TUBI EXCLUSIVE: Marry F*** Kill (2023)

Marry F*** Kill is a game — I’ve always called it F*** Marry Kill — that was first discussed in the mid 2000s, but it presents a question of what person would you marry for life, who would you have sex with just once and who would you kill. It’s a silly game, but as this new movie tells us, it has its roots in an ancient Wiccan ritual known as Bed, Bind, Bury. The idea of this made me laugh so loud and heartily that it made this entire movie worth it. What a concept!

Five estranged college friends — Grant (Jedidiah Goodacre, Dorian Grey on Chilling Adventures of Sabrina), Paige (Maxine Denis), Simon (Robbie G.K.), Helen (Cynthia Jimenez-Hicks) and Vickie (Deanna Jarvis) — reunite for Beth’s (Devin Cecchetto) funeral after her suicide. Of course, before we get there, we watch Beth conduct a ritual praying to Asmodeus while we see her friends all having group sex. She’s staring at a photo of Grant while she extinguishing the candles, steps away from a pentagram and slices her throat.

In the Testament of Solomon, Asmodeus is said to have human mother and an angel father. In The Lower Key of Solomon, it’s said that he is is “strong, powerful and appears with three heads; the first is like a bull, the second like a man, and the third like a ram; the tail of a serpent, and from his mouth issue flames of fire.” In nearly all appearances of this demon, his is connected to the sin of lust.

The five all arrive in the town of Cedar Grove, the kind of small town where a cop warns them to leave and where the Gref House, Beth’s family mansion, is described as somewhere you don’t want to go to. That same officer also thinks he knows Grant, who thinks that he’s never been in this little hick town before.

They’re met by Stephanie Greffen (Tanya Clarke), Beth’s aunt, who takes them into Gref House and offers to allow them to stay there. The main reason they’re there — beyond claiming to want to attend her funeral — is because Beth’s lawyer told them that they would all be in her will. Then, Stephanie leaves them with some joints rolled with her personal crop, which lies at the intersection of two ley lines. Some believe that these lines were drawn between important structures as trade routes created by ancient British societies while others believe they mark magical powers and energies. Or, as Stephanie says, they’re “conduits of the supernatural and earthly energies.” Before she leaves, she tells the five that her special strain can do some weird things, so go easy when they smoke these sticks.

When they check out the house, they find Beth’s room, which is filled with photos of them in happier times. As we meet the characters, Helen seems like the freespirited one with purple hair, Paige the shy and quiet one, Simon and Vickie the superficial two of the circle and Grant the mysterious and haunted protagonist.

Grant sulks around the house and remembers better times with Beth, as they make out and she asks him to play marry f*** kill with him, leading to her saying that she wants to wait until marriage to make love. As he keeps thinking of the past, his finger is stabbed by the thorns of a dryed out flower.

You can imagine, of course, that everyone has darker memories of the past and how everyone pretty much slept with one another. And now when photos are taken within the house, strange ghost images start showing up. Well, show up, that is, when everyone isn’t doing the same thing they did in the past, with Vickie and Grant making love in Beth’s room. It seems from flashbacks that those two living up to the middle part of marry f*** kill is what doomed their friendships.

Then Grant calls Vickie Beth, and, well, you should never call a girl worried about another woman that woman’s name. If I ever give you any advice, take that piece.

Vickie heads off into the woods, gets followed by something growling and then blood sprays all over a tree. She never shows up for the funeral the next day, which is in a gigantic church that completely seems out of place in this small town.

At that funeral, Stephanie reveals to Grant that the Grefs are a powerful clan that have been dealing with tragedy for generations. She also claims that Grant has powers which allow him to see and feel things that others can’t; he’s susceptible to the dark arts just like Beth was and he needs to run away from this place and never look back.

That night, everyone decides to smoke those magical chronic and it’s so potent that Beth shows up, sitting next to Grant, and only he can see her. She takes him outside, they dance the forbidden polka and while she’s grinding on top, she yells, “Give it to me” so many times that her voice becomes demonic. He wakes up naked in the back yard; man, I need to get an eighth of this Satanic sticky icky.

Also: For those of you playing at home, this has more male nudity than female to the point that I was wondering of director Caroline Labrèche is really David DeCoteau.

The will gets read and Stephanie gets land from Beth while the rest of the group gets all of her money and the house, along with Beth’s wish that “May my house and the beds in it bind you together and bury the troubles that once tore us apart.”  This upsets Beth’s aunt, who says that it can’t be right. She stands up and says that if they stay, Beth has doomed them all.

That night, the four remaining find a room with a leather bound book that claims that the Grefs were one of the original families descended from a necomonical sect of Asmodeus, founded in the Dark Tern of 1432. They were the foremost magicians of Soot, the long-lost art of demonic jurisdiction. One of Beth’s ancestors was named Abigail and it’s at this point — even before a photo of someone who looks like Grant is in the book — that I would get out of this house. Demonic books never works out. Take it from someone who has a bunch in his basement.

You’d do the same if you found an attic full of bones, right?

This is the kind of movie where people say things like, “The veil between life and death is diaphanous,” which is why I keep watching movies like this and the people stick around until they all start dying and pregnant ghosts with demon voices just roll by to bid you good evening.

Anyways, spoiler warning, but one of the five is Asmodeus and she had made some magic love spell to keep Beth and Grant together in the next life, but everyone ate it and had that wild orgy. Can two guys and two girls even be an orgy any longer and do the rules for group sex versus orgy follow the same need to have as many people as a mass shooting (four or more) and why is gun violence so omnipotent when we should just all be having sex? Anyways, I’m also for sure this has to be DeCoteau-influenced because more time is shown of Grant and Simon kissing than Paige and Helen. That’s what ruined everything for our friiends in this story, in case you were wondering.

So yeah. Beth Gref and Grant Faodhagain were always destined to be together and Beth called on Asmodeus to bring them together forever. Paige never existed because she’s always been a demon and wow, this movie got way deeper than I ever expected. And more occult, as there’s a ritual with dead bodies, knife to the throat sacrifices and more pentagrams than a Motley Crue bootleg t-shirt.

But that’s not the end. There’s still one more final turn that must happn.

Marry F*** Kill is way better than the title of the film would lead you to think. Labrèche has a good eye for putting a movie together and the script by Aaron Martin and Ian Carpenter (the Slasher series, the two new Terror Train films) gets in so much of what works in low budget genre filmmaking and feels pretty unapologetic for it. It looks really well made, so maybe $3 million gets you so much more in Quebec.

You can watch this on Tubi.

One thought on “TUBI EXCLUSIVE: Marry F*** Kill (2023)

  1. Pingback: What’s Up in the Neighborhood, April 8 2023 – Chuck The Writer

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.