The Panther Squad (1984)

Yes, I realize that this is not a Full Moon film, but they carry it in their online store and on their streaming platform and I’m quite frankly exhausted by all the puppets and bongs and miniature killers and DeCoteau movies and when I saw Sybil Danning on the poster, teenage me said, “We need to stay up until.4 AM on a work night and watch this.”

The New Order of Nations is ready to escape Earth and start exploring space, but there are these terrorists called Clean Space who realize that humans are just going to litter other planets, so they decide to kill every astronaut so the nations of the planet decide to hire Sybil Danning, who wears lots of leather and honestly, that’s more than enough plot and makes me like this movie even if they never go to space.

There are so many guitar riffs and people running around in ill-advised outfits and I watched this in French because why not?

Force Five Podcast put up the best action from this movie — honestly there barely is any — and I can admit that I’m only posting it here because Sybil Danning is lounging poolside dressed like someone ready to fight a Terminator and sometimes when I get sad, this is the kind of thing that gets me through the day.

Facts you should know:

The theme song is called “She’s Tough and Tender (Theme from Panther Squad).”

Sybil Danning kept her outfit after filming was done.

Somehow, Jack Taylor made bad movies all over the world and I love him every single time he’s on my screen. I feel the same way about Donald O’Brien and I would like to think they had several meals and drinks together where they argued over who had the craziest films in their respective histories. I’d love to debate this with someone.

Karin Schubert, Hanna D.‘s mother from that Bruno Mattei blast of ripoff insanity, is in this.

If you want to see this movie done right, I can recommend every single Andy Sidaris movie to you.


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