WEIRD WEDNESDAY: The Lady In Red (1979)

Roger Corman told writer John Sayles just one sentence: He wanted “a female Godfather story about the woman who was with John Dillinger when he was shot.” 

The real Lady In Red was Anna Sage, who had come to America from Romania and became a brothel owner. As she faced deportation for her criminal activities, she betrayed public enemy number one, John Dillinger.

On July 22, 1934, Sage, along with Dillinger and his girlfriend Polly Hamilton, went to see the movie Manhattan Melodrama at the Biograph Theater in Chicago. Sage had informed the FBI that she would be wearing a red dress to help identify Dillinger, although she actually wore an orange skirt and white blouse. As they left the theater, federal agents surrounded Dillinger, shooting and killing him in an alley next to the theater. Sage received only half of the promised reward money and was ultimately deported to Romania, despite the promises of the FBI.

Polly (Pamela Sue Martin) is the heroine of this story. She starts out as a simple farm girl who is nearly killed during a bank robbery. If I’m ever in a bank and Mary Woronov busts in, I would let her shoot me and take all my money. Afterward, as Polly is interviewed by reporter Jake Lingle (Robert Hogan), he seduces her. By the time she gets home, her preacher father beats her, sending her on the road to Chicago, where she gets a job at a sweatshop run by Patek (Dick Miller). There, she becomes friends with Rose Shimkus (Laurie Heineman), who is arrested for aborting a baby that Patek fathered. In turn, Polly leads the workers against the man. Looking for work, she finally becomes a taxi dancer, gets arrested for being a sex worker and goes to prison.

There, she finds Rose, and they get a job in the laundry, where they battle a guard named Tiny Alice (Nancy Parsons, who would go on to be Coach Balbricker in Porky’s), who eventually sends her to work in Anna Sage’s (Louise Fletcher) brothel. She’s sold as a virgin and a farmer’s daughter, which means every man wants her, including the reporter, the scarred mobster Frognose (Christopher Lloyd), and the one lone decent man, a gangster named Turk (Robert Forester), who gives her her first orgasm. At the same time, Alice kills Rose and the entire prison riots. As if that isn’t enough sadness, Frognose beats another friend, Satin (Chip Fields), to death.

Along with Pops Geissler (Peter Hobbs) and piano player Eddie (Glenn Withrow), they all work in Anna’s restaurant. Polly starts dating Dillinger, whom Anna recognizes and sells out to Melvin Purvis (Alan Vint). Just like in real life, Polly and Anna go to the movies with Dillinger, who is killed by the FBI as he walks out of the theater. People all walk up to the body and dip things into his blood to sell in the streets.

Polly is devastated by Dillinger’s death, and as if that isn’t bad enough, the reporter who was with her from the beginning writes an article falsely accusing her of betraying Dillinger. Eddie, Pops and Pinetop (Rod Gist) work with her to get revenge, as she evades a hit by Frognose, who is killed by Pinetop. However, as they knock over a mafia bank, everyone is killed but Polly, including Eddie sacrificing himself — but not before finally kissing Polly — and Pops begging Polly to put him out of his misery. Turk returns to kill the reporter, but Polly survives and gets a ride to California.

Sayles said of this film: “I wanted to do more than I knew Roger Corman wanted to do with that script. He basically wanted Bloody Mama Part Three; I wanted to get into other things about the thirties. So I said, “Roger, I will not write you a treatment; I’ll write you a full draft.” And that way I was able to show him things that, if I had just said, “I wanna go into this area, I wanna take her to jail, take her to a sweatshop,” he’d say, “Oh no, that’s beside the point”; whereas when I put it in the script he sort of got to liking the story. So I was able to campaign for the script that I wanted, and get him to agree that he liked that, too.”

It was one of the few scripts he wrote that he wished he had directed. Instead, Lewis Teague was in the chair; he also directed AlligatorNavy SEALsCat’s Eye and more. Teague was paid $11,000, but because the film was made non-union, he had to pay his entire salary as a fine to the Director’s Guild.

This movie is so much better than it has any right to be. Quentin Tarantino said: “The John Sayles-scripted, Julie Corman-produced, Lewis Teague-directed 1978 gangster opus The Lady in Red (AKA Touch Me and Die) is my candidate for most ambitious film ever made at Roger Corman’s New World Pictures. Not only do I think this thirties era epic about Polly Franklin (Pamela Sue Martin), the fictional brothel prostitute who inadvertently leads John Dillinger to his death in front of the Biograph Theatre, is Sayles’ best screenplay, I also think it’s the best script ever written for an exploitation movie.” In his novel Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, he directed a 1999 remake of the film in an alternate history.

By the way: Jake Lingle, who is killed at the end of the film, was a real person. Lingle was gunned down in 1930, four years before the setting of this film, shot while tons of people walked by and watched every moment.

This didn’t do well in theaters. I saw it on HBO many, many times and always loved it, even when I was too young to watch it. Corman re-released it as Guns, Sin and Bathtub Gin, but it still didn’t turn a profit. The title comes from the tagline of The Lady In Red: “She’s made of bullets, sin and bathtub gin.”

At least he got to recycle scenes from this in Big Bad Mama II, which starred the woman he wanted in the lead of this, Angie Dickinson.

According to Temple of Schlock, it was also released as the title Tarantino referenced, Touch Me and Die: “For some reason, when the film played Chicago — where Dillinger was set up by Sage and killed outside the Biograph Theater on July 22nd, 1934 — New World changed the title to Touch Me and Die and erased all references to Dillinger and the period setting. Even worse, the film was relegated to second feature status under Escape from Death Row (a shady re-release of Mean Frank and Crazy Tont) during its week-long run beginning on July 24th, 1981.”

What makes The Lady in Red stand out among the endless WIP and gangster moll Corman movies is Sayles’ screenplay.  Corman wanted a spiritual successor to Bloody Mama; Sayles gave him a Marxist critique of the Great Depression wrapped in a blood-soaked bodice ripper. Unlike most exploitation leads who are born bad, Polly is systematically dismantled by 1930s America. 

You can watch this on Tubi.

The Capture of Bigfoot (1979)

 

A story so amazing it can only be true.

Sure, Bill Rebane.

A small town has turned its Bigfoot sightings into a tourist destination. A bunch of people get killed, and everyone thinks the sasquatch must be behind it, so sawmill owner Harvey Olsen (Richard Kennedy) decides to hunt down the creature with the help of the people of Gleason, Wisconsin, by offering $10,000 to anyone who captures the beast. Who can save Bigfoot? Maybe game ranger Dave Garrett (Stafford Morgan)?

Maybe it’s more than Bigfoot. It could be The Legendary Creature of Arak, a white yeti that shows up. There’s a child Sasquatch, too. That’s Bill’s son Randolph.

According to the local lore, Arak is a man-like creature that protected the Arak tribe near the Lake of the Clouds.” Far from being a mindless killer, Arak was a spiritual guardian who escorted the tribal elders to the afterlife when it was their time to die. This adds a layer of noble protector to the beast, making Harvey Olsen’s mission to cage it even more villainous.

At least George “Buck” Flower is on hand with his daughter Verkina. November 1980 Playboy Playmate of the Month Jeana Keough is, too. Everyone looks like they’re freezing, because it’s always snowing in Wisconsin or at least in Bill Rebane movies.

This movie really unites ecohorror actors. Kennedy was in Holy Wednesday AKA Fangs; his henchman Jason is Otis Young, who was in Blood Beach, and Burt is John Goff from Alligator. George “Buck” Flower was in Skeeter. Denise Cheshire went from Graduation Day to mime work where she played apes. And oddest of all, Janus Raudkivi, who plays the white creature, was security on Deadly Eyes, a movie that dressed up dogs as mutant rats. 

After the chaos at the sawmill and the final confrontation in the woods, Dave Garrett realizes the creature isn’t the monster. The men hunting it are. As the creature retreats back into the wilderness, the folk song “Life is a Journey” plays, reminding the viewer that “You’ll only find freedom the day when you die.”

You can watch this on YouTube.

World of Mystery (1979)

 

Wheeler Dixon and Sidney Paul spent a lot of time together in 1978 and 1979. That said, maybe they did all of this in four hours, making several movies and doing no small amount of drugs. 

What are we into this time? Well, flying saucers, cryptozoology, ghosts, alien life on their home planet, psychic phenomena, Kirlian photography, Uri Geller, earthquakes, the home movies of Hitler, aliens eating us, fairies, the Loch Ness monster… nothing is off the table. I mean it. Have you ever talked to me and wondered how I can change subjects so quickly that you wondered if I was high? I am high. But I can’t jump around as much as this.

I decided to transcribe some of this so that I can share with you the words that fly by so quickly.

Welcome to the World of Mystery, a world of strange sights and sounds, a world of unexplained mysteries and visitation from other planets. It is a world of ghosts, of monsters from outer space, of demons and sorcery, of monsters from the depths of the seas, of werewolves and Satanic ceremonies, of despotic rulers and wars. In short, a world of contradictions, continual conflicts and unexplained phenomena which scientists are only now beginning to unravel.

Throughout this movie, I yell at the screen during the narration, things like, “No, they aren’t!” and “That’s not true!”

This is how fast this movie changes things on you: Seen in this photograph is the creator of Sherlock Holmes, Arthur Conan Doyle, supposedly surrounded by tiny fairies. Actually, this photo is a fake, constructed to show that fakery was possible. This photo of a medieval tapestry depicts a seven-headed dragon, known in the Book of Revelation as the Beast of the Apocalypse.

Wait, were we talking about faeries? Have you ever had an old person keep showing you photos on their phone, and every image is blurry, you have no idea what it is, and you don’t even know who they are? Just me?

This is a breakneck, psychedelic journey through the paranormal that feels less like a film and more like a fever dream. If it feels like the creators were operating on an entirely different plane of reality, it’s because the movie refuses to stay on one subject for more than a few seconds, hurtling from the occult to deep-space nihilism without catching its breath.

This isn’t even the end of the movie, as somehow, this continues after this:

Yet out in the vast reaches of space, how little this all matters. Man is just a small and not very important part of the vastness of the universe, less than a millionth of its contents. Man thinks he is immortal. But what is age to the denizens of the stars? From a small portion of space, we can grasp the relative insignificance of our own existence. Whether we look at a small portion of the universe or a larger area, we can easily see that mankind could cease to exist without the universe even noticing it.

Now we’re just destroyed. Thanks, World of Mystery.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Mysteries from the Bible (1979)

I assume that Delineator Films is really just director and writer , the same man who brought us UFO Top Secret and its spiritual siblings UFO Exclusive and Amazing World of Ghosts. When you watch enough of Dixon’s movies, you start to realize that his filmmaking method is less about directing and more about curating whatever film cans happen to be lying around the room. If there’s a reel of stock footage, a religious educational short or a black-and-white dramatization from the Eisenhower administration, chances are it’s going to show up in one of his movies eventually.

Dixon didn’t shoot any of this, of course. Like most of his work, it’s a cinematic patchwork quilt. The footage comes from productions made by Family Films, pulled from several episodic religious series that were already decades old by the time Dixon got his hands on them. If you want to get technical, and you know I do, the footage seems like it was taken from several episodic series, including The Living Bible, a 26-part series released from 1952-55, and The Old Testament Scriptures, a 14-part mini-series released in 1958 and 1959.

This feels ancient now and probably felt as moldy in 1979.

Narrated by the ever-serious Sidney Paul, this film consists mostly of pantomime reenactments that tell the stories of Moses from the Old Testament and Jesus Christ from the New. If you’ve ever seen those old church-produced Bible films where everyone moves slowly, stares toward heaven and gestures dramatically like they’re trapped in a silent movie, that’s basically the vibe.

The production values scream mid-century religious educational film. The costumes look like something from a church basement pageant. The lighting is flat. The acting is…well, “acting” might be generous. Most of the performers appear to have been instructed to slowly raise their arms, gaze upward, and move around like they’re in a reverent game of charades. The whole thing plays less like a movie and more like a filmed version of a Living Nativity scene your local church would put on in December.

You know the kind. Wooden manger. Plastic sheep. One kid who refuses to stay in character. Someone’s uncle is playing Joseph while trying not to drop his fake beard. Maybe I’m the only one who went to those growing up, but that’s exactly the energy here. Who am I kidding? I was in one of those for almost a decade.

What makes the film fascinating isn’t the storytelling, which is about as straightforward as it gets, but the texture of the footage. The film stock looks faded, as if someone left it sitting in a sunny storefront window for 30 years. Colors bleed, the contrast fluctuates, and every now and then the image looks like it might dissolve into dust right there on the screen.

And somehow that actually adds to the charm.

This whole thing feels like a relic. Not just a movie about biblical history, but a movie that itself feels like a historical artifact. You’re not just watching the story of Moses or Jesus. You’re watching how people in the 1950s imagined those stories should look on film, filtered through the low-budget repackaging instincts of a 1970s exploitation documentarian.

That combination is what makes a Wheeler Dixon production so strangely compelling. He’s the king of the cinematic collage, the patron saint of recycled footage. If he made a movie about aliens, ghosts, the Bermuda Triangle or the Book of Exodus, you can bet that half of it would come from some other movie he found in a bargain bin.

You can watch this on YouTube.

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: King Frat (1979)

If you’ve ever found yourself watching a teen sex comedy from the ’80s and thinking, “This is great, but it really needs more gastrointestinal distress and a much lower production budget,” then boy, do I have a gift for you. King Frat isn’t just a movie; it’s a biological hazard caught on 35mm. It’s the kind of regional filmmaking that feels like it was developed in a bathtub filled with stale beer and regret.

Before he became the founding editor of The Huffington Post, Roy Sekoff starred in this movie, filmed in Miami and Coral Gables, as a takeoff on Animal House. The Bluto Blutarsky of this film is J.J. “Gross-Out” Gumbroski, played by John DiSanti, who, believe it or not, would go on to be in other movies (*batteries not included is one of them).

Set at Yellowstream University, this movie follows the Pi Kappa Delta fraternity, who are only concerned with drinking. A good chunk of the film involves them mooning people, which leads to the death of the dean of the school. Then, a farting contest is announced, and everyone battles to have the best farts in a scene that goes on longer than you’d expect, then goes about another seven minutes past that.

And then there’s the music. Most films have a soundtrack. This is a hostage situation. The same bouncy, synthesized earworm plays throughout the entire runtime, looping with a psychotic persistence that would make a CIA interrogator blush. By the thirty-minute mark, you’ll be humming it. By the end of the film, you’ll hear it when people talk to you, and then you’ll start wondering if the soundtrack has come to life to further torment you.

Amazingly, King Frat comes from Ken Wiederhorn, the same man who directed Shock Waves, Return of the Living Dead Part II and Meatballs II. How do you go from the eerie, waterlogged Nazi zombies to a movie where the primary plot point is a synchronized flatulence symphony? Wiederhorn is a man of many seasons, and apparently, one of those seasons was spent in the absolute gutter. This feels like the moment he decided to see exactly how much the human spirit could endure. It’s filmed in Miami and Coral Gables, but it feels like it was shot in the locker room of a condemned bowling alley.

King Frat is literally the bottom of the absolute barrel of filmmaking, and I love it. If Animal House was too classy for you, if you wondered if they could make a movie where a frat could murder a dean by farting in his face and stealing the body and then have a scene where numerous men and women fart and nearly shit themselves, good news. This is the movie for you.

Star Force (1979)

I assume that this is Attack from Outer Space, but when it comes to the paranormal docs of Wheeler Dixon, it’s hard to tell if you’re watching UFO Top Secret or UFO Exclusive and Wheeler is all about recycling footage from his other movies, which include Amazing World of Ghosts, World of Mystery and Mysteries of the Bible.

This is…something.

The man clearly believed that if you’ve already got a blurry light in the sky once, why not show it again? And again. And then maybe tint it purple and pretend it’s new footage. And it all makes sense, believe it or not, because Winston Wheeler Dixon didn’t just make UFO movies. 

According to Wikipedia, his scholarship has particular emphasis on François Truffaut, Jean‑Luc Godard, American experimental cinema and horror films. The Museum of Modern Art has exhibited his work. He’s taught at Rutgers University, The New School in New York, the University of Amsterdam in the Netherlands, and was the James E. Ryan professor emeritus of film studies at the University of Nebraska–Lincoln.

So yes: the same guy who gave lectures on French New Wave cinema also directed movies in which a glowing dot over a mountain is supposed to convince you that alien warships are about to level Cleveland.

What makes my brain hurt even more is that he was a member of the New York City underground experimental film scene, wrote for Interview and co-founded the band Figures of Light. That’s right. The man who made bargain-bin— I say that term fondly—UFO documentaries was also helping lay the groundwork for noisy New York punk before most people even knew where or what CBGB was.

This explains a lot about these movies. They feel less like documentaries and more like someone in the early 70s decided to make a collage of every weird thing they could find in a public domain archive.

With a voiceover by Sidney Paul (who was also the narrator of Guerrilla Girl), this explores the wonder and magic ofwhat if aliens attacked us?all while we watch tinted photos, NASA-looking stock footage and blurred-out images that could be UFOs…or could be dust on the lens…or could be literally anything.  

Meanwhile, the soundtrack just chills in the background with that unmistakable 70s library-music energy: wah-wah guitars, cheap synth stabs, and the occasional sci-fi sound effect that feels like it escaped from a middle school planetarium show. It’s less about proving aliens exist and more about setting a vibe where you sit back and think,Yeah, maybe that glowing thing is from another galaxy.”

Star Force comes from that strange era where documentaries were allowed to be a little loose with the facts, a little dreamy and a lot weird. Nobody expected hard evidence. They just wanted spooky narration, grainy footage and the feeling that something mysterious might be happening just beyond the edge of the frame. And yes, maybe the title sounds like another film, so perhaps that gets you in the theater or pulling into the drive-in.

Put it on, dim the lights, light one up and let it wash over you. Just don’t expect answers. That was never really the point.

You can watch this on YouTube.

ARROW VIDEO 4K UHD RELEASE: Salem’s Lot (1979)

If you’re a writer in a Stephen King story, never ever go home. Nothing good is waiting for you there. Nothing at all. If your home is in New England, just forget about it. In fact, even if you aren’t a writer, don’t go back home. Don’t reunite with your friends. Just be happy with whatever you’ve got.

Originally airing on November 17 and 24, 1979, Salem’s Lot is considered one of the best Stephen King adaptations and among Tobe Hooper’s finest directorial works.

We open in Guatemala, where Ben Mears (David Soul, TV’s Starsky and Hutch) and Mark Petrie (Lance Kerwin, Enemy Mine) are filling bottle after bottle with holy water until one glows. Whatever they’re chasing — or running from — has found them.

After that, we go back in time two years, to when Ben moves back to Salem’s Lot, Maine. He’s come back to his hometown to write about the Marsten House, an old haunted house. He pushes his luck even further, learning nothing from fellow writer Roger Cobb in House, and tries to rent it. However, Richard Straker (the superb James Mason), a stranger in town, has already bought it for his business partner Kurt Barlow.

Instead, Ben moves into Eva Miller’s boarding house. Soon, he’s friends with Dr. Bill Norton (Ed Flanders, the TV movie The Legend of Lizzie Borden and TV’s St. Elsewhere), romantically involved with Bill’s daughter Susan (Bonnie Bedelia, Die HardNeedful Things) and reconnecting with his old teacher, Jason Burke (Lew Ayers, Battle for the Planet of the Apes).

Soon, Ben recalls a traumatic childhood encounter at the Marsten House and develops the theory that the house casts a shadow over all of Salem’s Lot. It gets worse when a crate shows up at the house, and people begin to die. Both Ben and Straker are suspects, but it’s really Barlow (Reggie Nalder, Mark of the Devil, The Bird with the Crystal Plumage). He’s a vampire that wants to take over the whole town, starting with local boy Ralphie Glick and realtor Larry Crockett (Fred Willard in a rare non-comedic role and I haven’t even gotten to the scene where he has to put a shotgun in his own mouth!).

That’s when this movie really gets frightening. The scene where Ralphie floats outside his brother Danny’s (Brad Savage, Red Dawn) window is harrowing. And when Danny dies, he comes back to kill gravedigger Mike Ryerson (Geoffrey Lewis, Night of the Comet) and goes after Mark Petrie, who we saw in the opening. Luckily, Mark is a horror movie fan, and he uses a cross to chase away the young bloodsucker. The way the vampires fly in this movie is really strange-looking and was achieved by floating them off boom cranes instead of wires, then playing that footage backward for an otherworldly effect.

The town is quickly taken over by vampires, with Ben, Burke, and Dr. Norton all trying to stop it. Even Ralph and Danny’s dead mother, Marjorie (Clarrisa Kaye, who, at the time, was the wife of James Mason), rises from the dead to try to kill everyone, but is stopped with a cross. Mark’s parents are killed by Barlow, but a priest helps him escape. And Burke has a heart attack after Mike Ryerson comes back to drink his blood.

Seeking revenge, Mark breaks into the Marsten House. Susan comes to help him, but they are both taken hostage. Mears and Dr. Norton attempt to save them, but Straker kills the doctor by impaling him on antlers. Ben shoots the vampire’s thrall, and then he and Mark stake Barlow. They set the house on fire, driving all of the vampires from their hiding places and purifying the town. However, Susan is nowhere to be found.

That’s when we get back to the opening, as the rest of Salem’s Lot’s vampires are still chasing them. Ben finds Susan in his bed, ready to kill him. Instead of kissing her, he impales her with a stake, and our heroes go back on the run — a journey that would take them to a planned NBC series that was to be produced by Richard Korbitz and written by Robert Bloch.

There was a loose sequel made in 1987, A Return to Salem’s Lot, that was written and directed by Larry Cohen (not Lawerence). There was also a remake in 2004 that aired on the TNT channel with Rob Lowe as Ben, Donald Sutherland as Straker and Rutger Hauer as Barlow (I wonder how he feels about Anne Rice typecasting him as a vampire). Don’t even get me started on the recent remake. 

While this movie is three hours and seven minutes long, it attempts to capture 400 pages of King’s prose (and this is one of his shorter novels). Paul Monash, who produced Carrie and wrote for TV’s Peyton Place, was picked to work the novel into a filmable screenplay. One of the most noticeable tweaks is that Barlow is a cultured, well-spoken man in the novel and a Nosferatu-like bestial killer in the movie.

Originally, George Romero was to direct this when it was to be a theatrical movie. He didn’t feel that he could work within the constraints of television censorship. However, Tobe Hooper really succeeded with this effort, despite much of the book’s violence being trimmed. That said, there is a European theatrical version that contains a longer cut of Cully threatening Larry with the shotgun. It was released in Spain as Phantasma II,  a supposed sequel to Phantasm!

This is not just one of my favorite King adaptations, but one of my favorite movies. Its long-running time flies by, and there are so many iconic moments of fright that it holds up, nearly four decades after it was filmed.

The Arrow Video 4K UHD release of Salem’s Lot is a must-buy. It starts with brand-new 4K restorations of both the original two-part miniseries and the shorter theatrical cut distributed internationally. Then, you get the packaging, a gorgeous reversible sleeve featuring two original artwork options; a collectors’ perfect-bound booklet containing new writing on the film by critics Sean Abley, Sorcha Ni Fhlainn and Richard Kadrey, plus select archival material including interviews with director Tobe Hooper and stars Lance Kerwin and Julie Cobb; a Salem’s Lot sign sticker; a double-sided foldout poster featuring two original artwork options; brand new audio commentary on the TV cut by film critics Bill Ackerman and Amanda Reyes and archival audio commentary by director Tobe Hooper; commercial bumpers and the original broadcast version of the antlers death; an original shooting script gallery; an audio commentary for the theatrical version by film critic Chris Alexander; new interviews with Stephen King biographer Douglas Winter and Mick Garris; Second Coming, a new appreciation by author and critic Grady Hendrix; Fear Lives Here, a new featurette looking at the locations of Salem’s Lot today; We Can All Be Heroes, a new featurette with film critic Heather Wixson, co-author of In Search of Darkness; A Gold Standard for Small Screen Screams, a new featurette with film critics Joe Lipsett and Trace Thurman, co-hosts of the podcast Horror Queers; a trailer and an image gallery. You can order it from MVD.

ARROW 4K UHD RELEASE: The Visitor (1979)

In 2013, when the Alamo Drafthouse presented the uncut version of this film for the first time in the United States, they called it an “unforgettable assault on reality.” Those words best describe what is otherwise an indescribable film.

But I’m going to try.

Maybe a recipe will help.

Take Chariots of the Gods, and some of Rosemary’s Mary, then a little bit of The Omen, throw it in a blender and then pour the whole thing down the sink.

No? Maybe a synopsis.

We start in Heaven, or somewhere very much like it, where Franco Nero (the original Django) is one of those space gods that Erich von Däniken wrote about. He tells the bald children who surround him that there was once a war between two aliens, one good and one bad. The bad one — who is either called Sateen or Zathaar — was defeated, but not before he slept with a whole bunch of Earthwomen. Cue the Book of Enoch in the Lost Books of the Bible. Or cue the Scientology myth of Lord Xenu. Or Xemu, because he has two different spellings, too.

Only one child is left — a young girl — and a vast conspiracy wants her mother to have another child — a brother this time — so they can mate. The Christ figure sends John Huston — yes, the director of The Maltese Falcon and The African Queen — and the bald children to a rooftop somewhere in Atlanta to stop this plot. To do that, the children become adult evil men and dance around a lot while Huston walks up and down the stairs to triumphant music. If you think I’m making that last sentence up, you’ve never been blessed with this movie.

Meanwhile, Lance Henriksen (Near DarkAliens) is Ted Turner, pretty much. His name is Raymond Armstead, and he owns the Atlanta Rebels basketball team that plays at the Omni, and he is dating Barbara (Joanne Nail, Switchblade Sisters), who, of course, has the seed of the gods inside her. Her daughter Katy is 8 years old and already using her powers to help the Rebels win their games. But that isn’t all the help Raymond is getting. The rich, powerful and ultra-secretive Zathaar cult controls the world and is helping his team become winners. All he has to do is marry Barbara, knock her up and let their kids fuck. Hopefully, they have a boy, or Raymond is gonna have to get in the saddle all over again.

Raymond can’t even do that right, and the leader of the bad guys, Mel Ferrer (The Antichrist and Eaten Alive!) is upset and ready to quit on Raymond. Barbara doesn’t want more kids, and indeed not another child. But who can blame her? Her daughter is one creepy little girl. Her daughter knows all about the conspiracy and begs her mom to get married so she can have a brother (and this is where, in person, I’d throw in “…to have sex with” but I’d use the f word). How creepy is Katy? Well, she kills a bunch of boys with her mental powers because they make fun of her while she ice skates. And then she accidentally shoots her mother at a birthday party. Yep, it’s as if The Bad Seed met Carrie!

Then, as all 70’s occult movies must, the stars of Hollywood’s golden age make appearances!

Glenn Ford, the actor, plays a cop that Katy curses out and uses hawks to wreck his car!

Shelley Winters plays Barbara’s nurse, who once had one of the space babies and killed it, but can’t bring herself to kill Katy! According to interviews, Winters really smacked around Paige Conner, the actress who played Katy!

Sam Peckinpah, the director (!), plays an abortionist who removes one of the space babies from Barbara after the conspiracy pays a bunch of things to artificially inseminate her. Turns out Peckinpah had trouble remembering his lines, which is why we never learn that he’s Barbara’s ex-husband! Then is he Katy’s dad? Who knows! His voice is even Peckinpah’s! They had to ADR all of his dialogue.

In response to the abortion, Katy shoves her mom through a fish tank. She also decides to throw her down the stairs, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?-style. And by throwing her down the steps, I mean do it over and over and over again.

Meanwhile, John Huston is still going up and down the stairs. Finally, they HAVE HAD ENOUGH (I like to emphasize that so you get the gist) and sent their John Woo-ian flock of doves to fight the hawks. Meanwhile, Mel Ferrer and all his men show up dead with black marks on their bodies.

And Katy? Well, as Huston tells us, kids can never be evil. She gets her head shaved and goes into space to meet the Interstellar Jesus Christ. The title comes up as insane music blares.

Writer/director/insane man Michael J. Paradise (Giulio Paradisi) was in Fellini’s 8 1/2 and La Dolce Vita. What inspired him to this level of cinematic goofiness? He was helped along by Ovidio G. Assonitis, whose resume includes writing Beyond the DoorMadhouse and Forever Emmanuelle before becoming the major stockholder and CEO of Cannon Pictures in 1990. That may explain some. But not all.

I know I often write things like “I don’t have the words to describe this” when I do these reviews — mainly after I write a few hundred words all about said subject. But this is one time that that statement is not pure hyperbole. Just watch the trailer and be prepared to lose your grasp on normalcy!

The Visitor defies the logic of good and bad film. It can only be graded on whether it’s an absolute film, ala Fulci or Jodorowsky. It is something to be experienced.

The Arrow Video 4K UHD release of this film features a brand-new 4K restoration of the 109-min European version from the original 35mm camera negative, by Arrow Films. Extras include brand new audio commentary by film critics BJ anf Harmony Colangelo; visual essays by film critics Meagan Navarro and Willow Catelyn Maclay; archival interviews with Lance Henriksen, Lou Comici and cinematographer Ennio Guarnieri; a theatrical trailerl an image gallery; a reversible sleeve featuring original and newly commissioned artwork by Erik Buckham and a collectors’ booklet featuring new writing by Marc Edward Heuck, Richard Kadrey, Craig Martin and Mike White. You can get it from MVD.

Last Embrace (1979)

Based on The 13th Man by Murray Teigh Bloom, this is a hell of a role for Roy Scheider, who plays Harry Hannan, a government agent whose job intrudes on his family life, as an informant appears too early — Joe Spinell appearance! — and the ensuing gunfight takes the life of his wife. He spends five months in an institution and worries that he’s being frozen out by the agency and has become expendable.

When he goes back to his apartment, he finds that Ellie Fabian (Janet Margolin) is living there. A note has been left for him under the door. It’s in Hebrew and reads “Avenger of Blood.” Meanwhile, as he visits his wife’s grave, he fights with her brother, Dave Quittle (Charles Napier). Despite being told that he’s safe, Harry is marked for death by Quittle and his boss, Eckhart (Christopher Walken).

Between having to deal with people trying to kill him at every turn, he works with Sam Urdell (Sam Levene) to solve the notes that he’s been left.

“It begins with an ancient warning. It ends at the edge of Niagara Falls. In between, there are 5 murders. Solve the mystery. Or die trying.” What a tagline. Director Jonathan Demme cast Lynn Lowry as Ellie in this, but Schneider wanted his girlfriend, Janet Margolin, in the movie. The producers dropped her against Demme’s wishes, but she still got paid and continues to earn residuals from it.

This is a Hitchcock cover from start to finish, even having Miklós Rózsa do the score. He worked with Hitchcock on Spellbound. And the end, while darker than North by Northwest, is similar. Yet this surprised me; between how raw Scheider is and the darkness of the murders, it’s excellent.

You can watch this on Tubi and get it from Vinegar Syndrome.

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: The Glove (1979)

Sam Kellog (Sam’s favorite actor ever, John Saxon) was a cop, but now he’s a bounty hunter. Working for Bill Schwartz (Keenan Wynn, LaserblastThe Devil’s Rain!), a bail bondsman, he brings in lowlifes for low money. His biggest frustration is that his ex-wife is going to cut off visits with his daughter over missed alimony. Then he gets the chance to earn $20,000 from his old boss, Lt. Kruger.

The mark? Victor Hale (Rosey Grier, former football player, needlepoint expert and the man who subdued Sirhan Sirhan), an ex-con who is suspected of the murder of his former prison guards. While he was in the joint, they used a five-pound, leather and steel riot glove to brutalize him. Now, someone — probably him — is using it for revenge.

The movie switches between Kellog and Hale. Kellog’s life is a mess, while Hale is beloved by the people who live in the Section 8 housing alongside him. He’s a jazz musician and has found his place in life, even if he is killing all those old guards.

Finally, our protagonists battle one another, with Hale even giving Kellog the glove to use. Their fight ends in a draw, and they both collapse. Hale then rises and helps the bounty hunter to his feet, only to be shot by Kruger, who says that the bounty was for bringing in the man dead, not alive. Hale’s neighbors surround the evil cop and murder him.

The result? Kellog gets the bounty anyway and spends the day with his daughter.

This movie also features Joanna Cassidy (Who Framed Roger Rabbit?), Joan Blondell (The PhynxThe Blue Veil), Jack Carter (Alligator), Aldo Ray (Evils of the Night) and Michael Pataki (who is in probably more movies than anyone else we love other than Joh Saxon — witness Remo Williams: The Adventure BeginsHalloween 4The Return of Michael MyersGraduation DayDead and BuriedPink AngelsThe BabyAirport ’77 and many more).

It’s not a great movie, but it does have some fantastic posters. And sometimes, that’s all you need to watch it.