You know, I really try to be fair with sequels, but I can tell you that there’s no reason this movie should exist. Sure, Creepshow is too long, Stephen King is horrible in his segment and you could really not have so much in it, but it’s a blast and probably the last halfway decent thing George Romero would ever make. Creepshow 2 has snuck on me. If you asked me when I was younger, “Is it as good,” I’d qualify it by saying that it’s just missing something. Well, young me is a moron because those are three hard-hitting stories in there and the older I get, the more I sympathize with George Kennedy just trying to keep Old Chief Woodenhead painted.

But man. Creepshow 3 is the worst.

Directed by Ana Clavell and James Dudelson, who also made Day of the Dead 2: Contagium, this movie moves away from the EC Comics narrative element and is instead about a hot dog stand.

You read that right.

Man, it’s 3:13 AM and I should just go to bed, but let’s dish on this abysmal piece of fecund moviemaking.

The first story is about a girl named “Alice” and her family, who have found a remote control. If you think things like a remote turning a white family African-American is edgy, well, good for you. And at the end, a mad scientist turns her into a rabbit, which is the kind of ending kids in third grade do and their teachers give them a D.

“The Radio” has a radio that tells people what to do. “Call Girl” is about a vampire. “The Professor’s Wife” has a professor’s friends sure that his new wife is a robot until they tear her apart and he has to do voodoo to put her back together. And “Haunted Dog” literally lifts the last story from Creepshow 2 and had it be about hot dogs.

Did Clavell and Dudelson have a hot dog fetish?

Positive points: The Creep does show up at the end. And hey — America’s Sweetheart Bunny Gibson from American Bandstand plays a grandmother.

Otherwise, this movie made me question my life choices. I mean, how did I watch every Bruno Mattei and Joe D’Amato movie and not feel this way? That’s how bad this movie is.