“I want to suck… Oh, hello kiddies. You caught me in the middle of my homework. Your old pal the Crypt Keeper’s a real believer in continuing dead-ucation. Which brings us to tonight’s murderous morsel. It’s a juicy little tale about a real blood sucker who never learned to go for the jugular. I call this plasma play “The Reluctant Vampire.””

Directed by Elliot Silverstein (The Car, A Man Called Horse) and written by Terry Black (Dead Heat), this stars Malcolm McDowell as Daniel Longtooth, a vampire who choose to get his fix from the blood bank he works at. It’s run by Mr. Crosswhite (George Wendt) and he takes every chance to be rude and mean to his workforce, saving his sexual harassment for Sally (Sandra Dickinson).

It turns out that Daniel is drinking so much that the blood bank is in danger of going out of business. He decides that he must use his vampire abilities to get victims and refill the plasma to save the job of Sally, who he is in love with.

Meanwhile, the police — led by Detective Robinson (Paul Gleason, forever a jerk in every movie) — have brought in Rupert Van Helsing (Michael Berryman, looking like Judge Doom) to hunt down the vampire who they believe is haunting the streets, draining muggers and low level criminals of their blood. What complicates matters is that Mr. Crosswhite knows that Daniel is a vampire and is using him to fix his business.

Maybe Sally knows too, as we find out in this episode’s happy ending.

Terry Black wrote five episodes of this show, including three using the name Donald Longtooth. Yes, the same last name as the character in this episode.

I’m not a fan of the total comedy episodes of this show, but what can you do?

This episode is based on “The Reluctant Vampire!” from Vault of Horror #20. It was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Jack Davis.

“Welcome aboard, fright-seers! Looking for a little hell-iday fun? You’ve come to the right place! We specialize in all sorts of hackage tours! (cackles) So what will it be? A few days in a scream park? Or would you like me to book you into a nice, quiet dead and breakfast? Or perhaps you’d like to go treasure haunting like my friend, Red. He wants to steal a priceless black pearl in a tasteless tidbit I call: “Dead Wait.””

Red Buckley (James Remar) and his partner Charlie (Paul Anthony Weber) have been planning to steal a black pearl from plantation owner Emilie Duvall (John Rhys-Davies). There’s not much time, because the island where Duvall lives is about to be taken over by a revolution. So Red kills Charlies as they argue and decides to get the pearl for himself. He then meets Emilie at a bar — he’s pretty sickly, as he’s filled with water worms that have carved tunnels through his skin — along with the man’s much younger wife Kathrine (Vanity), who seduces the crook and they decide to kill her husband and split the pearl. The problem? Emilie has a worker named Peligre (Whoopi Goldberg) who does voodoo and plans on taking care of Red.

If you’re wondering how gross this one is going to get, well, Emilie has swallowed the pearl and Red has to dig through his worm-filled corpse to find it. That’s what you get when Tobe Hooper directs! But seriously, this is an intriguing episode.

It was written by Gilbert Adler, who also wrote Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice and directed and wrote Bordello of Blood.

There’s also a scene afterward where the Crypt Keeper has a talk show and interviews Whoopi.

Crypt Keeper: Oooh. Talk about being headed off at the pass. We’ve got a guest, kiddies. Whoopi! It’s a pleasure to meet you. I want you to know that I loved your movie The Killer Purple.

Whoopi: That’s Color Purple, Crypt Keeper.

Crypt Keeper: Oh! Right. Well, um, congratulations on winning that Academy A-weird.

Whoopi: Well thanks, but it’s actually called an Academy Award.

Crypt Keeper: Whatever. Look, it’s a pleasure to meet a big star like you.

Whoopi: Now, you’re a pretty big star. I mean, I’d love it if you would be in my next film.

Crypt Keeper: Really?

Whoopi: (pulls out a machete) Yeah, it’s just a bit part.

Crypt Keeper: I’m flattered!

Whoopi: But you don’t know what bit I want.

Crypt Keeper: Well, as long as I don’t wind up on the cutting room floor!

Whoopi: (Points the machete at him) Okay!

Crypt Keeper: (Gasps)

Whoopi: (Smiles at the camera)

This episode is based on “Dead Wait!” from Vault of Horror #23. It was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Jack Davis.

“Good evening, culture vultures and welcome to another installment of Mash-to-Pieces Theater. Tonight we ask the question – ‘To be or not to be?’ Or in this case, an actor stuck with an average face who’s so sick and tired of auditioning he’s willing to do almost anything! Did I say almost? I call this sickening saga “Top Billing.”

Barry Blye (Jon Lovitz) is a struggling actor — “Acting!” as he would bellow as The Master Thespian — who is angry that an old classmate by the name of Winton Robbins (Bruce Boxleitner) is wasting his skills by doing commercials. Barry has the dream of being in Hamlet, yet he is destroyed when his agent (Louise Fletcher) leaves him, his girlfriend Lisa (Kimmy Robertson) breaks up with him and director Nelson Halliwell (John Astin) picks Winston over him.

Of course, Barry kills Winton, only to learn that he was playing Yorick and not Hamlet. As for the director and other actors, they are all escaped mental patients (including Sandra Bernhard) and they needed a skull for the show. Barry’s skull is perfect for the part, even if Nelson once doubted his look.

Directed by Todd Holland, who is from Kitanning, PA and helped create The Larry Sanders Show, Malcolm In The Middle and Wonderfalls, and written by Myles Berkowitz (who directed, wrote and appeared as himself in the documentary 20 Dates), this is a pretty fun episode.

This episode is based on “Top Billing,” which was in Vault of Horror #39. It was written by Carl Wessler and drawn by Reed Crandall. The comic story has the actors being in the early 1800s and Blye killing Winton and Nash, his fellow actors, before learning that he was not in a theater. He was at the Woltham Insane Asylum for Actors and they needed his skull.

Stephen Hopkins never gets discussed all that much but he directed Dangerous Game, Judgement Night, A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child, Lost in Space, The Ghost and the Darkness and Predator 2. Those are some pretty big efforts and he directs TV today but you’d think people would talk more about his films. He worked with writer Jim Birge, who he helped found student comedy clubs at UCLA and University of California at Irvine (UCI) that had Shane Black, Fred Dekker, Ed Solomon and Tom Martin as members. This is the only thing he ever wrote.

“Ah! A corpse by any other name would smell as sweet. Unless of course, it isn’t dead yet! (cackles) Tonight’s tawdry tale is about a man who’s gravely concerned about matters of life and death. Why he’d care about that remains to be seen. (cackles lightly) I call this putrid piece: “Abra Cadaver.””

Carl Fairbanks (Tony Goldwyn) once played a park on his brother Martin (Beau Bridges) that left him permanently weak on one side of his body and paralyzed his hand. Martin is now just a medical researcher while his brother has become a rich surgeon. That’s why Martin heads to Haiti and learns about an experimental drug called Suspensor that gives Carl the feeling of being dead while still being alive. Well, as you can imagine, things don’t work all that well for anyone.

There is a “Danger Will Robinson!” reference to Lost In Space — Hopkins would go on to make the 1998 movie — and Night of the Living Dead, as it opens with Carl and Martin as kids being surrounded by corpses that come back to life in black and white.

Based on the story “Dead Right” from Tales from the Crypt #37, this story was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Jack Davis.

Directed by Michael J. Fox and written by Scott Alexander (Big Eyes, Ed Wood), “The Trap” has Lou  (Bruce McGill) and Irene Paloma (Teri Garr) faking his death for insurance money. The problem is that he goes away to Brazil and while there, his brother Billy (Bruno Kirby) steals his girl. Sound like a giallo? Well, there mom is played by Carroll Baker.

“Greetings, bores and ghouls. I’ll be with you as soon as I finish with this customer. We were just going over some of the terms of his coverage. I’ll bet this is one clause he won’t be getting out of. Tonight’s nasty nugget concerns a man with a problem. He wants to collect on his life insurance without dying in the process. I call this little annuity: “The Trap.””

Fox had already worked with producer Robert Zemeckis on Back to the Future. Lou works for Zemeckis Pizza and Fox shows up as the prosecutor at the end, as Lou has changed his identity and looks, getting arrested and executed for his own murder. Another McFly-related actor is in this. Sergeant McClaine is played by James Tolkan, who played Mr. Strickland.

Lou’s horrible, so you don’t dislike his brother and wife for having an affair or making out on top of his coffin with him inside. In fact, you kind of want them to be able to get away from the evil Lou and just enjoy their life and love. This is a fun episode and Fox only directed one other time, as he did an episode of the TV show Brooklyn Bridge.

This episode is based on “The Trap” from Shock SuspenStories #18. In that story, the wife is in charge and the husband is forced to be in the crime, along with an undertaker who has an affair with the domineering spouse. It was written by Carl Wessler and drawn by Jack Kamen.

Directed by Tom Mankiewicz, who wrote Diamonds Are Forever, Live and Let Die, The Man With the Golden Gun and the first two Superman movies, and written by Joseph Minion (After Hours, Vampire’s Kiss) and John Mankiewicz, “Loved to Death” is the first episode of season three.

“Dying for a date? Aching for a little prick of… (fires an arrow into the statue’s heart, which bleeds) -passion? Well, be careful what you what you wish for, or like the young man in tonight’s terror tale, you may just get it! I call this nauseating number: “Loved to Death.””

Edward Foster (Andrew McCarthy) is a screenwriter in love with an actress, Miranda Singer (Mariel Hemingway), who doesn’t notice him. However, his landlord Mr. Stronham (David Hemmings) gives him a love potion, but that only makes things worse, because now Miranda won’t stop loving him. The problem is that there love goes beyond until death do us part.

While many claim this is a remake of The Twilight Zone episode “The Chaser.” That was based on a story by John Collier, which Al Feldstein and William Gaines definitely stole for the story “Loved to Death” that was drawn by Jack Kamen and appears in Tales From the Crypt #25.

We’ve hit the last episode of season 2 of Tales from the Crypt. Are you still out there reading?

This is based on one of the most reused plots in EC Comics: an orphan gets adopted by potentially evil parents but the twist ending changes it all up for everyone.

The Crypt Keeper starts it off by saying, “”What?! So where’s the twist? And I had such great expectations. Ah, now here is a story you can sink your teeth into. A toothsome tale of tommyrot guaranteed to scare the dickens out of you! Lean in, fright fans. I’m going to let you in on “The Secret.””

Theodore (Mike Simmrin) has left the Gaines Orphanage — get it? — and adopted by Colberts (Grace Zabriskie and William Frankfather) who give him whatever he wants but never let him leave his room. His only friend is the butler Tobias (Larry Drake) who was also an orphan. They’ve been sweetening his blood because, well, they’re vampires. But the secret is that he’s really a werewolf.

This episode was directed by J. Michael Riva, who only directed one other thing — an episode of Amazing Stories — and was mainly a production designer. It was written by Doug Ronning, who only wrote this script and one other episode of the show. It’s the second appearance of Larry Drake, who was memorably Santa in the second episode.

The story comes from “The Secret” which was in Haunt of Fear #24. That story was written by Carl Wessler and drawn by George Evans.

This is a wonderful episode to close the season out on. I’ll be back next week with the first episode of season three, “Loved to Death.”

Directed by Peter S. Seaman (his only directing job, as he was the writer of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Doc Hollywood and Who Framed Roger Rabbit?) who co-wrote it with Jeffrey Price (they also wrote those films together), “My Brother’s Keeper” is about cojoined twins Frank (Tim Stack) and Eddie (Jonathan Stark).

“Are you alone tonight? Well, consider yourself lucky…there could be two of you! And imagine what a fright-mare that could be. Just a reflection. Not so for tonight’s stars, Frank and Eddie. Two brothers who are touchingly close. When a woman tries to come between them, she finds herself caught in a tangled web of jealousy and intrigue. I think you’ll find it a twinning combination. So without futher ado, I bring you “My Brother’s Keeper.””

Frank is the good twin and Eddie the evil one. A doctor can get them apart, but there’s a fifty percent chance they’ll die, so Frank won’t undergo the operation. Frank falls for a girl named Maria (Jessica Harper!) who was actually hired by Eddie to push for the operation, even if Eddie keeps screwing up their dates and love life. He finally kills her with an axe which causes Frank to try and overdose on sleeping pills. When they wake up, they’ve been operated on, but who will the police arrest?

This episode is based on the story of the same name from Shock SuspenStories #16. It was written by William Gaines and Al Felder and drawn by George Evans.

Kids today have no idea who Morton Downey Jr. was. Seriously, Jerry Springer has taken on the role of being the first trash TV host but there was nothing like Morton when he was on TV. He started his in your face style as a talk show host at KFBK-AM in Sacramento, California. He was fired and replaced by Rush Limbaugh.

The Morton Downey Jr. Show started as a local show on New York’s WOR Channel 9 in 1987 and was syndicated for two years. It was a fad, but at the time, he was a big star blowing smoke in people’s faces and yelling his catchphrases.

By 1990, he was an actor.

Directed by former stuntman Charlie Picerni, “Television Terror” has Downey as Horton Rivers, a person with a show a lot like the show that the real Downey hosted. He’s touring the haunted Ritter House where Ada (Jeannie Epper) killed at least twelve people. Even when warned by an expert in ghosts, Rivers takes his entire crew into the house and pays for it.

Downey would play another character just like this — and just like Morton Downey Jr. — when he was Tony Pope in Predator 2.

This episode is based on “Television Terror!” from The Haunt of Fear #17. It was written and drawn by Harvey Kurtzman. It’s different than what is in the show, but as good as this episode is, Kurtzman is so much better.