Outlaw of Gor (1988)

If you’re going to make a second Gor movie, by all means, call up John “Bud” Cardos. Bud started his career as a child actor, a rodeo rider and a bird handler before appearing as a biker in movies like Hells Angels on WheelsPsych-Out and Satan’s Sadists. Eventually, he’d start directing movies such as Kingdom of the SpidersMutant, The Day Time Ended and The Dark.

While drinking alone one night — thinking about all the adventures he had in the first film and that he actually talked to a real live woman — Professor Tarl Cabot (welcome back Urbano Barberini) meets an even bigger loser than himself, Watney Smith. Before you can say strike out, they’re blasted back to that magical planet of thongs.

Cabot and Talena (man, did everyone sign contracts for the sequel? Because Rebecca Ferratti is back, too) reunite. Her father King Marlenus (Larry Taylor also signed one of those contracts it appears) married a girl named Lana (yes, she was in the firts movie briefly and she’s played in both by Donna Denton) and is stepping down from his throne. Of all the men in Gor, he picks the accounting professor from Earth to assume the crown.

Of course, Lana and Xenos — yes, Jack Palance is back — frame our hero, try to kill Talena with female gladiators and toss young Watney aside. I think the dude is missing a t in the front of his name.

All manner of hijinks ensue and if you thought the first Gor was rough, well, at least that one had Oliver Reed in it. There’s one funny scene here, though. The main bad guy — the Hunter — is told that Lana killed the king and he’s like, “Oh OK” and kills her without even thinking about it. Who knew it’d be that easy to defeat these villains?

I guess this movie was shot pretty much right after the original, because surely horndog boys would want more of the world of Gor. Before the internet, horrible movies like this were all we had. It was a rough time to be alive. When people remember the 80’s, I don’t recall them quite so fondly.

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