Lanetli kadinlar (1990)

That title means Bloody Mansion Death and A Knife for Seven Cursed Women and man, this movie is… well, it’s something. For one, it looks like a shot on video 1990s adult film but one with no penetration and featuring its entirely female — save for a man in the beginning — cast in lingerie for its entire running time, except when they’re not showering. Is director and writer Kadir Akgün the Turkish Jim Wynorski?

Seven women — a lingerie model (Silver Türk), a sex worker (Ayşin Soylu), a belly dancer (Ayla Tuncer), a homemaker (Hicran) an actress (Hülya Konuk), an ingenue (Figen Aydoğdu) and an ex-wife (Nur İncegül) — have all received the same letter from the same old man banker lover.  They are to come to his mansion and get a gift that’s only for them. What, the lead role in his movie Audra?

When they get there — all by boat, of course — he’s already dead in the bushes. Instead of doing the sensible thing and getting out of there, they all start fighting and then decide to all put on lingerie, which is kind of what you do when you’re a fancy underwear model, but these ladies all have different jobs. They do all shop at Frederick’s and not Victor’s Secret if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Then the news comes on — it uses the theme from Raiders of the Lost Ark because of course it does — and then they all get a bloody note: “You are all going to die!” One of them dies quickly and everyone runs outside to get a weapon instead of you know, getting the fuck out of there. They also all put on fresh lingerie.

With each death — by poisoned liquor, by garotte, by poisoned food, by necktie, oh man this killer has just a few tricks until someone else gets shot and another gets stabbed — the girls drag the dead body to a room, cover it with a sheet and keep partying. There’s also a Psycho shower scene that turns sapphic, accompanied by the theme from Jaws.

A Turkish SOV giallo/Sorority House Massacre ripoff with hardcoded Greek subtitles starring big-haired 80s women all screaming at the top of their lungs at one another for forty-five fifth generation video quality minutes until one is killed. Fuck you James Cameron, this is my Avatar 2.

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