PARAMOUNT DVD SET RELEASE: NCIS Season 22 (2024)

NCIS (Naval Criminal Investigative Service) is about the police who handle criminal investigations involving the United States Navy and Marine Corps. Based at the Washington Navy Yard in Washington, D.C., the NCIS team is led by Supervisory Special Agent Alden Parker (Gary Cole). 22 seasons? How about there are two spin-offs on the air: NCIS: Origins and NCIS: Sydney.

Parker works alongside Timothy McGee (Sean Murray), Nick Torres (Wilmer Valderrama), Jessica Knight (Katrina Law), Dr. Jimmy Palmer (Brian Dietzen), Kasie Hines (Diona Reasonover) and Leon Vance (Rocky Carroll). This season has a recurring villain, Carla Marino (Rebecca De Mornay), the mob boss of the Kansas City mob. Plus, there are appearances by Laura San Giacomo, Donna Mills, Shari Belafonte, and LL Cool J, who is NCIS Senior Field Agent Sam Hanna.

I’ve watched this show from time to time, and it’s cool that they still mention characters like Ducky. I’m a big lover of continuity, so it’s nice to still have this on the air.

PARAMOUNT DVD SET RELEASE: Watson Season 1 (2024)

Just starting its second season on CBS, Watson stars Morris Chestnut as Dr. Watson in a modern version of one of history’s greatest detectives. Instead of crime, he solves medical mysteries. 

A year after Holmes’s (Robert Carlyle) apparent death at the hands of his archenemy Moriarty (Randall Park) at Reichenbach Falls, Watson opens the Holmes Clinic of Diagnostic Medicine in Pittsburgh — right dahntahn near The Pitt? — to treat patients with strange and unidentifiable issues. But is Moriarty still alive?

Created by Craig Sweeny, who also made Limitless and The Code, I like how this moves Watson from a moron, as he often appears in adaptations, to the hero. He has a team that includes neurologist  Dr. Ingrid Derian (Eve Harlow), identical twins Drs. Stephens Croft and Adam (both played by Peter Mark Kendall), who are constantly fighting because Adam is dating Stephens’ ex-fiancée, Dr. Sasha Lubbock (Inga Schlingmann), former criminal Shinwell Johnson (Richie Coster) and Watson’s ex-wife, surgeon Dr. Mary Morstan (Rochelle Aytes). Holmes founded this clinic so that after he died, Watson would have something to do with his life.

Cases include fatal insomnia, Cowden syndrome, a bullet stuck in a brain, QT syndrome, sickle cell anemia and more. By the end of the season, it’s revealed that Holmes didn’t die, and the show references a Pittsburgh mystery and a third-act surprise.

I kind of like it when Holmes is moved to modern times, and I’m interested in seeing where this series goes!

CLEOPATRA BLU-RAY RELEASE: Vampire Zombies…From Space! (2024)

Directed by Mike Stasko, who wrote the script with Jakob Skrzypa and Alex Forman, this has appearances by Night of the Living Dead‘s Judith O’Dea, Troma’s Lloyd Kaufman, Tim & Eric’s David Liebe Hart and Saw VI’s Simon Reynolds.

Dracula (Craig Gloster) is from space — he has a son, Dylan (Robert Kemeny), too! — and they’ve come back to Earth to kill everyone — all in black and white. He had once attacked the family of Roy MacDowell (Erik Helle) and killed most of them, making the entire town think that Roy is a killer. When Roy’s daughter Susan (Charlotte Bondy) is killed, everyone blames him, but his daughter Mary (Jessica Antovski) is ready to convince Police Chief Ed Clarke (Andrew Bee) that there really are aliens. She joins with Officer James Wallace (Rashaun Baldeo) and local tough guy Wayne (Oliver Georgiou) to save her town.

With an evil council of vampire aliens that includes Coppola’s Dracula (Martin Ouellette), Vampira (O’Dea) and Nosferatu (David Liebe Hart), a store called Ed’s Wood & Hardware, a public jerk off bandit played by Kaufman, tons of gore and a heart that beats right because it’s making fun with, not at, old movies, this is one to find and love.

You can order this on Blu-ray and DVD from MVD.

CLEOPATRA DVD RELEASE: Fear Cabin: The Last Weekend Of Summer (2024)

Directed and written by Brian Krainson (whose career goes from water safety on film sets to stunts and acting), Fear Cabin finds six friends staying in the woods around no one else on the last night of summer. Are there a bunch of devil worshippers in those woods? Are there demons? Why would anyone go to a cabin in the woods?

The good? Practical effects and an attempt at fun. That makes up for how many cabin movies this takes things from. But hey! Jeremy London from Mallrats is the owner of that cabin. There’s also a feeling that everyone involved wanted to make something halfway decent and not just streaming slop. 

Krainson did just about everything he could to make this movie, taking on so many roles. And yeah, it wasn’t for me, but I applaud anyone who makes their own horror film, especially someone smart enough to keep it around 70 minutes. I wish it had a story as original as the camerawork, but perhaps the next film he makes will break the mold. There’s talent there.

You get the trailer and behind-the-scenes stuff on the Cleopatra DVD release. You can get it from MVD.

MVD REWIND COLLECTION: Best Christmas Movies Ever! (2024)

Best Christmas Movies Ever! is a movie I’m shocked hasn’t been created before: a talking head doc all about Christmas movies like Home Alone, Elf, The Santa Clause, Miracle on 34th Street, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, It’s a Wonderful Life and many more with experts like Denise Crosby, Steven de Souza, Shawn Edwards, Mitch Glazer, Mick Foley and Terry Farrell.

Directed by Mark A. Altman, this even features Jeremiah S. Chechik, who directed National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, talking about holiday films, as well as Ms. Moviefone Grae Drake, Torn Hearts director Brea Grant, and Kury Fuller.

There’s also a section on whether or not films like Die Hard are Christmas movies.

If you love the holidays and movies — or know someone who does — this is perfect.

Extras include a director commentary, deleted and extended scenes, a convention panel, a trailer, a collectible mini-poster and a slipcover. You can get it from MVD.

ATTACK OF THE KAIJU DAY: Big Bad CGI Monsters (2024)

According to Letterboxd, I have seen just 7% of all of Dustin Ferguson’s movies. Keep in mind that’s 15 movies out of his 206 films, which should be 211 by the time you finish reading this. 

Two scientists are trying to kill the Angry Asian Murder Hornets, but then some Big Freakin’ Snakes show up, as well as Ebola Rex and Cocaine Cougar

Yes, it’s Dustin Ferguson’s Destroy All Monsters

Lisa London, Rocky from Savage Beach, is in this briefly, and yes, I can’t lie. That’s why I watched it.

There are just two Rotten Tomatoes reviews. One is five stars: “Truly a masterpiece, A modern twist on the horror elements of Jurassic Park that makes you shed a tear,” and the other, one star: “This is one of the most stupid movies I’ve ever watched.”

In this movie, you will hear three people get killed off-camera by giant snakes. Several will be eaten or stabbed by murder hornets. Cocaine Cougar will eat many others, both on and off-screen, as well as killing the murder hornets, before he’s devoured by Ebola Rex, who gets killed by a helicopter with missiles, because America.

In case you wondered: Hornet < Snake < Cougar < Ebola Rex < the military industrial complex.

You can watch this on Tubi.

UNSUNG HORRORS HORROR GIVES BACK 2025: Black Eyed Susan (2024)

Each October, the Unsung Horrors podcast does a month of themed movies. This year, they will once again be setting up a fundraiser to benefit Best Friends, which works to save the lives of cats and dogs across America, giving pets second chances and providing them with happy homes.

Today’s theme: Viewer’s Choice

I love Scooter McCrae’s films (Sixteen TonguesShatter Dead, Saint Frankenstein), so like any band I adore — or director/writer in this case — I’m always worried when a new creation comes out from them. Definitely, if I’m a true believer of that artist, which I am with McCrae’s work. I mean, I own the script books and the Blu-rays; I’ve watched everything else he’s done multiple times. 

So while Black Eyed Susan is my least favorite of his films, that’s not a bad review. It’s still better and more thought-provoking than anything else I’ve seen this year.

Derek (Damian Maffei) is going through a rough divorce and barely getting by as an Uber driver. Then, he gets a strange offer from Gil (Marc Romeo), a childhood friend. He’s been creating an AI sex bot, one that can take the abuse that he believes men want to deliver to women. He thinks Derek, thanks to his bad marriage, alcoholism and violent nature, will be the perfect one to put the robot (Yvonne Emilie Thälker), called Black Eyed Susan by its tech team, through its paces.

We’ve already seen the robot be abused by another man — who later killed himself — earlier in the film. She is the utter definition of a lack of agency. She can’t walk; her dreams are only of her owner. All she wants to do is fuck. Even when she asks for things, it’s what she thinks her owner wants. In short, she’s the male gaze given form, but one that can’t walk and whose every moment is devoted to male pleasure, especially if that involves assault, as she’s ready to bleed from several areas, not just simulate female arousal.

What I disliked about this movie is that it thinks that BDSM sex is the same as abuse. Degradation, when consensual, is a part of the two partners’ contract and may be something they both enjoy. This suggests that all men, even those who try to be moral, only have the capacity to inflict pain. 

What I did enjoy was the 16mm filming, the Fabio Frizzi soundtrack, and so much of the idea. I wanted more; I wanted to learn what an actual relationship between Derek and Susan could be like. By the time the movie gets going, it feels like it’s already over. Thälker is also incredible in this, and I like how, for being the perfect male sex object, she has so many things that many men would be turned off by: body hair, an androgynous look, and an edge. She feels like an alien. I also enjoyed how Amanda (Kate Kiddo), one of the creators, wants to know how their sessions go. Derek seemingly is courting Susan, who keeps mentioning sex at every opportunity; it’s as if she makes him chaste by comparison.

For all the big questions this film raises, it feels like — again — it ends too quickly and too cleanly. Of course, the people who make the robots have further, darker plans. But is that any reason for Derek to give in to his rage? It feels like we’ve fast-forwarded and lost the plot a bit. That said, I’m not the filmmaker. I’d be interested to see why McCrae went in this direction.

In Anton LaVey’s Pentagonal Revisionism: A Five-Point Program, he said that Satanists should be part of significant change, including the development and production of artificial human companions. He wrote, “The forbidden industry. An economic “godsend” which will allow everyone “power” over someone else. Polite, sophisticated, technologically feasible slavery. And the most profitable industry since TV and the computer.”

In the Rolling Stone article “Symphony for the Devil,” this appears:

“On the way, LaVey talked about androids, his favorite hobbyhorse. He has spent years working on his own android prototypes—his mannequins—preparing for the day when the science of robotics will enable industry to begin producing artificial human companions. ”The forbidden industry,” he called it. “Polite, sophisticated, technologically feasible slavery.” Most of his dolls are store mannequins with their faces sawn off, replaced by latex impressions of his friends’ faces.

“I sculpted one entirely out of polyurethane foam,” LaVey said as we edged across the bridge through the fog. “I inhaled all those fumes trying to create a realistic woman with actual sexual parts. I put so much of my personal fetishistic desire into it that I became like Pygmalion. I kept expecting her to show up on my doorstep.”

“Do you have sex with your dolls?” I asked.

Pause.

“I tried to,” he said. “It was going to be my great test run. Just as I was entering her, the damn room started shaking. An earthquake hit. I figured it was God’s way of telling me something. So I ceased”—he laughed—“my activities of the moment.”

LaVey turned suddenly solemn. “When I say ‘God’, you know, it’s just a figure of speech.””

This feels like it only scratches the surface of what could be, but as I said, with a creator this talented, that may be enough.

You can get this from Vinegar Syndrome.

UNSUNG HORRORS HORROR GIVES BACK 2025: Weird Visions Society (2024)

Each October, the Unsung Horrors podcast does a month of themed movies. This year, they will once again be setting up a fundraiser to benefit Best Friends, which works to save the lives of cats and dogs across America, giving pets second chances and providing them with happy homes.

Today’s theme: Physical Media

I know, I know, microbudget anthology films are all over microbudget films and streaming horror. But what if someone did it right?

Director Ryan Petrillo and his co-writer Dan Lisowski got it right.

This is a movie made by people who actually care more than just to tell people that they’re filmmakers. The colors are intentional. The music and sound design absorb you. And there are wild colors, ooze, and so much strangeness, as well as bottles of J&B and post-dubbed sound.

What’s it about?

“Each autumnal equinox, a group of humanoids meets at the nexus of dreams and reality to celebrate the strangest mysteries of the universe: monsters, ghosts, the inexplicable, the outrageous. As they slurp their ceremonial slime and join their minds, they share these stories of horror and fantasy. This is the Weird Visions Society! A post-dubbed, micro-budget, horror-sci-fi anthology consisting of five tales woven together by the hallucinatory mind-melding of ceremonial slime-drinking humanoids from another dimension.”

Those humanoids meet in a room with a gold curtain and what appears to be a picture frame that opens into the universe from The Astrologer. In this sanctum, they pour ooze into bowls and lap it up before tripping out into these stories, then, you know, destroying one of their number. Each story may not have the best pacing, but when does an anthology ever all add up? Instead, the sum is way greater than the whole of the parts, and you’ll be left loving the drone, the neon, the moments that make this feel a lot more like an Italian 80s direct-to-VHS wallow in scuzz than something on Blu-ray from 2024, and that’s the highest compliment I can give.

Also: The ambient extras on the Blu-ray will totally be my new writing meditation soundtrack.

You can get the movie, merch and slime here.

 

THE IMPORTANT CINEMA CLUB’S SUPER SCARY MOVIE CHALLENGE DAY 1: The Unbreakable Bunch (2024)

October 1: A Scary Sports Film

“An Alien Force Came To Conquer – They Had No Idea This Bunch Was In Town.”

I think they made this movie for me.

Directors Luke Lantana, Harold McConnell and Robert Pralgo (who also made the documentary After Wrestling) and writers Nathan McMahan, Frank Tobin and Ray Lloyd (former WCW wrestler Glacier and one of the stars of this movie) have put together an alien invasion movie where only old pro wrestlers can save the day. In fact, Lloyd and Steve Luther Williams, who was also in WCW as Luther Biggs, wrote the story.

The cast includes Lloyd as Jock, the main hero; Luther as the wrestling Elvis Burnin’ Love (Biggs was also Disgraceland in TNA); Tonga “Haku/Meng” Fifita as King Tonga, Ernest “The Cat” Miller as Mack Brown and Larry Zybysko as The Legend. They head out on the Blood and Thunder Tour in an RV, trying to save money for a sober living facility. This brings them to meet old friends like Padge (Diamond Dallas Page), Rusty (David “Gangrel” Heath), Hammer (Stan “The Lariat” Hansen), AEW wrestler Anna Jay, NWA wrestler Kahagas, former member of Raven’s Flock Ron Reil (also The Yeti in WCW) and Alexander the Great (Nicholas Logan), a youngster who keeps bragging that he booked the Tokyo Dome.

We can argue if wrestling is a real sport, but this is the kind of movie where Meng sings a song about the Tokyo Dome, where a pizza-eating contest turns into a fistfight, and Stan Hansen randomly shows up, where green-eyed aliens are unstoppable, and where aging indy wrestlers can shrug off bullets. And not a one of them has a fanny pack filled with painkillers or a rat in each town. But why argue realism when this is a science fiction wrestling movie? I was kind of hoping that DDP would come back like Santo, pulling out a flamethrower out of his car and turning the battle when all is lost.

The end hints that these wrestlers also fought a skunk ape. Make that movie. Now.

Also, Missy Hyatt super randomly shows up in the final battle, and no one goes, “What the hell is Missy Hyatt doing here?”

Like pro wrestling itself, this is dumb yet entertaining. For all my years on the road, I never had to fight aliens, but I would hope Hansen and Missy would always be close by to help.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Spider Baby, or The Maddest Story Ever Told (2024)

Remaking Spider Baby seems to be a thankless task, but it’s one that Dustin Ferguson and crew have taken on.

If you haven’t seen the original, the Merrye family has been cursed with a disease called Merrye Syndrome, which only affects members of their family, hence the name, and causes them to regress down the evolutionary ladder as they grow older. They’re protected by their butler, Bruno, who realizes that he can’t control them for long.

Here, Bruno is played by Noel Jason Scott; the Spider Baby herself, Virginia, is played by Skylar Fast; Ralph, the role that Sid Haig essayed, is played by Cody J. Briscoe, and Elizabeth is played by Emma Keifer. Much like the inspiration, the family is being challenged by relatives who want the home and the estate. What they don’t realize is how dangerous the family can be, including the ones who have regressed into lunacy and cannibalism in the basement.

This has some meta-casting in it, as Beverly Washburn, who played Elizabeth in the original Spider Baby, plays a new character, Meredith. While Ron Chaney, the grandson of another star of the original, Lon Chaney Jr., plays Dr. Skinner. There’s also an opening that introduces a new character, Theresa Merrye, played by Brinke Stevens.

Ferguson has said that he wanted to make this movie because the first one inspired The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and House of 1000 Corpses. In fact, the chance to make a movie like Rob Zombie’s is why he directed this. Spider Baby leans into that Rob Zombie feel, as the credits and theme song sound quite like the singer’s work. In fact, Robert Mukes from that film plays The Storyteller in this version.

I had a few issues with this, as the CGI spider isn’t as fun as the original, the film feels way too yellow, and the credits often have basic typewriter font in black over black images, obscuring the names of the cast and crew. This is probably the best-looking movie of the 140+ that Ferguson has done, and it looks like he applied himself on this, even if it ends with the requisite seven minutes or longer of credits when what we really want is more of the story.

The cast does a good job in this, but I feel for them, as they’re up against a classic with the kind of cast that rarely assembles for one movie. In fact, remaking this movie at all feels like a bad idea; there’s no way to be compared favorably unless you absolutely outdo or change the original, and even then, you’re fighting an uphill battle.

I get the challenges of microbudget filmmaking, that you only have some talent for a day and that you’re trying to get the most you can out of the meager finances that you can drum together. The thing is, Spider Baby cost $65,000 to make ($605,000 in today’s money) and was in no way considered big budget. Yet it has created a quite rightful cult following because it’s weird in a very earned way. It’s just unsettling enough, and often what it alludes to is much scarier than fake blood or a giant spider. While this is an improvement for Ferguson, I hope that he can learn from it and push himself toward original works that we can appreciate for decades to come.

You can purchase Spider Baby here.