Ninjas. “Life means nothing to them,” says Mister Tanaka, a man who shows up in this wearing an outfit like my dad in the mid 80s, a striped red polo and short shorts.

If you ask IFD what this Joe Law directed and written movie is about, they’d say, “A Japanese scientist tries to conceal a deadly formula, but an undead ace and his ninja devils are determined to use it to cause mischief and mayhem. It is up to Lung, a master of the lost art of Hocus Pocus, to keep evil at bay and prevent mass destruction on a global scale.”

Sure, maybe.

IMDB lists the director as Chi Lo, who used the name Joe Law to make Crippled Masters and Lo Ke to direct Deadly Hands of Kung Fu.  Seeing as how this was produced by Joseph Lai and Betty Chan, all bets are off.

Or maybe this is the same movie as American Commando Ninja and combines a Taiwanese TV show, another movie called Born a Ninja and the kind of dialogue that only can come from a 1980s dubbed into incomprehension ninja movie can give you. Or it’s Silent Killers. It could have so many titles and it would still be hard to tell you what happened.

Let me try.

Mister Tanaka has a secret formula from World War II that just could destroy the world. That much is true. Two women want the formula and they are Becky, who wears a yellow vest and Confederate flag shorts, but I think that means she’s into late 70s and early 80s redneck trends in America a little too late as they move across the globe and isn’t racist like my neighbor who wears short shorts and throws away all his kids toys after his wife took them and also has a huge Southern Cross up on his garage wall despite being an Italian man in Southwestern Pennsylvania. Did I go on a tangent? Becky is joined by Brenda, who loves denim so much she’s wearing it on the top and bottom. They’re joined by master of the hocus pocus style, Larry, which involves your everyday kung fu but also the ability to shoot fire out of his fingertips.

As for the bad guy ninja, that’s Meng Fei, who was also in the Ninja Death trilogy, Night Orchid, Everlasting Chivalry, The Sun Moon Legend and Middle Kingdom’s Mark of Blood. He’s pretty amazing in the last fight scene.

Anyways, Mister Tanaka keeps dreaming of dead people that were killed by this secret back in the war and the secret is a mirrored mustache that you put on a devil mask. There’s also a white ninja named David who battles Larry before they decide to be friends, get a room and drink beer and eat fried cabbage.

Or maybe that was the last movie? Have years of drinking, substances and Godfrey Ho movies dulled my reason and when confronted by this synth-scored shot on video wonder my mind just wanders in between different martial worlds, unsure of all the things I’ve seen, all the ninja deaths I’ve felt as if they were my own? In truth, the only important thing is that ninjas can become straw men and that you can swallow a sword in the middle of a fight and live.

I do know one thing. When David sees Larry hanging out with the two ladies, he says, “Two chicks? You one animal!” That’s exactly how I felt.

You can watch this on Tubi.