Bullets of Justice (2019)

Bullets of Justice starts with a flyover of a post-apocalyptic city, followed by a pigman crapping his pants before being shot directly between the eyes. Now that’s how you get my interest.

Pig men? Well, back during World War 3, which has to be coming to 2020 any day now, the U.S. government started a secret project that was codenamed Army Bacon. Yes, that sounds like something out of Alex Jones, but here we are. Now, a quarter of a century later, the Muzzles have become the top of the food chain, replacing humans, and only a few humans remain.

Directed by Valeri Milev, who did Wrong Turn 6 and second unit on Van Damme’s We Die Young and written by Timur Turisbekov, who also plays hero Rob Justice, this film plays as a send-up of pretty mich every post-Mad Max movie that I love. No, really. I made a Letterboxd list just to track all the end of the world movies I’ve watched.

To get this on the shelves of WalMart, Danny Trejo shows up as Gravedigger, the father of our hero who returns as a ghost to help him. Really, Danny Trejo against pig men is all the review I need to give this and people will want to watch it, much less telling you that there’s a scene where a jet pack flying pig man gets decapitated and its bloody head drops right into the spread eagle crotch of a female bounty hunter, which slow dissolves into a lovemaking scene.

Seriously, Trejo is in twenty or thirty movies a month — he and Nicolas Cage must have a running bet — but this is probably the best one you’ll see him in this year, even if his part is incredibly minor. It’s also full of absolutely ludircous stunts, dirt all over everything, a near-obscene level of gore and a hero who has lost so many girlfriends that he has a shrine to all of them in his car.

There’s also a bad guy named Benedict Asshole and our hero’s new girl, who is also his sister, who has a mustache. And plenty of male frontal nudity. Of course, it’s also all acted phoentically in English, has all the directoral chops of The Asylum and doesn’t have a coherent plot.

The best of times. The worst of times. A lot blows up. I tried not to think too hard. Also this is a movie that taught me that bullets are birds of justice made of lead and if you don’t want them to kill you, they won’t. That literally made me laugh for five minutes, which is enough to say that this is a success.

This movie makes me think that Bulgaria and Kazakhstan got together and said, “Why the hell do Italy and the Philippines get to make all of the great Road Warrior rip-offs?”

Bullets of Justice is currently available on demand. Let me know what you think.

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