What if they made a budget-friendly version of Hardcore that featured Barbara Crampton as Bonnie, a woman searching for her sister who has been lost in the Los Angeles world of cinema? And what if Dr. Pepper Werewolf David Naughton played tough cop Vince McCarthy, the only man who can help her find her sister, Debbie (Kimberly Evenson, Inga from Porky’s Revenge) escape the clutches of maybe Hugh Hefner but named Victor Nardi (Elvis’ stunt double Lance LeGault), because it’s cool to make Italian stereotypical bad guys even in 2025. And what if Jimmie Walker played a porn store employee? And how about if Charles Napier was the angry cop boss?

This is that movie.

It’s the kind of movie where the cop and the girl sneak onto a porn set and almost have to act in it, with one of the bad guys asking to look at Vince’s cock, who unzips away from Bonnie and then the scumbag replies, “Holy Christ! What do you feed that monster?” Where everyone suddenly knows kung fu. And can we get a role for Robert Dryer, the evil Jake from Savage Streets, please?

Who would make something like this?

Howard Avedis, that’s who.

The man who gave us They’re Playing With Fire, Separate Ways, Mortuary, The Teacher, The Specialist, The Stepmother, Dr. Minx, Scorchy, The Fifth Floor and Texas Detour. A drive-in guy made good, who also realized exactly what Hardcore was missing.

A chimpanzee roommate for the cop.

The cop has a monkey that lives with him and that monkey straight up walks in on a nearly fully nude Barbara Crampton, who just laughs it off. Oh, what a cute little guy! When he just came in, eating a banana, I didn’t know what was happening. That’s the kind of movie this is.

A film that ends with a victim who should be far away from the bad guy somehow getting a gun and killing him in front of tons of cops, who had to have been rock hard watching her kill a man with no due process.

This is why I don’t get to have film series at local theaters: if I did, I would totally pick Kidnapped and stand before audiences, telling them the mystery of moviemaking and preparing them for it. But I couldn’t. In no way could I get them ready. Additionally, there would be no audience, because who, other than me, wants to watch this?

You can watch this on YouTube.