To the tune of “The Ghost of Tom Joad” by Bruce Springsteen:
Man walking through the Walmart store
Has so many DVDs, needs so many more
Looking at covers to see what catches the eye
What number Amityville is this, seventy-five?
Is that a werewolf I spy on the case?
What’s next Amityville in Space?
My wife sleeps as I watch all this mess
No taste, no standards, no limits, no rest
Well, the internet highway is alive tonight
But nobody’s kidding this movie’s any good
I’m sitting down here in front of my TV
Watching the multiple ghosts of Ron DeFeo
Now Sam said, “Wherever there’s a cop comes from Amityville
Wherever a hungry Amityville shark appears
Where there’s a monkey that’s possessed and a 1/2 star review in the air
Look for me, I’ll be there
Wherever a family fights a possessed clock
Wherever a demon is trying to get free
Look in their eyes and you’ll see me
You’ll see me!
So this movie — surprise! — has nothing to do with Amityville. It does have something to do with a halfway house and a werewolf and how did Lions Gate, a somewhat major studio, sully their hands with this?
Thomas J. Churchill also made The Amityville Harvest, which I’m sure I’ll be watching soon enough, and just finished Amityville Uprising, in which “a chemical blast at a military base sets off a supernatural disaster in this tense action-horror thriller.” Oh no. Oh no…
This also has Cody Renee Cameron in it, whose IMDB describes her as “a cool cocktail comprised of raw acting talent & badass stunt work, sprinkled with sexy, then shaken and poured into a chilled glass.” She should have written this movie, or maybe her publicist because that’s better than anything I just sat through.
Tuesday Knight from A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master is also on hand and she just made a movie called Amityville Bigfoot and seriously, they’re just making movies for me now to make me have crossover between my many Letterboxd lists. “The newest entry to the Amityville franchise follows a new story with Bigfoot and a new terror in the very special house” says IMDB. And who directed it? Shawn C. Phillips, who is also making Amityville Karen and Amityville Shark House because we needed two shark movies set in Amityville.
There’s also an Amityville Thanksgiving coming.
You know it’s bad when Common Sense Media — in their review of is this movie proper for your family or not — includes this discussion question: “Families can talk about sequels that aren’t really sequels, like The Amityville Moon. Why do you think Hollywood makes so-called “sequels” that have little, if anything, to do with the previous movies in the series?”
I wish my parents had talked to me about Amityville sequels but it’s too late. It’s just too late. I’m up at 4 in the morning watching movies like this when I should be sleeping. But you need me, don’t you, dear reader? If anything, I’m protecting you from 112 Ocean Avenue.