The TMZ crew is all back together –Harvey Levin, Charles Latibeaudiere, Fabian Garcia, Towanda Robinson. Katie Hayes and Eric Colley — yelling at one another and treating celebrities as if they are the most important thing in the world, just as you want them to.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye vs. Taylor Swift. The Rock vs. Vin Diesel. Drake vs. Meek Mill. Pete Davidson vs. PETA. The Jimmy Kimmel and Aaron Rodgers one feels pretty real, even if a lot of these other ones may not. Man, there are a lot of beefs, you know?

They made this before Drake’s Kendrick Lamar feud. Where’s the Tubi TMZ movie of that? They got that Donald Trump bullet to the ear one out fast. Where’s the important stuff? I need the TMZ crew to yell at each other and go deep into every lyric.

I am cursed to watch every Tubi Original and I am way behind. Please forgive me and the demons that have my soul under contract. I signed it in blood.

You can watch this on Tubi.

“I hate to say this, but dad’s fracking site may be a good thing this time.”

The Asylum sure loves disaster movies even if they never have the budget to pull it off.

Dr. Cami Weddle (Jessica Morris), a geologist named Dan (Quintin Mims) and her assistant and fiancee Finn (Canyon Prince) all believe that a faultline is about to split the United States in half worse than an election.

Her son Eric (Crew J. Morrow) and his girlfriend Brenda (Roxanne G.C. Brooks) are almost killed in a quake but saved by his mining father Alan (Chris Bruno), all while our heroine is arguing with her daughter Emily (Allison Gold), who wants to move in with dad. Yes, in the middle of this fault line split, there’s a family split in the Weddle household.

There really is a New Madrid Seismic Zone, even if it hasn’t had any quakes since the 1800s. But fracking has caused it to become dangerous and at the same time, all of this natural disaster death will bring back our married couple, unless a rival expert doesn’t nuke the fault. How would that fix anything?

Like every Asylum movie, a couple is on the outs, someone once made a mistake predicting another disaster, a governor (Alison Chace) is corrupt and pays for it with her life and the new fiancee just lets his love go, like a gender swapped Dr. Melissa Reeves.

Directed by Nick Lyon Writers and written by Gil Luna and Joe Roche, this ends in the cheesiest way possible and no one is really all that broken up about all the people who died. Bad relationships conquer all.

My wife asked me if I was reviewing this. I answered positively and she said, “I knew it. It sounds cheap. They couldn’t get good people for this.”

She should post reviews because they would be way meaner than mine.

You can watch this on Tubi.

At some point in the 70s, movies about people having an unusual affinity for animals, despite being unable to connect with other people, were big. There’s Willard and Stanley, for example. Or The Killer Snakes, a movie that — because it’s made in Hong Kong — goes harder on the idea.

Gwan Fu-Cheng (Chow Gat) has one of those restaurants that could never exist in the U.S., a place where snakes are kept and used for their different body parts to benefit people, like Hu Bao-Chun (Richard Chen Chun), who wants the gall bladder of a cobra in a drink to make his date swoon. She does not seem very impressed.

The snake is kept alive until another customer has a use for another body part, as many snakes are clinging to life. But the cobra escapes through his prison inside a wall to find Chen Chih-Hung (Kam Kwok-Leung), a young man who has been disturbed by a childhood filled with abuse by both of his parents. Chen Chih-Hung has no fear of this snake with a giant hole in its body and its innards exposed, as he picks it up bare-handed and stitches it up, naming it Lu Pao and giving it a home.

Chen Chih-Hung gets some good fortune, as he gets a new job and starts romancing Xiao Chuan (Maggie Li Lin-Lin). And oh yeah — he and Lu Pao help the rest of the snakes in Gwan Fu-Cheng’s business escape through the wall.

If all seems good, it can’t last. Our protagonist is mugged and ruins one of his delivery jobs, then Xiao Chuan’s father gets sick. She misses their standing date and he responds by trashing her booth in the shopping area. Again, all he has is Lu Pao.

Giving up on true love, he visits sex worker Zhang Jin-Yang (Helen Ko Ti-Han) and she decides to get more money out of him by sending the same men who beat him up before — they end up being her security — and they’re all surprised by the fact that Chen Chih-Hung walks around with a cobra. And that’s when our protagonist goes to an antagonist, as he kidnaps Zhang Jin-Yang. Now tied up in his snake lair, he plans on using her for the pleasure of himself and several of his snake friends. At the same time, Gwan Fu-Cheng figures out where his snakes have gone — to Chen Chih-Hung’s secret room — and he has to be killed as well. Chen Chih-Hung leaves the body of the sex worker and shopkeeper together and it seems like that’ll keep the cops off him.

As if things can’t get any worse, Xiao Chuan’s father dies and she can’t pay for anywhere to live. Her friend Fang Fang (Terry Lau Wei-Yue) works at a hostess bar where she turns tricks, so she gets her a job, but poor Xiao Chuan is a virginal innocent, which is what the man who drank Lu Pao’s gall bladder, Hu Bao-Chun, is ready to pay to destroy. You can only imagine how our snake loving murdering rapist feels about his one true love working in the sex industry.

“First he taught one snake, then hundreds more…then he trained them all the kill!” While major labels like Arrow Video and Shout! Factory release Shaw Brothers box sets, there are several of the movies that the studio put out that may never see the legitimate light of those big budget releases. This would be one of them.

Directed by Chih-Hung Kuei (Corpse Mania, Curse of Evil, The Boxer’s Omen) and written by Kuang Ni, this is a sleazy, filth-infested and often disgusting affair. Would you be surprised that I liked it?

At once a Shaw Brothers film, a Eurospy action movie and kind of like the Hong Kong Danger Diabolik, Temptress of a Thousand Faces is why I watch movies.

Officer Chi-ying (Tina Chin-Fei) is trying to hunt down the Temptress, who she publically dares to come after her. The Temptress agrees to this by stealing her identity, flirting with an entire club full of men and cleaning out a jewelry store while wearing Chi-ying’s face. Our heroine’s name gets cleared by her photographer boyfriend Inspector Yu (Liang Chen), who ends up being the one in peril when dealing with the titular villainess and her army of henchwomen.

Yes, the Temptress really does have a thousand masks, maybe even more, as well as an unlimited supplies of knockout gas and scantily clad women ready to answer her every command. This is a movie that at once has a strong female heroine and antagonist, but also one that has fan service aplenty, like the Temptress appearing being bathed by her handmaidens and Chi-ying fighting barefoot in a near see-through gown, but the men around them are such morons that they can’t help but shine, no matter how much of the male gaze gets thrown their way.

There’s a bomb that gets deactivated with seven seconds left — just like Goldfinger — as well as a volcano base — just like You Only Live Twice — and even the Bond theme playing just because, well, this movie is a riot and unafraid where it’s taking stuff from. That’s how good it is.

It all ends with Chi-ying battling the Temptress after she wears the face of our heroine and makes love to her man while she’s forced to watch. A twin adversary kung fu spectacle, topped only with our heroine and her reclaimed man shooting near thousands of bullets and wiping out an entire base full of dedicated domina female supertroopers.

I may not have any power over Arrow, but I know another Shawscope box set has to be coming. I dream that this and Infra-Man end up on it, movies that show that the Shaw Brothers made more than just their typically amazing kung fu movies.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Moira Cole (Shawnee Smith) lost nearly her entire family when her cousin Lee Morris went insane and killed them all, including her husband Dillon, donning the mask that has led to the media calling him the Skulleton. She tries to live her life afterward, but every October, another sequel to the slasher franchise made about her life story is released and reminds her of the horror that she barely endured.

Directed by Ante Novakovic and written by Anthony and James Gaudioso (who also appear in the film), this film shows how Skulleton survived, as he was rescued after being shot by Moria by his sister Sam (Taryn Manning) and has spent the last decade or more chained up in her basement, drugged out of his mind.

Moria’s sons Michael (Drew Moerlein) and Connor (James Gaudioso) have grown up alternately afraid and angry of the history of their family being known by everyone in the world. Their mother is still withdrawn but working through her emotions with therapist Dr. Lucien (Bruce Dern).

Meanwhile, as a new series of murders starts to happen, their family will have to deal with it all over again, as Detective Cyphers (Tyrese Gibson), Detective Fink (Kresh Novakovic) and James (Anthony Gaudioso) are asking questions.

This is an uneven film that starts with so much promise, feeling like Halloween, which is obvious, as well as Scream. The open is so good and the idea of processing the trauma of this family remains a great idea. However, this starts to crawl just when you want it to fly. I really wanted to love this and ended up barely enjoying it, which is a shame, because Smith is really good — even if she looks younger than her sons — and the killer looks intimidating if a bit too much Spirit Store.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Trinity (Stakiah Lynn Washington) goes by the name of Lady Bars and has dreamed of being a rapper since she was young. Working with her best friend Dante (Melvin Gray Jr.) as her producer, hype man and cheerleader, she finally gets to play her songs for her hero, Young Reckless (Terayle Hill). Sadly, she gets to perform on stage with him on the night that he dies.

Young Reckless’ label, Gold Volt Records, sees her video and watches it, as well as a video of her rapping the song “Sassy”, go viral and decide to add her to their artists, seemingly only to upset Ms. Halo (B. Simone), the label’s star rapper.

Trinity is living her dream, but it all seems like it could be a nightmare once she starts getting stalked and people around her start dying. Who is the giallo-style killer in the midst of the rap game? And is Trinity all good? Did she steal her songs? Or is she using Young Reckless’ lyrics that she found which were also stolen lyrics?

Directed and written by Michael A. Pinckney, this has every stereotype that you might expect, like a record label owner who is making millions but still likes to sell guns, a producer who falls in love with his latest star, an aging star who is mean at first but warms to the heroine and an ending that seemingly sets up a sequel.

That said, “Sassy” is a pretty good song, but I don’t know if I’d kill anyone if they stole it from me.

You can watch this on Tubi.

EDITOR’S NOTE: He’s My Girl was on the CBS Late Movie on March 9, 1990.

David Hallyday was born in France as the son of singers Sylvie Vartan and Johnny Hallyday and became a star in Europe before he was signed to Scotti Brothers. The Scotti Brothers movie division decided to put him in one of their movies. After all, they had already named another of their films, Lady Beware, after one of his songs. Or maybe he wrote a song with that name. But hey — he has a song in that Pittsburgh-made American giallo. This would be the third Scotti Brothers movie I’ve seen — along with Eye of the Tiger — named for a song by one of their music artists.

There is no song for In the Shadow of Kilimanjaro.

There is a David Halladay song, “He’s My Girl.”

“Thought it was love for the first time
Did not know what I had in store
Big arms, big legs, big feet
But I could not see
Just what she hid behind her door

And my heart stopped
And my blood pressure dropped
Oh what a shock
You know he’s my girl
I’m a good man
So when she held my hand
That’s when I knew
That he’s my girl”

Hallyday plays a singer named Bryan, who wins a contest to go to Los Angeles. He wants to bring his best friend and manager Reggie (T. K. Carter, Nauls from The Thing), but has to bring a girl with him. Seeing as how it’s 1987 and no one would be upset by this or too smart to not make a movie about it, Reggie becomes Regina and shocks everyone in L.A. that people in Missouri can date across the color line.

Reggie falls for music assistant Tasha (Misha McK), who is trying to keep metal dude Simon Sledge (Warwick Sims) in line. As for Bryan, he falls for sculptor Lisa (Jennifer Tilly) who shows up on a motorcycle and kept me from fast forwarding through this movie.

Reggie/Regina is at once Flip Wilson’s Geraldine, the Three Stooges and Jerry Lewis, down to doing dialogue from them. As for Bryan, he’s a French singer trying to play an American innocent.

Everything you think will happen happens. Will evil music manager Mason Morgan (David Clennon) fall for Regina, despite being super racist? Will 80s hot tub girl Becky LeBeau show up? Will everyone end up happy after some confusion?

This was directed by Gabrielle Beaumont, one of the first women to break through and direct American prime time TV. She worked on everything from Baywatch and Melrose Place to Miami Vice, Dynasty, Hart to Hart and Beastmaster III: The Eye of Braxus. She also directed Death of a Centerfold: The Dorothy Stratten Story and The Godsend.

He’s My Girl was written by Charles F. Bohl (Swimfan), Taylor Ames, Myrica Taylor, Terence H. Winkless (who wrote The Howling and directed The Nesting) and Fireside Theater founder Peter Bergman.

As you can imagine, this is the kind of movie that if people saw it today, they’d be enraged. Then again, this is also kind of fan fiction of The Thing, as you get numerous scenes of Palmer sexually harassing Nauls.

Somehow, Scotti Brothers Records were able to get “Mississippi Queen” by Mountain, “Wild Thing” by The Troggs, “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” by The Rolling Stones, “Neutron Dance” by The Pointer Sisters and “New Attitude” by Patti LaBelle in this. What was the music budget like?

Of all those songs, “Copper Colored Gal” by Joe Pizzulo — who sang on the Sérgio Mendes songs “Never Gonna Let You Go” and “Alibis” — seems out of place. Yes, I know it’s a Cab Calloway standard, but hearing “Copper, copper, copper, copper colored gal of mine!” as a black man dresses like a woman is a bit disconcerting. 

You can watch this on YouTube.