Directed by Tom Holland, who wrote the script alongside James Tugend and Steven Dodd, “Four-Sided Triangle” is based on a story in Shock SuspenStories #17 that was written by Al Felder and William Gaines and drawn by Jack Kamen.

“She loves me; she loves me not. She loves me; she loves me not. Ah! What do flowers know about love anyway? Well, hello there boils and ghouls. Just getting in the mood for tonight’s tawdry tale a story of love and lurid lust in the dust. Sure to arouse the sickies amongst you to some heavy breathing. A tale I call “Four-Sided Triangle.”

George Yates (Chelcie Ross) caught Mary Jo (Patricia Arquette) robbing a store and has kept her a prisoner on the farm he owns with his wife Luisa (Susan Blommaert) as their slave. He harasses Mary Jo while his wife beats her with a cane. One day, while he’s trying to get Mary Jo to allow him to touch her, he ends up beating her with a bottle. The head injury she sustains causes her to hallucinate and believe that the clown-masked scarecrow in the field is her lover.

The injury has caused her to keep believing that the scarecrow loves her. Luisa mentions that they now have her for life, which makes George think that he can do whatever he wants to her. He also gets the bright idea to dress like the scarecrow, a plan that ends up destroying the evil scheme once and for all.

I really enjoyed this chapter. After all, Holland is an expert at telling horror stories.

“I always wanted to play guitar but I could never quite master the fingering. So I won’t be a rock star. I’ll just have to settle for being a shock star. My groupies. Tonight’s little riff is rife with sex, death and rock and roll. Now, that’s entertainment! You’ll meet a putrefied promoter of pop with an ear for a hit. I don’t want to kill it for you. Let’s just say we come into the story just when his career is getting real hot!”

Directed by Jeffrey Price (the writer of Who Framed Roger Rabbit?; this was his only directorial job), who wrote this episode along with Peter S. Seaman (who wrote Wild Wild West, Shrek The Third and How the Grinch Stole Christmas with Price) and Steven Dodd, this is the tale of Marty Slash (Lee Arenberg), a promoter who runs off with all the money from a charity concert only to be blackmailed by a banker by the name of Ms. Kilbasser (Katey Segal) while fighting the voice in his head (Sam Kinison).

It also has Iggy Pop in it, which is fun. I wonder if Katey Segal wondered if she would be in any more projects with Sam after doing Married With Children with him just five months before filming this.

This is based on the story of the same name from Shock SuspenStories #15. It was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Reed Crandall. That story has no rock promoter but everything else is similar.

“Eye of newt, bladder of cobra, and whisker of a rat. Oh! Hi, kiddies. I was just rustling up a sickening snack for a ghastly guest. Let’s see. I need the blood of a sacrificed goat. Whoops! It’s got to be a virgin goat. Guess you’re off the hook, Nellie. Tonight’s story is about a different kind of sacrifice: A sacrifice… made for love.”

Insurance agent James (Kevin Kilner) meets Gloria Fielding (Kim Delaney) to talk about her husband’s policy. This soon turns into him tossing that man, Sebastian (Don Hood) off a balcony for love. Or lust. Or the usual mix that motivates so many in these Tales from the Crypt episodes. The bad part, beyond murder, is that his boss Jerry (Michael Ironside) has been stalking Gloria for years as she’s his ex-girlfriend. In exchange for not going to the law, he starts getting Gloria whenever he wants. But maybe, just maybe, there’s a plan that James doesn’t know about.

Directed by Richard Greenberg (Little Monsters) and written by Steven Dodd and Ross Thomas (who wrote the book that St. Ives is made from), this is as much a film noir as a horror story.

This episode is based on “The Sacrifice” from Shock SuspenStories #10. It was written by Al Felder and Willam Gaines and drawn by Jack Kamen.

Directed and written by Fred Dekker, “The Thing from the Grave” starts happy when centerfold model Stacy (Teri Hatcher) and photographer Devlin Cates (Kyle Secor) fall in love. It doesn’t stay that way because her stalker ex Mitch Bruckner (Miguel Ferrer) kills him.

Crypt Keeper?

“Oops! Looks like you caught the old Crypt Keeper checking out one of his ghoulie magazines. Which gives you a little hint about tonight’s dead-time story. It’s all about the way some guys just die over a pretty girl. But don’t worry kiddies, if it starts to reek a little of rotten romance I think the title of our nasty narrative makes no bones about where it’s heart is really at. I call it “The Thing From the Grave.”

“The Thing from the Grave” is from Tales from the Crypt #22 and was written by Al Feldstein and William M. Gaines and drawn by Al Feldstein.

This has one of the craziest images in the show, as the undead Devlin pulls Mitch into the grave and buries them both. It’s also the first of three appearances by the sadly gone Ferrer would make on the show.

Directed by David Burton Morris, who wrote the story with Steven Dodd and Kim Steven Ketelsen, “Three’s a Crowd” is based on the story of the same title from Shock SuspenStories #11, which was written by William Gaines and Al Feldstein and drawn by Jack Kamen.

“Hello, party animals. Are you ready to bop till you drop? Dead, that is. Tonight, I’ve chosen a fiendish little tale from my hold of moldy oldies. We’ve been invited to an anniversary celebration of holy deadlock. You know, to love and to perish; for richer, for horror; in sickness and in stealth; till death do us part. This is one anniversary the husband will never forget.”

Richard (Gavan O’Herlihy, Death Wish 3) and Della (Ruth de Sosa) get invited to a cabin — the same one from The Great Outdoors — owned by their best man (Paul Lieber), but he’s sure that his wife is having an affair. They’re keeping a big secret from him. Want to know what it is? It’s his birthday. She also has another thing she’s not telling her husband. She’s pregnant with his baby.

Too bad he killed both of them.

Sometimes, this show can get pretty dark. At least the Crypt Keeper gets to wear a party hat.

“Ah! Welcome to my cozy crypt. Have I got a story for you! A tacky, tropical tale of love and lust, greed and ghouls, and my personal favorite – death! But I’m warning you, it’s not a pretty picture. So, pack up your passport and prepare for this torrid tale of putrification in paradise. I’m sure you’ll find it appealing.”

If you’re going to get a love potion to win over someone that doesn’t love you, don’t ask your ex-girlfriend voodoo queen to do it.

Logan Andrews (D.W. Moffett) once was with Psyche (Janet Hubert), the voodoo woman whose family’s land he stole. Now he’s in love with Margaret Richardson (Pamela Gien) but she’s not interested. That’s why he needs some help. Psyche says, “One drop and she will be your wife but two drops and she will be yours for life.”

Logan treats this magic like I do edibles and when it doesn’t seem to take right away, he gives her more. That’s how you end up screaming into a TV set, sure that you’re going to die. At least from drugs. Here, Margaret croaks — well, Psyche does have a doll of her — and professes her undying love before she, you know, died.

Happily, she comes back from the dead but she’s starting to rot. Not even killing himself will get Logan away from her, as Psyche has cursed him to be chased by a skeleton that wants to have sex with him for the rest of his life. Or forever. Probably forever, right?

Directed by Chris Walas (the director of The Fly II and The Vagrant, as well as a special effects expert) and written by Jeri Barchilon and Steven Dodd, this is a quick and grisly outing.

It’s based on the story “Till Death” from The Vault of Horror #28, which was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Johnny Craig.

“Cutting Cards!” is from Tales From the Crypt #32 and was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Fred Peters.

Directed by Walter Hill, this episode is exactly the episode I love from this show.

Reno (Lance Henriksen) and Sam (Kevin Tighe) are a pair of hardcore gamblers who don’t play for fun. They literally put their bodies on the line to try and destroy each other at a variety of games, ending up in a hospital barely alive and still trying to win.

It’s simple but sometimes simple is what you want.

Roy Brocksmith, who was also in the last episode, plays a bartender. He was in three episodes of the show.

Seriously, this episode is so good that when another is bad, it actually upsets me. This is the promise that this show had. Two actors going all out, just like their characters, trying to kill it no matter what it takes.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has only directed two projects: the TV movie Christmas In Connecticut and this episode. It’s based on “The Switch” from Tales from the Crypt #45, written by Carl Wessler and drawn by Graham Ingels. Strangely, this is the first story from the actual Tales from the Crypt comic book to be adapted for the show.

It’s a simple little parable. A rich elderly bachelor named Carlton Webster (William Hickey) wants to impress Linda (Kelly Preston) by switching his body with Hands, who is a more vital younger man (Rick Rossovich). Tey being young again turns out to be very expensive. And is she looking for looks or — shudder — money?

The Crypt Keeper even gets interrupted by Arnold in this!

Crypt Keeper: “Welcome horror hooligans, this is your shiver chef. It’s disgusting what people will do to stay young.”

Arnold: What’s the matter with you? Want to keep that 90-pound corpse for the rest of your death? Keep pumping while I tell the story. Tonight’s story is about an old man who finds a new wrinkle in the fountain of youth. A twisted tale that we call “The Switch.””