Moonfall (2022)

Two former astronauts alongside a conspiracy theorist who discover the hidden truth about Earth’s moon.

The secret of the moon.

Yes, I said it.

I’ve also said that this is the dumbest movie I’ve ever seen and just imagine, I’ve seen 118 Jess Franco movies and 46 Bruno Mattei films and therefore have to come some kind of degree in stupid.

Jocinda “Jo” Fowler (Halle Berry) and Brian Harper (Patrick Wilson) were once in NASA together and a space shuttle mission they were on barely made it home when the moon — yes, the moon, let me reiterate this to drum up excitement for the moon’s big hidden lie — attacks them. No one believes him, so he’s disgraced while she moves up to be NASA’s deputy director.

Brian is reduced to dealing with his unruly son, his ex-wife and K.C. Houseman (John Bradley), the only other person in the world that believes that the moon is evil.

The moon is evil.

Brian also learns that he was made to look like a tin foil hat wearer because NASA has been covering up the moon all the way back to the first moon landing, even creating a device to destroy whatever lives inside the hollow moon — which is even better than hollow Earth or flat Earth, yes? — but budgets got too high and instead of maybe not sending hundreds of billions to neo-Nazis fighting our Communist enemies and trust me, no one is right and everyone is horrible and that’s my political stance they just canceled the one thing that could save the Earth.

I’m going to save you the trouble of watching this and reveal the secret of the moon.

The secret of the moon!

The moon is a Dyson sphere — a megastructure that completely encompasses a white dwarf star and captures a large percentage of its solar power output — to become a starship. Billions of years ago, humanity’s technologically advanced ancestors were eradicated by a rogue AI — ancient aliens! — and basically sent the moon out to create all life on Earth but the evil AI followed. It just took a few million years to get back and start killing our planet.

Can we save the Earth? Of course.

Is a cat named Fuzz Aldrin? Yes.

Did this cost more than any independent movie ever? You know it.

Emmerich has talked about filming two sequels back-to-back and Bradley said that “If Roland goes down the direction that he wants to,  the sequels would be even more batshit crazy than the first.” Emmerich said, “I’m also not very high on sequels. But I tried this time to make this a trilogy, but I am not sure even if I want it anymore. I think if I do a sequel, I will make it a little bit more like the original Star Wars, the second one will have a huge cliffhanger. Because that’s totally lost on people.

This failed on a monumental level but man, I want those sequels to happen.

Donald Sutherland also totally is in this for two minutes as if it’s an 80s movie made in Italy.

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