BIGFOOT WEEK: Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper (2014)

I want you to look at that awesome box art. I want you to imagine just how insane a pairing of legendary hijacker D.B. Cooper and Bigfoot could be. I want you to notice Linnea Quigley and Eric Roberts names above the credits. And then, when you realize that David DeCoteau directed it, you’ll realize that things are about to take a turn.

Sure, DeCoteau started his career making movies like Creepozoids and Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, but of late, he’s been making cover versions like The Brotherhood, which reimagines The Craft as a homoerotic battle of magical boys.

I started watching this and Eric Roberts’ narration of the legend of D.B. Cooper had me hooked. I put my head down to start writing this review and looked up and thought, why is every guy just wandering around topless? Soon, I realized that no one had on any shirts at all and were all gradually taking more and more of their clothes off. Once a scene turns into a softcore JO event, I decided to do some research, thinking “David DeCoteau has to be behind this.” And yes, pardon the pun, be he sure was.

You have to admire the audacity of a director that promises you a movie where Bigfoot battles another myth and delivers a movie with hairless boys parading around with guns. In fact, I love that this movie is on Amazon Prime, complete with reviews that all contain the phrase “not that there’s anything wrong with it.”

Bigfoot erotica is a thing. David DeCoteau movies of bros with pecs all posing for the voyeuristic lens of the director are a thing. If that’s what you’re looking for and you have no interest in just straight up watching porn or an actual Bigfoot film, then let me recommend this one to you. I’m glad that there’s something for everyone and this film is certainly that something for those that always wanted to watch a movie where dudes stroke themselves until being murdered by a man in a horrible looking Bigfoot costume. But hey! The scenery is nice!

And if you were planning on Linnea Quigley rescuing you from the odd stirrings you’re feeling, bad news. It’s just her voice. You’re gonna have to deal with whatever you’re dealing with like a man.

I love that Fangoria even interviewed DeCoctau about this project, in which he said, “I remember the evening when D.B. Cooper leaped from that plane. I was 9 years old and living with my family in Portland, Oregon, where Cooper boarded it. It was all over the local news. Even at a young age, I knew it would be near-impossible for anyone to survive that jump—at night, during a rainstorm. I knew the area of Washington State where the FBI thought he could have landed. It is so remote and dangerous that if the jump didn’t kill D.B., then maybe something else did. Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper is my theory of what actually happened to the hijacker.”

So basically, at nine years old, he imagined a movie where Bigfoot traced the outline of a dude’s package through his boxers before killing him. I love that we live in this reality, everyone.

You might be reading this and wonder, “Should I watch this movie?” I’d say yes. You’re not going to see another film that has this many repeated shots, this much stock footage (there’s literally a 3D render of an airplane used in the place of stock footage) and this much ADR. It’s the kind of movie you can brag that you finished. It’s 76 minutes of running time feels like 76 months. I stuck it out just wondering, “Would Bigfoot ever battle D.B. Cooper?”

I’m going to save you some time and tell you that yes, they battle. And that D.B. Cooper is now Bigfoot. If you want some explanation beyond that, you’re going to need to watch this yourself.

I love that this movie was available on DVD at Wal-Mart and can only imagine that this was made only as a Trojan horse to get male softcore porn into the unwanting hands of far-right conspiracy lovers. And if me sitting through this painful film had to happen to make that come true, I regret that I only have one life to give to my country.

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