USA UP ALL NIGHT: 10 (1979)

EDITOR’S NOTE: 10 was on USA Up All Night on October 19, 1990 and January 11, 1992.

During his 42nd birthday party, composer George Webber (Dudley Moore) learns that he’s not aging well. Despite the love of his girlfriend Samantha Taylor (Julie Andrews), he’s more obsessed with youth and beauty, whether he sees it through a telescope or at the wedding, he follows the whole way to the church.

The object of his affection is the impossibly beautiful — well, in his eyes — Jenny Hanley, played by Bo Derek. She’s just married David Hanley (Sam J. Jones) and they’ve gone on their honeymoon to Hawaii, where George follows. He beds an old frien,d Mary (Dee Wallace), but his heart isn’t into their fling. Again, all he can think of is the unattainable perfection of Jenny, a woman whom he doesn’t even know. Well, he does get to know her — near biblically — when he saves her husband from drowning and she rewards him with lovemaking. Yet in the middle of his fantasy reality, her husband calls and is casually OK with what’s happening. Their relationship, unlike the one that George has with Samantha, means nothing.

Directed and written by Blake Edwards, 10 broke new ground and was quite a big deal when released in 1979. Bo Derek’s cornrow hairstyle was a major fashion happening, and she turned this movie’s fame into, well, Bolero. The less said — pleasure! — the better.

It also led to Moore becoming a star as a solo act. But he almost wasn’t in this movie. George Segal was cast as George, but allegedly walked off the set shortly after filming began — he did shoot some scenes in Mexico — at the MGM Studios. Segal had learned that Blake Edwards had inserted a television musical commercial sequence for his wife, Andrews, so that she would have a chance to sing and dance. He was upset that Edwards was using his movie to revive her career. Moore would also replace Segal in Arthur, while Segal would replace him in The Mirror Has Two Faces.

As for the adult stars in this movie, during the orgy scene that George tries to be part of — and Samatha catches on the telescope — you can see Annette Haven, Serena, Jon Martin, David Morris, John Seeman, Phaedra Grant, Desiree West, Candida Royale, Constance Money, Bonnie Holiday, Jamie Gillis, Jesse Adams, Blair Harris, Milton Ingley and Dorothy LeMay amongst the party guests.

Of the scene, Julie Andrews told Ellen DeGeneres, “There was one party that was actually manufactured for the movie 10. I think my character in 10 had to look through a telescope and see that my boyfriend, the sweet Dudley Moore, was, in fact, invading a neighbor’s house where they were having an orgy. There was a day when Blake was shooting the orgy, and he said, “Julie, you just got to come on over here. It is an unbelievable sight.” So I went dashing over, of course, I did. I walked in and everyone was stark naked and lying around, very happily and casually, treating it totally normally. And there was sweet Dudley in the middle of it all, and he wasn’t very, very tall. Blake put him between two enormously statuesque ladies, and so he was completely naked, and these two ladies were naked, but their bums were up here, and little Dudley‘s was down there. So sweet. It was more adorable than anything else because Dudley was so adorable.”

10 feels dated today — it was made in 1979 — and its gender politics are obviously skewed. Yet Brian Dennehy is great as the hotel bartender, and it all ends well. I remember what a big deal this was when it was on HBO; even if I was only seven when it came out, it was still a naughty secret even in elementary school.

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: The Day Time Ended (1979)

John “Bud” Cardos has been behind so many movies that others would spit upon, such as The Dark and Kingdom of the Spiders. Now, he’s back with a movie for the hip now generation. It’s time to talk about solar energy. It’s time to talk about the world after this one. It’s time to be bored senseless.

The Williams family has moved to the Sonoran Desert to get away from the dangers of urban life. There’s Grant (Jim Davis, who many would know from TV’s Dallas, but around these parts, we know him from being in Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter), the grandfather. And then there’s his wife, Ana (Dorothy Malone, who won a Best Supporting Actress for Written on the Wind and had to suffer through this film), son Richard (Chris Mitchum, who we know from Bigfoot), his wife Beth and their kids, Steve and Jenny.

The mysteries of this film start small, like the news talking about a triple supernova and glowing things behind the barn. But soon, we learn that the supernova has torn a hole in the fabric of reality, unleashing UFOs and shutting down the electricity in the Williams home. And before you can say “stop motion,” there are miniature lizard creatures that look like they came straight out of Laserblast walking around.

All manner of creatures begin attacking the family, who take refuge in their barn. Then, they’re all beamed up in a UFO and taken thousands of years into the future. The film ends deus ex machina-style with the grandfather saying that the domed city in the distance is why they must have survived THE DAY TIME ENDED.

You know when you see Charles Band’s name on a movie that there are going to be all manner of stop-motion characters. This one delivers. And delivers. And…you get the picture.

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: The Dark (1979)

Bill Van Ryn from Groovy Doom/Drive-In Asylum explained this movie short and sweet: “It’s like an episode of Kolchak: The Night Stalker without Kolchak.” It’s also about the press freaking out about an eight-foot-tall alien who is killing people who eyebeam lasers in the dirty and dingy streets of Los Angeles. It was initially about an autistic child who had never met people before. It was also originally to be directed by Tobe Hooper. Things didn’t quite happen that way.

John “Bud” Cardos (Kingdom of the SpidersGor II) stepped in to direct. And realizing that his movie now featured an alien instead of a child, he hastily put together an opening narration that discussed electric eels and Venus flytraps. If our planet has those, what about other worlds? What that has to do with the rest of the film, well, your guess is as good as mine.

What we end up with is a monster that beheads people while someone chants, “The dark! The dark!”  William Devane (Greg Sumner from TV’s Knots Landing) and a TV anchorwoman (original Wonder Woman and That’s Incredible host Cathy Lee Crosby) finally figure out how to catch the monster. Oh yeah — there’s also an ancient psychic who believes that a young actor will be the next to be killed, so we get some 7’70sHollywood parties along the way. Casey Kasem shows up. Keenan Wynn and Richard Jaeckel, too.

Roger Ebert referred to this movie as “the dumbest, most inept, most maddeningly unsatisfactory thriller of the last five years. It’s really bad: so bad, indeed, that it provides some sort of measuring tool against which to measure other bad thrillers. Years from now, I’ll be thinking to myself: Well, at least it’s not as bad as The Dark.”

I really didn’t think it was that bad. It’s not the best movie ever, but I was certainly entertained. Not riveted. But entertained. But how can you hate a film where a giant alien shoots laser beams out of his eyes and rips people’s heads off so that the coroner can put them in body bags (along with mini head bags)?

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: Crocodile (1979)

Originally made as Agowa gongpo (Crocodile Fangs), this is the story of Tony Akom (Nat Puvani) and John Stromm (Min Oo), two workaholic doctors always at odds with their wives, who are angry that they work so much. They decide to make up for it and take them on vacation, which is a major mistake, as they are dragged underwater by a crocodile mutated by nuclear testing into an unstoppable creature of wife-chewing destruction. Now, they must destroy it and join up with fisherman Tanaka (Manop Asavatep) and a photographer named Peter (Robert Chan Law-Bat) to make it happen.

When the English language version of this film was created by producer Dick Randall, numerous cuts were made. Out was the hurricane that opened the original movie. It was a new beginning shot by Randall in which a crocodile eats two naked women. This one movie didn’t have enough crocodile-human feasting for Randall, who added in a scene from Krai Thong in which three kids turn into a snake. And the ending, in which Tony threw dynamite into the crocodile’s gullet, was edited with Peter strapping himself with the TNT and swimming right into the giant mouth of the croc. Above all else, all Jaws rip-offs must end with the beast being blown up. That’s the rules.

What breaks the rules is that much like The Ghost Galleon, I can only imagine that some of the effects in this were created by a toy boat in a bathtub. Yet going even further, this has a reptile crawling all over it.

Original director Sompote Sands also made the aforementioned Krai Thong, as well as The 6 Ultra Brothers vs. the Monster ArmyHanuman and the Five Riders (a bootleg Kamen Rider) and Jumborg Ace & Giant.

A warning: This movie was condemned by the American Humane Association for a moment where a genuine crocodile is murdered on screen. This isn’t Italian, mind you. It’s from Thailand.

CBS LATE MOVIE: Topper (1979)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Topper was on the CBS Late Movie on February 16, 1983 and January 5, 1984.

Seven-year-old Sam was not upset when things were remade. He loved watching Topper on WPGH’s Sunday Morning Movie, and he was pleased that it was back. Old Sam is the grumpy one.

Old Sam would also like you to know that Andrews Stevens and Kate Jackson are the cutest of couples and are sad that they divorced.

This was the third time a Topper series was attempted — yes, another failed pilot — as there was a 78-episode show starring Anne Jeffreys and Robert Sterling from 1953 to 1956, and another failed pilot in 1973 with Stefanie Powers and John Fink. There was also a 1992 pilot with Tim Curry as Cosmo, Courtney Cox as Marion and Ben Cross as George.

Marion  (Jackson) and George (Stevens) swerve to avoid a bunny and end up as ghosts, stuck on Earth until they earn their way into Heaven. One of those ways they try to help others is to improve the marriage between Cosmo Topper (Jack Warden) and his wife Clara (Rue McClanahan), as well as keep him from being screwed by his unscrupulous business partner Fred Korbell (James Karen).

Charles E. Dubin directed this, along with more than 110 other TV productions. It was written by the husband-and-wife duo of Michael Scheff and Mary Ann Kasica, with George Kirgo. It was based on the original novel by Thorne Smith.

Did you ever want to see Topper in a disco? This is your movie.

You can watch this on The Cave of Forgotten Films or on YouTube.

CBS LATE MOVIE: The Fantastic Seven (1979)

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Fantastic Seven was on the CBS Late Movie on January 5 and September 9, 1983 and May 16, 1984.

Directed by John Peyser (The Centerfold Girls) and written by David Shaw, this starts with actress Rebecca Wayne (Elke Sommer) being kidnapped by Boudreau (Patrick Macnee) and taken to Finland, where she’ll be killed in 72 hours if the ransom isn’t paid. The studio won’t pay it; her last two films were failures. That means stuntman Hill Singleton (Christopher Connelly, so many Italian movies) must recruit, well, six more people, like his friend Horatio (Brian Brodsky), swimmers Elena Sweet (Morgan Brittany) and Dinah Latimore (Juanin Clay), explosives lover Skip Hartman (Christopher Lloyd), weaponer Wally Ditweiler (Bob Seagren) and bartender and (because he’s Asian) martial arts expert Kenny Uto (Soon-Tek Oh). Of course, they’re successful, even if this pilot wasn’t picked up for a series. I mean, I still watched it on the CBS Late Movie and wrote so many episodes for it. Ah, if only — I mean, a weekly show about stuntmen solving crimes? I mean, that would never work. Oh, The Fall Guy?

This has stunts by a Swamp Thing (Dick Durock) and two Michael Meyers (Dick Warlock and George Wilbur), as well as “Judo” Gene LaBelle.

You can watch this on YouTube.

CBS LATE MOVIE: The 11th Victim (1979)

EDITOR’S NOTE: The 11th Victim was on the CBS Late Movie on August 27, 1982.

Airing on November 6, 1979 as the CBS Tuesday Night MovieThe 11th Victim — released on VHS as The Lakeside Killer — has Jill Kelso (Bess Armstrong) coming from Des Moints to Los Angeles, looking for the killer of her younger sister, Cindy Lee (Marilyn Jones), who was trying to be an actress and ended up a sex worker. She refuses to believe that, however, even as cop Andrew Spencer (Max Gail) tries to keep her safe when she investigates on her own.

The bad influence on her sister was Sally Taylor (Pamela Ludwig), who got Cindy Lee to pose nude for a German calendar. She barely knows Jill and soon she’s taking her to a “video disco” and getting her to do drugs. Then Jill gets the idea to become a girl fresh off the bus named Kelly and follows in her sister’s footsteps, meeting this movie’s version of Jim South, Spider (Eric Burdon, yes from The Animals), whose secretary Cathy (Annazette Chase) seems so lovely, then tells Jill/Kelly to take off her clothes, right there in the office. And before you know it, Jill/Kelly is agreeing to do hardcore with megastar Red Brody (David Hayward), who she believes is a killer, the very person who killed her sister.

Dick Miller appears as a cop, and this was the last film for Tara Strohmeier, whose career is marked by a list of notable movies, including Hollywood BoulevardTruck TurnerThe Kentucky Fried MovieThe Student Teachers, and more.

After Mr. Billion and Over the Edge flopped, director Jonathan Kaplan found himself working in TV. He also made The Gentleman Bandit and Girls of the White Orchid, which is much better and nearly the same movie, before achieving success with Heart Like a Wheel. This was written by Ken Friedman, who also wrote Death by InvitationWhite Line Fever and Cadillac Man.

This movie is definitely “We have Hardcore at home.”

You can watch this on YouTube.

CBS LATE MOVIE: Parts the Clonus Horror (1979)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Parts the Clonus Horror was on the CBS Late Movie on January 15, April 9 and August 11, 1982.

Directed by Robert S. Fiveson and written by Bob Sullivan, Ron Smith, Myrl A. Schreibman and Robert S. Fiveson, this is about an island named Clonus. The clones there believe that they’re being educated and trained so that they can better fit into America; the truth is, they’re about to be stripped for parts. There’s a big party when people ship out for the U.S.A. And then, they’re frozen in bags and hung to wait for someone to need their body parts.

Richard (Tim Donnelly) is a clone of Richard Knight (David Hooks); his brother Jeffrey (Peter Graves) is soon to be President. What neither Richard knows is that Jeffrey commissioned this clone to be made. This is one dark movie, because they lobotomize Lena (Paulette Breen), Richard’s lover, and when he comes back for her, he learns that she’s already gone. He’s killed and used for parts, which is good news for Jeffrey, who ends up stabbing in the chest when government troops attack the home of his brother, killing his entire family as well as Jake Noble (Keenan Wynn) and his family.

Somehow, the press gets a tape, though, sent by Noble, who was a reporter. Richard has a massive hole in his chest when we see his body. Yes, this ends with the hero dead in a freezer.

If you’ve ever seen The Island and thought, “This is the same movie,” well, you’re right. Except Dreamworks never asked for the rights or even considered it. They did after they paid what was said to be a seven-figure settlement to the creators of Clonus.

RADIANCE FILMS BLU RAY RELEASE: A Man On His Knees (1979)

Nino (Giuliano Gemma) was once a car thief, but now he’s gone legit, running a coffee business to support his wife, Lucia (Eleonora Giorgi), and their children. Yet somehow — and by accident — he’s ended up on the kill list of Antonio (Michele Placido).

Directed by Damiano Damiani, this isn’t a poliziotteschi with a hard cop fighting against horrible criminals. Instead, it’s a somewhat ordinary man being hunted for reasons he doesn’t understand, but knows that he’s back in a world that he thought he’d never be part of again. Can he stay alive, protect his family and keep his personal code of honor? Will Antonio be his enemy, his friend, his killer or something else? So many questions, but all answered so perfectly by this film.

The Radiance Films Blu-ray release features a new 4K restoration from the original negative and extras such as archival interviews with stars Giuliano Gemma, Tano Cimarosa and assistant director Mino Giarda; a new interview with Alberto Pezzotta, author of Regia Damiano Damiani; a trailer; a reversible sleeve featuring original and newly commissioned artwork by Filippo Di Battista and a booklet featuring new writing by Roberto Curti. It is available in a limited edition of 3,000 copies, presented in full-height Scanavo packaging with a removable OBI strip, allowing the packaging to remain free of certificates and markings. You can get it from MVD.

APRIL MOVIE THON 4: Weasels Rip My Flesh (1979)

April 28: Nightmare USA — Celebrate Stephen Thrower’s book by picking a movie from it. Here’s all of them in a list.

Directed and written by Nathan Schiff when he was just 16 — following it with The Long Island Cannibal Massacre and They Don’t Cut the Grass Anymore — this is the best home movie you’ve ever seen, if the home movie had giant weasels in it.

What is it with those trips to space? This time, instead of a Jupiter probe, an errant NASA spacecraft on the way back from Venus transforms a rabid weasel into a giant that lives to kill.

Named for a Mothers of Invention album, this goes even further, as Dr. Sendam uses the weasel to kill his enemies while studying its regenerative blood. Also: Everyone has a mustache.

Also also: weasel men are made, I Drink Your Blood style, by injecting people with tainted rabies blood.

$400, high schoolers, making it their way with puppets and model kits. What else could you need? This moves fast, is pretty dumb in the best of ways and has giant weasels eating human beings and an ending that had to be stolen from My Brother Has Bad Dreams with a shark that came out of a garbage can.

You can watch this on YouTube.