Take Chris Mitchum (son of Robert, star of The Day That Time Ended, Faceless, Bigfoot and, perhaps most astoundingly, Alejandro Jodorowsky’s Tusk).

Add a bit of Gordon Mitchell, who played Colonel Morgan in Endgame, Dr. Frankenstein in Frankenstein ’80 and Igor in Frankenstein’s Castle of Freaks.

Grab a recipe for a movie already made. Let’s say, FX. Make it in the Philippines with Jun Gallardo, using the American name John Gale.

Then — and most importantly — add some Linda Blair.

Mitchum plays Steve Baker, a special effects guy who gets drawn into the theft of a million dollars when he gives Doris, a prostitute/secretary for the mob a ride. If you are wonder, “Does Linda play the hooker?” then you’ve been paying attention to her roles in the late 1980’s.

The mob is at war with another mob, with Mitchell’s character Morgan in charge of it all. Well, sooner than you can say, “I saw this already with Bryan Brown,” Steve is using his movie skills to fool the criminals.

Christine Landson (who was in two other movies, Blood Hands and Desert Warrior as Sterraz Amazon, a name which I’m going to scream out loud while I drive home tonight) is in this as Steve’s wife, who gets kidnapped by the mob. They have an amazing sex scene that has her topless while buildings blow up real good all around them, which is pretty much the main reason I loved this movie so much.

There’s also a snake that shoots bullets, a home security system that simulates a haunted house and a tank made out of plywood. The movie ends as it should, with people running around with machine guns killing everyone in sight. Is it spoiling the movie if I tell you it ends sadly, with uplifting synth, but the bad guy gets blown up with a missile? Would it upset you to know that Linda dies 48:10 in?

This cover art is better than the movie.

I wonder what other movies are in the Prestige Collection?

I assure you: SFX Retaliator is a complete piece of shit. And I loved every single frame. Watch it for yourself.