JESS FRANCO MONTH: Phalo Crest (1987)

Not every Jess Franco movie was directed by Jess. I mean, not every Stephen King book is, supposedly. I’ve heard Tabitha King may have written a few of his books or at the very least the central ideas. That’s how strong reltionships work. Well, Lina Romay, Jess’s muse, directed this while he wrote it, composed the music and probably just about anything else that had to get done.

In case you didn’t get it from the title, this is Jess and Lina making Falcon Crest but with porn, just like how Phollastía is Dynasty. Angela Channing (definitely not Jane Wyman) has brought the entire family to the wine fields to share the secret of their success: the wine is mixed with, well, look it’s a Jess Franco movie. It’s mixed with baby batter, so to speak. When mixed with wine, that guy gravy has the tendency to drug people and that’s how Angela takes over her entire family’s will.

In case that wasn’t enough, a small dog licks a man’s ass. I have no idea why this is in the movie, as I don’t remember that ever happening to Lance Cumson, despite his name. Also: incest, in case you were wondering if Franco wouldn’t go down that route.

I have no idea why there’s no Dallas by Jess and Lina. I can only imagine what’s in the oil.

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