Remember B&S Movies’ past geographical warnings about staying the hell out of South Africa and keeping your ass in the Philippines, Italy, and Australia for your post-apocalyptic fixes?

Well, add Canada to the list. Be warned, my fellow apoc-rats. The lands of Survival 1990 aren’t across the border from 1990: The Bronx Warriors. If ever a film needed a meeting of the Riders and Tigers, this is the movie.

Also known as Survival Earth in its VHS revival, this canuxploitation dropping that makes the Canux nuc-fest Def Con 4 look like Escape from New York occurs in 1996, ten years after “The Fall,” which refers to the collapse of the world economy and . . . hey, wait a minute . . . 10 years after 1996 is 1986 . . . so why does the title refer to the year of 1990? I know, I know. Don’t overthink the (lack of) plot . . . and math. Which brings us to questioning who made this? Yep, the mathematicians at Emmeritus Productions, the Canadian studio that also made the computer-takes-over-a-hi-tech hi-rise A.I tomfoolery, The Tower, and the inert John Carpenter-porn knock off, Blue Murder.

Duh. You’ve been warned.

Anyway, this shot on video tape for Canadian TV potboiler starts with a stock footage montage of some riots, newspaper articles, nuclear power plants, and politician infighting that fades out under an optical effect informing us the big one dropped. And that’s the end of the special effects for the movie.

The resident “Adam and Eve” survivors living in the wiles of Toronto are John and Miranda, who meander through the woods and talk, talk, talk . . . and read poetry (at least books survived “The Fall”), and goes all philosophical quoting Yeats. And when drippy John isn’t reading poetry, he talks about the good ol’ days of mowing grass, driving his ol’ Honda Civic, and about his dad’s cloning experiments (a major plot twist, don’t forget!).

In addition to a mysterious “creature” shadowing their every move, they meet up with Simon, a soldier of fortune (in run-of-the-mill camo-fatigues off the rack at Bass Pro Shops) who survived the war and becomes their ally. And thank god, because Simon at least has a rifle and a pistol to fight off the mutant-vandals (that aren’t at all “mutant” and look more like raggedy street people) who kill John. Then John’s clone—who’s been spying on them—shows up and rescues Miranda. And they read more poetry and bicker happy ever after. The end.

So if you need to explore the post-nuke wastelands of the Great White North — sans any Snakes or Trashes, or props, or special effects, or sets, or costumes, or action, or plot, or point — then this is your film. This rarity from the video ‘80s — that’s never been issued to DVD or Blu-ray (complete with trailers for the low-budget videotape pot boilers Deadly Pursuit and The Edge) — is on You Tube.

Star Nancy Cser, who played Miranda, received some video-store fame courtesy of the 1986 Canadian soft core skin flick, Perfect Timing, which had plenty of naked women for us horn dogs—and nary a plot. Not that we cared about the plot. For when you have boobies, you need no plot. Wow. We already sat through The Tower. So, sorry, Nancy: no more reviews for you. Some movies are best forgotten.

About the Author: You can read the music and film reviews of R.D Francis on Medium and learn more about his work on Facebook.