Welcome to another week of movies to watch on Tubi. Do you have some that you’d like to share? Get in touch because I’d love to share your picks.
Juan López Moctezuma also made Alucarda, one of the most blasphemous blasts of sheer madness ever committed to celluloid. He also made this film about an American artist and drug-aided vampire murdering men throughout Mexico while avoiding the mysterious stranger that may be her father. A mix of New Hollywood, giallo and weirdness like Messiah of Evil, this is a movie I want so many more people to watch.
I often refer to movie drugs — films that make your brain feel the same doors of perception feelings as hallucinogenic drugs — and this movie is definitely one of the finest of that type. It’s also a gateway drug, because there are so many more Cüneyt Arkin movies waiting for you, but they all have sub-VHS quality and a lack of subtitles, so you may have no idea what you’re watching unless you give in to their lunatic power. AGFA did so much of the work for you here, making this look gorgeous and as easy to understand as it can be, but it’s also just the first dose — the first one is always free — and soon you’ll be hunting more of these movies down. Arkin plays a hero who loses his hands to acid, gets metallic lion claws to replace them and then kills and kills and kills. It’s the best movie you’ll ever watch.
This movie is going to own you. Made for Cannon Films, directed and written by Luigi Cozzi, featuring Lou Ferrigno, Sybil Danning and a cast of Italian exploitation superstars as the gods and goddess of Mount Olympus, this is the kind of movie that puts Hercules punching a bear into space in the first ten minutes and you think, “How can they top that?” and they top it again and again. I don’t know why anyone ever made another movie after this movie, but I guess they built all those theaters and had to show something in them.
Umberto Lenzi in the director’s chair. Joe D’Amato producing. And the same house as Fulci’s The House by the Cemetery! Man, this movie as it all and by all I mean children stealing dolls out of coffins, ham radio conversations about Simon Le Bon and the popularity of Kim Basinger and Kelly LeBrock, a comedy relief character killed in gory fashion, a song that will get in your head and destroy your mind, maggots, severed heads and a shock ending. All hail Filmirage!
You know, the simplest things are the best. Like take a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It’s the most basic of sandwiches and anyone can make one. But when you want one, that feeling, the way it tastes, the crunch mixed with the softness of the bread — there’s nothing like it. Bloodsport is a totally basic movie — karate fighter needs revenge and fights in a tournament — but so what? It non-stop wants to entertain you and doesn’t have to be based on a true story no matter what the credits tell you. It’s literaly non-stop fistfights, knowing that you just want to see bones break, people spit blood and Van Damme do a wacky spinning kick or a split or speak in an accent that is at best impenetrable. I want to watch this movie right now and eat like five peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and yell at the screen the entire time.
You know how when you watch a movie and someone is goth or punk and they look too effortlessly gorgeous and like they’d have no issues fitting in? This movie — and its star Rainbow Harvest — are the opposite, with her as an authentic looking and acting outsider possessed by a mirror, which yeah is kind of dumb, but I like dumb. I would have made Rainbow Harvest a million mix tapes as a teenager and they definitely would have had “Catch” by The Cure, “I Wanted to Tell Her” by Ministry and “For Her Light” by Fields of the Nephilim on them.
I am a simple man. If you have Mary Woronov as an evil nun and Satanism in your movie, there’s no way that I’m not going to like it. It’s completely impossible. Throw in chainsaw death, teenagers who may be years past being called that and so much sex and nudity that it can’t even be called gratuitous any longer, well…yeah you’ll like this.
When you watch this movie today — one that was not well thought of when it first came out — you may wonder, “How did people not like this?” Were they wrong? Or have movies become so bad — particularly horror movies — that everything in the past that wasn’t good has moved up as a result? I’d like to think that this movie just sneaks up on you, using really wild practical effects and would have been better were it not for the tragedies that it went through.
I think about this movie a lot: a science fiction giallo about a love triangle but also about a factory that has learned how to make chickens that have no heads or bones. You’re either going to love this or hate it. There is no middle.
It’s not like House is a bad movie. It’s just that this in-name-only sequel — underline that, put it in bold and highlight it too because this is the most in-name-only sequel there has ever been — has a haunted house, cavemen, parties, a grandpa gunslinger zombie, an Aztec temple, John Ratzenberger being Indiana Jones, time travel, a caterpillar with a puppy head, Bill Maher and a crystal skull and has no interest in any of it making sense. It just flies and asks you to take the ride no questions asked.