TUBI PICKS 24

What’s on Tubi? A lot. Let’s find what’s good this week.

1.  Curse of the Crimson Altar: TUBI LINK

Barbara Steele leads wild orgies of death and psychedelic mayhem.  I mean, is there anything else worth your time in this world? This is everything.

2. The Astro-Zombies: TUBI LINK

“With just a touch of my burning handI’m gonna live my life to destroy your worldPrime directive, exterminate The whole fuckin’ race”

Tura Satana means more to me than 90% of this world. If she asked me to become a zombie controlled by a flashlight, I’d buy her the batteries.

3. The Black Belly of the Tarantula: TUBI LINK

A mysterious killer is killing women who were involved with a blackmail scheme, using a needle to paralyze them before he slices their stomachs open, the same way a tarantula kills a wasp. Yes, this is the roughest of giallo, but along the way, you have Barbara Bach, Claudine Auger and the goddess on this mudball who is Barbara Bouchet. Also a Morricone score.

4. Toys Are Not for Children: TUBI LINK

For a movie with no hardcore sex, this movie is the filthiest and most perverted non-porn sex movie I’ve seen. It’s not for everyone so be warned but man, it goes there, stays there and laughs at you for following it.

5. FirewalkerTUBI LINK

This movie can’t even decide if its treasure is Mayan, Aztec Egyptian or Apache. So what? It’s J. Lee Thompson directing Chuck Norris and really what else is there that’s better in life?

6. Cannibal Apocalypse: TUBI LINK

John Saxon loses his mind, starts eating people and then it really gets dark. Sheer madness, blood and Italian mayhem.

7. Opera: TUBI LINK

I would argue that Argento pretty much finished his great run of movies here, a film that is literally nonstop cool shots over a story that you can follow and really, who cares? This movie is astounding, including the auteur shooting he ex-wife directly through the head, at least on celluloid.

8. Blind Fury: TUBI LINK

This is probably the most fun movie I’ve seen this year. I have no clue why I waited so long to watch it. Don’t make the same mistake as me.

9. Return to Savage Beach: TUBI LINK

The last Andy Sidaris movie, this is a dream, a film shot on a beach but mostly in office complexes that somehow finds a way into your heart. In a perfect world, there would be like fifteen more of these movies and that still wouldn’t be enough.

10. Night of the Seagulls: TUBI LINK

Every seven years, the Templars come back and a virgin is given to them. The outsiders who have just moved here? They should have stayed home. The Blind Dead move slow, have their own doom theme song and are my favorite Eurohorror monsters.

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