot in color on video.

Yeah, uh, we’re not in the View Askewiverse anymore, Antie Em. For this ain’t Blade. This ain’t Near Dark. For you’ve just clicked your heels into the Ed Wood Plan Niniverse, Dorothy.

You ever have one of those co-workers who rat-a-tat bulldozers their way through conversations with a faux-poignancy, so impressed with themselves and opinions and, with each jaw-hinging, you’re hit with their pretentious-tainted and substance-void breaths? And you just want to punch them in their trite-spewing face, then cram a Tic-Tac down their throat — in lieu of doing them the “favor” they just asked for?

That’s J.T.

And J.T. and his he-makes-me-seem-more-important sidekick Ryan are stranded after hours at The Video Zone (actually Detroit’s Thomas Video) when their ride punks out — and there’s nothing of more importance in this world than making that Bladerunner showing. So, as any self-centered I-could-give-a-shite-about-you personality would do: the slacker-duo beg a ride from the new clerk, Alex (Dean Chekvala). Oh, and unbeknownst to our two Clerks-clone: Alex is a vampire. And so is Aida, Alex’s girlfriend. And when Alex’s car breaks down (natch), they hoof it to Aida’s house — and find her staked by local sociopath vampire Slain, who’s intent on tainting the local plasma supply and hoarding all the clean corpuscles for his own fangs. And, with that, Alex recruits Randal and Dante J.T. and Ryan on a low-budget, hallucinogenic journey across the “D” to foil Slain’s insane plan. And J.T. and Ryan, for once, have to care for something bigger than their Seinfeld-nothingness selves (sorry, Sam!).

Granted, Tainted is surely an interesting, fresh take on the played-out vampire vs. vampire genre, but if this had only nixed the vampires and stuck to being a low-budget tale about two (or three) carless losers on a Homeresque odyssey across Detroit (say, like Adam Rifkin’s pretty-darn-cool coming of age get-to-the-Kiss-concert-at-any-costs teen comedy Detroit Rock City) to get to that Bladeunner midnight movie showing, we’d be onto something. But $35,000 does not a (good) vampire flick make. And Farley is off the vanity calling-card rails with his purposeful, spotlight dialog-diatribes. Yeah, it’s intelligent at times, but the “snappiness” simply runs-on (and on) way too long — like some of the shots in the film (including “shakey cams”!) — and quickly transitions from a cut-’em-some-slack-because-it’s-an-SOV-and-they’re-trying quaint blood sucker to being just plain annoying. And in a closing twist that would send Sam on a Shirley Doe-killing spree across Lawrenceville, we have the longest-running set of end credits (to pad that running time) in horror film history.

In a cool, ironic twist: Dean Chekvala kept on thespin’ away (he’s actually very good here) and worked his way up to guest-starring roles on TV’s Num3bers, the NCIS franchise, and Without a Trace to a recurring role on HBO’s True Blood. Sam Raimi junkies may recognize Sean Farley from his work on Raimi’s failed post-Evil Dead work, Crimewave (1985), but he’s since retired from the biz. Director Brian Evans hasn’t directed, lensed, or edited a film since, but he’s carved (sorry) himself a commendable, behind-the-scenes career on a wide variety of direct-to-video flicks, feature films, and network television series.

There’s no trailer or clips available, but you can watch the full film on You Tube.

About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook. He also writes for B&S About Movies.

* We had a post-apoc blowout back in September 2019, so do check out our two-part “Atomic Dustbin” catch-all overview of the genre that also features links to all of our film reviews.

Blade (1998)

Say what you will about its CGI today, but if we didn’t have 1998’s Blade, we may have no Marvel Cinematic Universe. Let me tell you, there was probably no cooler hero than Wesley Snipes at this point in time. Ah, it’s still pretty rad today.

New Line almost made this movie as a comedy, but after Snipes couldn’t get Black Panther made, he was able to get the main role in this one. To me, the best part of the film is the relationship between Whistler (Kris Kristofferson) and Blade, but I’d still be interested to see what it would have been like if Patrick McGoohan or Marc Singer had taken the role.

As for the main bad guy, Deacon Frost, Jet Li, Mark Wahlberg and Skeet Ulrich were all up for the role, but it belongs to Stephen Dorff. You kind of have to respect a bad guy so evil that he keeps the hero’s mother a vampire for decades.

Actually, all of the vampires are great here, even in the minor roles for Donal Logue, Udo Kier (who has been in the vampire films Blood for DraculaSpermulaDie Einsteiger, Modern Vampires, Shadow of the Vampire, Dracula 3000 and Bloodrayne) and Traci Lords. Director Stephen Norrington (The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) was supposed to play Morbius the Living Vampire, but the part was cut.

N’Bushe Wright also makes a great partner for our hero as Dr. Karen Jenson, as she works to determine a cure for Blade’s vampirism. But hey — he’s the Daywalker. He pretty much will always be a vampire determined to kill all the others.

How cool is it that Marvel’s first big movie success came from a side character from the 1970’s Marv Wolfman and Gene Colan The Tomb of Dracula series? Sadly, while those creators got a “based on characters created by” credit, they didn’t make any extra money. Such is how comics has always screwed creators.

The Faculty (1998)

David Wechter (The Malibu Bikini ShopMidnight Madness) and Bruce Kimmel (The Creature Wasn’t Nice) wrote their first draft of this film eight years before it was made. The success of Scream led to Miramax bringing Kevin Williamson on board to rewrite the dialogue and Robert Rodriguez to direct.

The result is a very hip for the 90’s remix of Invasion of the Body Snatchers that stars plenty of gorgeous teen actors like Elijah Wood, Usher, Josh Hartnett, Clea Duvall and Jordana Brewster.

The teachers are all taken over by the time the movie begins. Coach Joe (Robert Patrick), Miss Burke (Famke Janssen), Principal Drake (Bebe Neuwirth), Mrs. Olson (Piper Laurie), Mr. Fulong (Jon Stewart) and even Nurse Harper (Salma Hayek) are all soon transformed into the carriers of a “cephalopod-specific parasite called a mesozoan.”

Becca remembers that when this movie came out that it was part of a Tommy Hilfinger promotion, even featuring a character named Venus who was only in the commercials and the clothing promos. Whatever it takes to get your movie made.

There’s also a scene that’s a homage to Carpenter’s The Thing, but this time involving doing drugs. Another interesting thing is that each of the teens has a counterpart in The Breakfast Club. Stan (Shawn Hatosy) is Emilio Estevez’s jock character Andrew Clark, Delilah (Brewster) is Molly Ringwald’s Claire Standish, Zeke (Hartnett) is Judd Nelson’s John Bender, Stokes (DuVall) is Ally Sheedy’s Allison Reynolds and Casey is obviously Anthony Michael Hall’s Brian Johnson. So who is Marybeth (Laura Harris)? Do you want me to spoil the movie for you?

Urban Legend (1998)

Of all the 90’s and 00’s sequels we’ve covered this week, I’d say the first two Urban Legend films were the best. Admittedly, that’s a low bar to trip over. But at their heart, they have more in common with the giallo than making fun of the formula of slashers.

I have a fondness for urban legends, as I was obsessed by the books of folklorist Jan Harold Brunvand, from whom I learned that so many of the stories that came by way of a friend of a friend weren’t true and merely our way of moving legends of the past into the modern era.

This film was written by the late Silvio Horta, who was still working as a perfume spritzer at Nordstrom while he was trying to get into Hollywood. He’d eventually be the head writer and executive producer on Ugly Betty, the American version of the telenovela Yo Soy Betty, La Fea.

The film starts with the “The Killer In the Backseat” coming true as Michelle (Natasha Gregson Wagner) is murdered, despite the best efforts of a Brad Dourif cameo as he tries to warn her. While that’s happening, Paul (Jared Leto), Parker (Michael Rosenbaum),  Natalie (Alicia Witt) and Brenda (Rebecca Gayheart) are discussing a variant of the “Hatchet Man,” which in this movie is all about a series of murders that happened in their school’s Stanley Hall.

Michelle’s murder is quickly hushed up by Dean Adams (John Neville, The Adventures of Baron Munchausen) and security officer Reese Wilson (Loretta Devine), Damon (Joshua Jackson) tries to console Natalie, who is disturbed by the murders, but after she rejects his attempt to aardvarking, he’s killed outside the car. All she knows is that he never comes back, just like “The Boyfriend’s Death.”

Danielle Harris shows up as Natalie’s roommate Tosh, who spends much of the movie flimp-flopping before she’s murdered and a note is left behind, which is “The Roommate’s Death.” That’s when Natalie tells Brenda that Michelle and she were once close, but caused an accident after driving without their headlights and chasing the first person who flashed their brights — a long-standing “gang initiation” urban legend. while that’s happening, Paul discovers that Stanley Hall was real and only one person survived: Professor Wexler (Robert Englund), who has already spoke about urban legends with the students, showing them how the Pop Rocks and soda story didn’t murder Little Mikey.

After “The Slasher Under the Car” takes out the dean — oh yes, I forgot “Bloody Mary” was used as well — we also get the “Love Rollercoaster” death story (as Tara Reid’s character Sasha is murdered while doing her radio show), “The Microwaved Pet” and stories of kidneys being stolen while their owner is still alive. By the end, the murders in this movie have taken on a life of their own and thus, become urban legend.

Director Jamie Blanks wanted to make I Know What You Did Last Summer that he directed a mock trailer for the project. After losing out, he made this film as well as Valentine, which is another very, very late to the game slasher that is way better than you’d think. He also made the remake of Long Weekend. It was scored by Christopher Young, who also did the music for The Dorm That Dripped Blood, HellraiserTrick or TreatThe GiftThe GrudgeDrag Me to HellSinister and many more movies.

If the school in this movie looks familiar, that’s because it was also the setting for Killer Party. It’s the University of Toronto, in case you were wondering. If you look closely at the Latin motto of the school, it translates as “The Best Friend Did It,” which makes sense at the end of this movie, which has a well-done closing.

You can get this on blu ray from Shout! Factory.

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998)

Written by Trey Callaway instead of Kevin Williamson (who was busy with writing  Dawson’s Creek, The Faculty, Halloween H20 and Scream 3 while directing Teaching Mrs. Tingle), this sequel takes the survivors of the first film — Julie (Jennifer Love Hewitt) and Ray (Freddie Prinze Jr.) — and places their relationship in peril with Julie away at college and their lives all over again when her roommate Karla (Brandy) wins a vacation to Bahamas, despite getting the trivia question wrong.

If you think, hey, this is all a trap, now you know why a hook handed killer has never menaced your life. At least I hope.

This film has more in common with the inspiration for Lois Duncan’s original I Know What You Did Last Summer, as a new boy comes between everyone. That woudl either be Will (Matthew Settle) or Tyrell (Mekhi Phifer).

The funniest part of this for me is that Jack Black has a cameo — before Jack Black became a thing — as a stoner that works on the vacation island. His part is every drug reference in movies ever, a totally unbelievable part, all played by someone who would soon be on the A-list. Speaking of cameos, look, there’s Jeffrey Combs! And hey! They’re watching Curse of the Demon, making you wish you could shut this movie off and watch that superior movie!

Somehow, director Danny Cannon was still permitted to make movies after Judge Dredd. He’d follow this film — which was a big success — with work on CSIGotham and Pennyworth.

This is also one of three — maybe four — movies that i watched over this young adult week where someone was trapped inside a tanning bed. How did this trope show up in so many films? Who was first? Man, now I have something new to write about.

The Werewolf Reborn (1998)

Teenager Eleanor Crane goes to visit her uncle Peter in a remote Eastern European village, and receives an unexpectedly cold welcome from the villagers, who are plagued by a deadly curse. That’s because Peter just so happens to be a werewolf.

Director Jeff Burr had plans to make an entire series of movies based on the Universal monster films, with only this movie and Frankenstein Reborn ever getting made. However, there were posters designed for the Dracula and Mummy installments, as Full Moon wanted an entire series they were going to call Filmonsters!

Burr would also co-direct Mil Mascaras vs. the Aztec Mummy and direct the fourth and fifth Puppet Master films, as well as Pumpkinhead II: Blood WingsLeatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III and Stepfather II. Plus, he was also the director for From a Whisper to a Scream.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Six Days, Seven Nights (1998)

Yes, Ivan Reitman, the same man who made Meatballs, made this movie.

What can I say nice about it?

Harrison Ford did all his own flying?

That this was shot on the same island as the 1976 King Kong?

Temuera Morrison and Ford are in this movie yet never meet in any of the Star Wars movies?

Umm…

Robin Monroe (Anne Heche) is a New York fashion editor whose boyfriend Frank (David Schwimmer) takes her on a South Pacific vacation, but the plane of Quinn Harris (Harrison Ford) crashes and hijinks, as I always say, ensue.

Sometimes, I watch movies like this just to make my wife happy. It makes me wonder what she sees in me, you know? I’m such a horrible grump, sitting here writing about movies that I don’t even care about while she watches true crime shows and I hope I’m doing the best that I can in this marriage.

Originally, the film was intended to make Anne Heche into a sex symbol. After she showed up on a red carpet with Ellen DeGeneres, Touchstone Pictures fired her, but Harrison Ford got her hired back.

A Night at the Roxbury (1998)

Saturday Night Live regulars Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan, Molly Shannon, Mark McKinney and Colin Quinn all came together to try and make a movie out of what had once been, until now, a five-minute sketch about two guys dancing to Haddaway’s “What Is Love.”

John Fortenberry has been an editor for eight years at producer Lorne Michaels’ Broadway Video before making this film.

Steve and Doug Butabi (Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan) are two brothers who spend most of their lives dancing, getting rejected and trying to get into the Roxbury, a famous Los Angeles nightclub.

It may be a simple film, but a great cast is along for the ride, like Loni Anderson and Dan Hedaya as their parents, plus Dwayne Hickman (Dobie Gillis!), Richard Grieco, Jennifer Coolidge (who was in nearly early late 90’s comedy, it seems), Michael Clarke Duncan and Chazz Palminteri.

In his book Baby, Don’t Hurt Me, Kattan claimed that he was pressured by producer Lorne Michaels to have sex with Amy Heckerling so that she would direct the film. He must have held out, because she only produced it.

That said, Kattan also claims that Will Ferrell didn’t speak to him again until the 23rd season of Saturday Night Live due to his relationship with Heckerling. Kattan alleged that Ferrell said “I got all your messages, but I didn’t call you back because I didn’t want to talk to you.”

Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. (1998)

Back in 1998, before the Marvel Cinematic Universe was a thing, the best Nick Fury could rate as a TV movie on the Fox Network. And playing the man who put together the Avengers? Oh, you know. David Hasselhoff.

Written by David S. Goyer, who also worked on the Blade and Dark Knight films, and directed by Rod Hardy (who also remade High Noon), this is a blast from Marvel’s past that they hope you don’t remember.

The film concerns Nick Fury coming out of retirement to battle Hydra and the daughter of Wolfgang Von Strucker (Sandra Hess, Sonya Blade from Mortal Kombat: Annihilation). Lisa Rinna shows up as Val, Fury’s one-time love and our hero also meets back up with old friends Dum-Dum Dugan and Gabriel Jones.

The actual Jim Steranko-written and drawn Nick Fury series takes the Eurospy genre and makes it even more cinematic and exciting on the comic book page. I’ve always had the dream that someday, someone would try and make something of these stories.

This would not be it.

That said, Hasselhoff is actually pretty good in this. The Agents of SHIELD almost had a Cannon film, but have done pretty well with their ABC series that ties into the movies. It just wasn’t the right time back in the mid-90’s.

 

The Night Caller (1998)

Sometimes, those stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame align.

Courtesy of B&S About Movies’ recent obsession with Christmas movies written and directed by David DeCoteau and Fred Olen Ray—some of which starred Eric Roberts—colliding with our recent flurry of reviewing radio broadcasting-set films—one of which starred Eric Roberts (Power 98)—careening off our recent “Ape Week” homage to the Planet of the Apes franchise, it brings us to this moment: a review of the debut screenplay by Mark Bomback, the producer and screenwriter behind Dawn of the Planet of the Apes and War for the Planet of the Apes.

Like David Mickey Evans before him: every screenwriter has to start somewhere. Before Evans got to Radio Flyer (1990) and The Sandlot (1993), he had to write, yes, the radio-psycho romp, Open House (1987). For Mark Bomback, his start in the business was writing a direct-to-video damsel-in-distress vanity flick produced by American television actress Shanna Reed (CBS-TV’s Major Dad).

Watch the trailer.

Needless to say, one’s first impression of The Night Caller is that it’s a variant of Clint Eastwood’s Play Misty for Me—only with Tracy Nelson (NBC-TV’s Father Dowling Mysteries, the “female” Jerry Seinfeld in the “The Cartoon” episode) in the role played by Jessica Walter. Only Nelson’s Beth Needham isn’t a spurned one night stand who transforms into a flat-out crazy bitch; the character is a bit more twisted and prone to psycho-visions and voices and suffers with an unhealthy co-dependency on her mother, so she’s more like Norman Bates.

However, as I re-watch The Night Caller all these years later, I can’t help but think that Stephen King’s Misery (1990) served as an influence, with James Cann’s famed novelist Paul Sheldon traded out for Shanna Reed’s Dr. Drew-inspired radio psychologist. Once you hear Nelson’s wholesome rants-mixture of horror and dark comedy with the epithets of “baboon butt, “snoopy poopy,” and “bossy the cow,” and her singing goofy, nonsequential songs about “peanuts up your nose,” you’ll understand the connection.

Do not, however, let the fact that this radio-psycho variant went straight-to-video and aired on Showtime leaving you to think The Night Caller is inferior to the bigger-budgeted, theatrically released Psycho, Play Misty for Me, Misery, or Hand that Rocks the Cradle. Tracy Nelson tears this movie up, giving us an amazing performance that equals and exceeds the psycho interpretations of Anthony Perkins, Jessica Walter, Kathy Bates, and Rebecca De Mornay. Nelson single-handedly saves what would have otherwise been just another run-of-the-mill Lifetime-inspired damsel-in-distress romp.

Nelson’s Beth Needham is a childish, socially-repressed and friendless, thirty-something convenience store nightshift clerk who spends the days taking care of her bed-ridden, verbally abusive mother (TV actress Eve Sigall in a bravo performance) who blames Beth for her own sexual abuse at the hands of her late father. Beth finds solace in the late night musings of Dr. Lindsay Roland on the air of San Diego’s KBEX radio—her obsession brimming with lesbian tendencies. (If this was produced as an R-rated theatrical, that sexual dynamic may have been more deeply explored; so here, it’s just insinuated.) So deep is Beth’s obsession—in bed she fawns over Dr. Roland’s picture in the newspaper—she’s prone to seeing visions of the radio shrink as a glowing, white-adorned advice-granting angel.

One night, when Beth musters the courage to call into the show to tell of her plight, Beth takes the good doctor’s encouragement to “make changes” and to “plant the seeds” of friendship, literally.

Before you know it, Beth threatens her boss with a knife, quits her job, and murders her mother—and “pickles” her hands in mason jars. But those angelic visions and advice aren’t enough: it’s time to “plant the seeds.” Beth’s stalking leads her to apply for a job with the answering service used by the radio station—and Beth’s kills the woman who got the job. Then Beth’s knocking off babysitters, answering service coworkers, and radio station employees—with it culminating in her kidnapping Dr. Roland and taking her on a motorhome road trip to their “new shiny, start” so they can live like “Thelma and Louise.”

As far as the problems with the technical accuracy of radio stations in film, “KBEX San Diego” gets a pass.

That’s because The Night Caller isn’t about Shanna Reed’s good doctor: it’s all about Tracy Nelson’s tour-de-force and her psyche. As result, there’s no need for any scenes of Dr. Roland’s day-to-day toiling at the radio station or any broadcasting expositional dialog with station managers, etc. And since there’s no “thank you” in the credits to any particular radio station or technical credits, the “radio studio” is a cost-effective build (set design) with a microphone boom screwed into a table top; slap a set of headphones on Shanna Reed and have her punch a couple buttons on a wired-up Telos phone board—and “shoot it tight” and in the shadows—and POOF, you have a radio studio on a budget.

While The Night Caller was released in 1998 on both VHS and DVD in the overseas-international marketplace, it was never released on DVD in the United States. So be wary of those online DVDs and know your regions, and watch out for those grey market DVD-Rs before you buy. None of the online content delivery services, such as TubiTV or Vudu, are streaming The Night Caller. Amazon Prime had it, but lost their rights to it. So you’ll have to settle for a really clean VHS upload on You Tube.

About the Author: You can read the music and film reviews of R.D Francis on Medium and learn more about his work on Facebook. He also writes for B&S Movies.