EDITOR’S NOTE: The I Hope You Suffer podcast said that “Since everybody is doing these movie challenges now, we made the only one worth doing.” Bring the pain.

Amityville Zoo, Planet Amityville, Amityville Doorknob, Amityville Lockdown, Amityville Isolation, The Amityville Amityville and Amityville Fridge aren’t real but I would totally watch them if they did make them. After all, this is the 53rd Amityville movie I’ve watched and I don’t see stopping any time soon.

Movie Timelines host Josh Spiegel directed, wrote and stars in this as himself. In the middle of a new pandemic, separated from his wife Christie and daughter Stella (played by his real-life wife and daughter), he keeps trying to update his YouTube channel and have online meetings with horror fans in the midst of losing his job and being mailed a cursed doorknob from Amityville that puts him into his own horror movie.

Then everyone he meets has their heads explode and he learns from multiple Amityville director Lars Van Floof that every Amityville movie is cursed by an item sold from the original house. I believe this, as much as I believe that a demon has cursed me to watch every one of these films.

Made on a low budget and a found footage film, this feels made for people like, well, me. People who keep watching Amityville movies and get mad at themselves but then feel a sense of joy when a new one comes out. Josh is from Pittsburgh as well, even though we’ve never met, and therefore I feel some kinship for the terror he endures as he goes deep into the heart of 112 Ocean Avenue.

You can get this from SRS or watch it on Tubi.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The I Hope You Suffer podcast said that “Since everybody is doing these movie challenges now, we made the only one worth doing.” Bring the pain.

Nick Box claims that this is a re-imagining of his earlier film Elevator to Insanity, which itself was a spoof of elevated horror, and that this makes fun of both that genre and Amityville movies.

A photographer (Gus Capucci) gets on an elevator that he rides for the entire movie.

That’s it.

Sure, sometimes a woman (Bryonny) gets on and gets off, but they never interact. There’s also a ballet dancer who he sees when the doors open and also a lady that screams at him for six minutes. That’s right. Six entire minutes of one scream.

Sometimes, he escapes for a moment, then hears a whole bunch of phrases like “Believe in yourself” before he’s back on the elevator, the woman gets on and off, and we watch him stand there for around forty minutes.

Finally, he gets to the floor he should be on and takes photos of corpses, just in time for a jump scare. Someone else gets in the elevator as the movie comes to a close.

This has a $3000 budget and I have no idea where it went. It’s like with each movie, Nick Box is trying to make the worst Amityville sequel, which is impossible because you can’t go lower than zero, right?

I’m waiting for a good Amityville and this supposedly makes fun of movies that just put that name before another movie and yet, it does the same thing. When I’m dying, I’ll remember this movie and hate that I wasted moments of my life watching it.

You can watch this on YouTube but please don’t.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The I Hope You Suffer podcast said that “Since everybody is doing these movie challenges now, we made the only one worth doing.” Bring the pain.

You know you’re in for it when the description on IMDB says, “Some kinda horror-anthology nonsense hijacking the Amityville brand.”

This claims to be found footage found in an Amityville home. What you watch for an hour is just quick cuts into short stories, you know, an anthology as we used to call them. A lot of people swear and yell, as often happens in microbudget horror.

The ride share starts the film, as a man picks up a woman, takes her home, then chokes her out with a plastic bag. Then the clowns, TV news people and urban legends show up. Again, this often happens in microbudget horror.

It all ends with yet another clown, this time Buttons the Clown, who has gathered other facepainted killers to stalk a slumber party. Also: Henry from the Paranoia Tapes series of films shows up and those movies are pitched for ten minutes at the end of the movie. Yes, ten minutes of trailers.

Directed by Jack Hunter II, who wrote it with Dann Eudy, this has two of the meanest IMDB reviews I’ve seen destroying it, with quotes like “I fought in the Gulf War, and this movie makes me wish I was back in the Desert dodging IED’s” and “s someone who has a sick compulsion to watch every film with the Amityville title, Rideshare vies for one of the bottom of the list, it’s only saving grace is at least it’s short, unlike Amityville Hex which still holds distinction as the worst.”

The sound quality is beyond horrible in parts, you can barely see what’s going on and really the only part that worked for me was the abduction scene, as that at least felt weird. Would you like to watch people unleash profanity on one another while the camera is locked off and occasionally there’s some bad video effects? Good news. This one will scratch your stupid itch.

You can watch this on YouTube.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The I Hope You Suffer podcast said that “Since everybody is doing these movie challenges now, we made the only one worth doing.” Bring the pain.

Directed and written by Nick Box and Stuart Fitzsimmons, this was originally released in 2018 as Strange Vibes. It’s the tale of Alana (Jade Mason), a young woman who is a horrible employee and who can’t find a new job, leading to her being about to be evicted. To learn how to get a better job, she watches videos by Job Search Guy (Shawn C. Phillips) and 80s Popstar (Chan Walrus), thereby allowing two people to iPhone in their contribution to the movie.

This keeps going back to the job interview with Clare (Georgina Burford) and Ms. Vil Bitch (Sihona Robbins), each time with slight differences, as Ms. Vil is increasingly meaner and meaner to Alana and Clare. The footage also goes from black and white to color for no reason.

There are also numerous New Wave music videos that have nothing to do with the plot either. And if they do, I have no idea how. All I know is that Ms. Vil gives Alana a vibrator to kill her roommate and then asks her to shoot herself to prove her loyalty, which she does, and gets the job. She somehow survives this, too. It’s a spoiler but the ending is twenty minutes before the movie ends, so it doesn’t matter.

This also has nothing to do with Amityville, but when has that ever stopped these movies?

You can watch this on YouTube.

The Piper is about Mel (Charlotte Hope), a composer who steals a concerto from the home of her dead mentor Katharine (Louise Gold) — which is told is her only option by conductor Gustafson (Julian Sands) — all in the hopes that it will allow her to make it in the competitive world of writing classical music and take care of her deaf daughter Zoe (Aoibhe O’Flanagan).

That song is supposedly cursed, but Mel needs money. When played, the song brings The Piper (Boyan Anev) to life. Yes, a glowing eyed beast who wouldn’t even allow the music to be burned in the first place. By the end of the film, The Piper crawls out of the body of the flute player who starts the song off when it is played live and Mel and her daughter have to grab instruments of their own and battle the final boss, causing a rat to literally crawl out its mouth.

Director and writer Erlingur Thoroddsen based this on the story of the Pied Piper of Hamelin, who played his flute to lure the rats away from the city. When he wasn’t paid, he did the same to the children and depending on the story, he drowned them or took them to a cave. The film looks good, has CGI that isn’t all horrible and has some gory moments.

The plot reminded me of Paganini Horror but one assumes that more people will have seen this than that. Sands is good in this and the film is dedicated to him, as he died not long after making it.

You can watch this on Tubi.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The I Hope You Suffer podcast said that “Since everybody is doing these movie challenges now, we made the only one worth doing.” Bring the pain.

Nick Box has also made Amityville Frankenstein, Amityville Elevator and Amityville Job Interview. I have seen all of these movies and feel like I escaped with my sanity, so when I found out there was another film in his Amityville cycle of movies. This was originally on his YouTube site and now, all that remains is a trailer.

The claim is that this is about an European art house film I Drink Tea and Watch You Die Slowly that is broadcast on Amityville TV and people die as a result. But this has no watches on Letterboxd and no one has reviewed it on IMDB. So I’ll bite the bullet and say, Nick Box, if you want to send this to me, I’ll wade out into it and report back. Let’s do this.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The I Hope You Suffer podcast said that “Since everybody is doing these movie challenges now, we made the only one worth doing.” Bring the pain.

This is based on the game Fiendish Thieves, which is described as Home Alone meets Frankenstein. They say it’s “filled with lots of laughs and slapstick humor. You choose the actions of the bungling burglars who search an abandoned warehouse for a rare vintage pocket watch, and the obsessed film fan munching on snacks watching the events unfold.”

From what I can see from this video that was posted on Steam, the game is pretty much the same as the movie.

It’s directed and written by Nick Box, who also has Amityville Tea Bag, Amityville Elevator and Amityville Job Interview coming out next year. I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this pact with a demon to watch every Amityville movie, because this one is as painful as they get. It may also be the tenth Amityville movie where Shawn C. Phillips sits on a couch in front of his DVD collection and just yells about nothing while watching a Frankenstein movie that mainly consists of the monster getting shocked for what seems like five minutes non-stop to the point that I thought that my internet was screwed up.

Until I can escape this curse, check out my list of Amityville movies and Letterboxd list.

You can watch this on Tubi.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The I Hope You Suffer podcast said that “Since everybody is doing these movie challenges now, we made the only one worth doing.” Bring the pain.

Amityville Ripper starts with a news segment of people hating Amityville movies, the original house being burned down, an auction of items that were in the house, multiple UFO abductions, the Spider podcast, a commercial for Alien Mingle and another for Steve Martin’s (not that one) Video Store. At some point, I was wondering if this was using Pond 5 footage like every other Amityville movie and just trying to pad a runtime with all of this footage, but then as the movie went on, surprise, this actually gets why I watch these movies.

Not just because a demon cursed me to watch all of them and would ruin our web traffic if I stopped.

This takes place in 2000 — the Y2K bug is a thing — and Marianne (Kelsey Ann Baker) and her brother — or step-brother — Nichols (Hunter Redfern) wake up to their parents going away on vacation for New Year’s Eve. Marianne — known as M — had something big planned with her best friend Annie (Angel Nichole Bradford). And no, not lesbian stuff, as her brother and his wheelchair bound friend Chapman (Ryan Martel). Instead, she has had the knife of Jack the Ripper sent to her from that auction. And her friend Tony, who is now in Hollywood, said it’s real because “he lived that Ripper lifestyle.”

What is a Ripper lifestyle?

Also, Marianne has dreams of slow jams playing over stock footage of a jet ski, which makes her even more endearing to me and not just because she’s a goth girl with shaved sides of her hair and looks a lot like Rainbow Harvest. She also mentions that she really wanted the clock from the house, but an architect — Jacob Sterling, right? — got it first.

While everyone — including way too nice cheerleader Liz (Anna Clary) — is partying and playing Sugar Ray, Marianne and Annie go up to her room and have a seance with a Ouija board, some tarot cards, Jack the Ripper’s knife and plenty of candles. Also: If M is so goth, why is she wearing an N’Sync shirt when the rest of her room is full of Universal Monsters pillows, a black metal poster and a Killer Klowns poster? At least her closest is all full of black shirts.

Director and writer Bobby Canipe Jr. has obliterated the fourth wall in this movie, as the characters even find the script, not that it keeps all of them alive. Just look at the dialogue:

Annie: Everything that happened in the Amityville house was true. And can you just imagine if this knife of Jack the Ripper’s became imbued with the power of the Amityville house? It’d be like we had some sort of Amityville ripper on our hands.

Marianne: True, but I think that’s kind of the point. I’m pretty sure that the name of this movie is Amityville Ripper.

Then The Ripper (Josh Allman) comes to life, wearing a Dracula costume, and also aliens.

There’s a line that sums up this entire movie, as well as all Amityville sequels.

“Brother, it’s an Amityville sequel. Shit’s different here.”

Not all the humor hits perfectly, but who cares? This is way better than nearly any other Amityville sequel, which isn’t saying much, but it does try. Which is, again, way more than almost every other sequel not made in Canada or by an Italian director.

You can watch this on Tubi.