Science Fact: During the January 20 to 21, 2019, lunar eclipse, a meteorite did, in fact, smash into the Moon at 38,000 miles per hour and carved out a 50-meter crater.
Science Fiction: That same meteor — in The Asylum-verse — shifted the Moon off its axis and Earth’s gravity pulls the Moon into our planet. And don’t worry about the collision: the friction of the moon against Earth’s atmosphere will heat up the planet and burn all that we survey into ash. But man can stop it: we have that newfangled anti-matter spaceship that creates artificial black holes. Yes! We can correct the moon’s orbit. We have the technology . . . uh, oh! There’s earthquakes, and floods, and magnetic storms! Oh, my, Toto! Auntie Em! It’s a METEOR MOON!
So, in the grand design of the everything-and-the-kitchen sink-disaster-mockbuster Final Draft template from The Asylum: While this was probably put into production when the utterly, A-List abysmal Moonfall was announced: what we’ve got here are pinches from the studio’s own Asteroid-a-Geddon and Collision Earth — along with a dash of the recent A-Lister Greenland that’s mixed with a salt shake of the 1998 battle of the Earth-destroyed-by-asteroid-epics-that-just-keep-on-giving-in-the-Asylum-cubicle farm, Deep Impact vs. Armageddon, along with smidgens of the anti-matter junk science of (the craptastic-and-still-can’t-finish-it-after-three-attempts) Event Horizon* and the black hole babble of (the equally-shatty-and-never-finshed-it) Supernova*. And let’s not forget that scene-snip that was even improbable in its original form in Brian De Palma’s Mission to Mars (meh). But in their quest to always one-up themselves: Asylum pinches from their own The Fast and the Furious franchise rip off with Fast and Fierce: Death Race by putting a Ford Mustang into space, à la Universal Studios. Or was that Columbia Studios?
Whatever. Kudos to The Asylum producer-punkin’ Neal Mortiz before he could put Vin Diesel and Michelle Rodriquez into space. But what the hell, Universal, do it anyway: Chris “Ludacris” Bridges in a space suit roarin’ out of the ass end of space shuttle in an anti-matter injected-Mustang is a movie I’d pay to see.
Yeah. Fuck you, Moonfall. I’m all in with Meteor Moon!
Look. It’s easy to kick the dorky kid of the streaming-verse in the nuts, leave ’em wallowing in pain on the playground, and hit the 7-11 for a Cherry Slurpie and nuked Bean Burrito with a smile on your face for a bully-job well done. But we’re not cinematic bullies here at B&S About Movies. We’ve watched enough American International and Crown International sci-fi flicks and we are uber-hep to the ludicrous and outlandish, ridiculous inconsistencies of the retro-vibe The Asylum is selling with meteors crashing into moons and high-performance cars shatting out the back end of a United Space Force shuttle under the command of Col. Dominique Swain** spewin’ techno-babble like nobody’s business (and doin’ the Eric Roberts bit of standing/sitting in one room, natch).
Screenwriter Joe Roche — in his second credit after Collision Earth — does his research and the physics, while improbably, sounds accurate, and his actors “sell” the science with confidence, so I’ll certainly watch Roche’s future QWERTY escapades. And, while The Asylum loves to recycle actors, we have to call out that we did notice that Daniel O’Reilly from the studio’s equally ludicious-but-fun Airline Sky Battle is on board (and he was also in Collision Earth).
Look, don’t pick on the dork of the cinematic playground. Be a pal. Buy an extra Slurpie and burrito, sit down and hang out with the kid, and take a ride together on some crappy, CGI’d hard rocks and heavy metal and be a “Radar Rider.” You can watch Meteor Moon as a PPV-premiere across all U.S. cable television systems or stream it as a VOD on Vudu.
** All this week — from Sunday, January 24 to Saturday, January 30 — is our “Matriarchy in Space Week” celebrating women in space. Join us, won’t you?
Disclaimer: We weren’t provided with a screener nor received a review request from the producers or their P.R firm. We streamed the movie out of our own pocket and enjoyed the movie.