A CHRISTMAS STORY: A Christmas Story 2 (2012)

If you love A Christmas Story, avoid this movie.

Six years later, fifteen-year-old Ralphie Parker (Braeden Lemasters) wants a 1939 Mercury Eight convertible, not a Red Ryder BB gun, but he crashes the car when he goes to look at it. That means that he, Flick (David W. Thompson) and Schwartz (David Buehrle) must get jobs including working at Higbee’s.

Directed by Brian Levant (who made the sequels Problem Child 2Problem Child 3Beethoven’s Big Break and The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas — to be fair, he also made the first Beethoven and The Flintstones — and written by Nat Mauldin who had the sheer balls to pull a Jean Shepherd and narrate this, A Christmas Story 2 is everything the original movie is not, a film that just plays up moments like rememberberries and cheapens them.

Daniel Stern plays the Old Man, which is kind of funny because his narration on The Wonder Years was directly ripped off from Shepherd’s voice over in A Christmas Story while Stacey Travis plays mom and Valin Shinyei plays Randy, who dresses like Buck Rogers for most of the running time. It also says that “The Genuine, Authentic, 100% American Christmas is Back” and this was filmed in British Columbia. It takes every genuine moment of the first film and fan fictions it so that everything happens again, all looking horrible and not warm and well-made like Bob Clark and Jean Shepherd once gave us. Everyone involved with this should get coal for the rest of their life.

I own this movie and hate that it is in my house.

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