April 13: Kayfabe Cinema — A movie with a pro wrestler in it.
Look, I love Grace Jones more than most members of my extended family. Robert Vaughn? A huge fan. Sam Firstenberg? I’ve bought his movies Revenge of the Ninja, Avenging Force, American Ninja, Ninja 3: The Domination and Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo multiple times.
Yet here they are in a movie that stars Hulk Hogan.
Unlike the Rock, John Cena, Dave Batista and even Pat Roach and Hard Boiled Haggerty, Hulk Hogan has never really been able to go from wrestling superstar — trust me, other than maybe Steve Austin, no one in their prime in my lifetime was a bigger deal — to movie star, despite the promise of Rocky 3. Yes, the Vince McMahon No Holds Barred is filled with dookie, quite literally, but there’s really never been a movie where Hogan has ever been anything other than Hogan, the same man who claimed that Darren Aronofsky offered him the lead in The Wrestler, that Andre died a few days after he slammed him at Wrestlemania 3 and not six years later, that he partied with John Belushi four years after his death at the after party for Wrestlemania 2…I can go on. Also, this is the same Hulk Hogan who used a racial slur about a man his daughter was dating while half naked in a sex tape with his best friend’s wife that was being taped by the aforementioned buddy.
This has jet skis and Jeeps yet is not Thunder In Paradise — messing with him is like rolling the dice — nor is it the movie that started that program, Assault On Devil’s Island. Does it have Brutus Beefcake, the one-time Baron Beefcake, The Booty Man, Big Brother Booty, Brother Bruti, Brute Force, The Butcher, The Clipmaster, Dizzy Hogan, Dizzy Golden, The Disciple, Ed Boulder, Ed Golden, Eddie Hogan, The Mariner, The Man With No Name, The Man With No Name, Furface and The Zodiac? Yes and it has The Giant as well. The Hulkster did not have time or the stroke, one assumes, to find parts for Brian Knobbs, Jerry Saggs or Greg Valentine.
That said, The Giant’s name in this is Little Snowflake.
This is a movie that has Hulk Hogan — I mean Joe McGrai — find a treasure map carved into the shell of a turtle. He also has a bird named Willy that he rescues when his house blows up by literally grabbing him in his fist and someone the bird’s bones are destroyed, brother.
This is a movie where Robert Vaughn’s name is spelled Vaughan in the credits and Grace Jones quotes Darth Vader talking to Boba Fett when he said, “He’s no good to me dead.” It ends with Hogan adopting two tiger cubs and if we learned anything from Joe Exotic over quarantine, it’s that anyone can start a sex cult. I mean, no one, most germanely Hulk Hogan, should ever own a tiger cub.
I may still be watching this movie as you read this, because that’s how long the boat chase scene is. It feels like that whole theory of Hell, in that one second in eternal hellfire is a year of our time, so that scene is still going and I’m stuck in it and may never escape.
After this, Hogan was in Assault on Death Mountain with Martin Kove, Shannon Tweed, Carl Weathers and Lisa Scrage, Mary Lou Maloney herself; The Ultimate Weapon with Beefcake and 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, which has Victor Wong, Loni Anderson and Jim Varney. This is where I mention that 3 Ninjas: Knuckle Up was directed by Shin Sang-ok, who was abducted by Kim Jong-il and forced to make Pulgasari.
Today, Hulk Hogan sits in his beach store and meets fans. I wonder if Grace Jones ever thinks about this time in her life.