If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do? is probably my favorite religious movie ever made. Unlike today’s religious films that sneakily preach at you and make you feel inferior, that movie straight up lets you know that Communists are going to kill everyone you love and that you’re definitely going to burn in Hell forever.
If you think three years dulled the edge of Estus Pirkle, you’ve never been more incorrect. Get ready to pay, sinner!
At once a combination of regional exploitation and good old fashioned revival sermon, this movie is going to punch you in the face as many times as it can. This is the kind of film where two hippies show up wanting to learn more about God, get rebuffed, one of them dies by getting beheaded and the other runs right back to church.
You get to see people actually in Hell and learn exactly how long it lasts. This is the kind of movie that is going to either confirm your mania or let you know that everyone is insane. Seriously, they don’t make them like this any longer. That’s right — no movie made now spends as much time explaining how worms are going to eat you forever and ever and ever.
Let me quote to you from this movie. “Statistics have proven…every hour 3,000 people go to Hell; every minute 60 people go to Hell; right this very moment, someone is headed for a burning Hell.”
Ron Ormond, who directed this, survived two near-death plane crashes before finally deciding to turn to the Lord. Before that, he made movies like the 1950 Lash LaRue-starring King of the Bullwhip (he actually directed many films starring that whip-wielding cowboy) and the minstrel show review Yes Sir, Mr. Bones before going into full-on exploitation madness with flicks like Please Don’t Touch Me, Girl From Tobacco Row and The Exotic Ones. He shows here that he lost none of his touch for shocking the living shit out of you in just about every frame. Bravo, Mr. Ormond. Bravo.
You can watch this on the Internet Archive or on the YouTube link posted below.